Woman at the edge of the world...

Thursday, July 28, 2022

Cast the first stone...

As kids, we grew up in a seemingly middle-class neighborhood. The families were mostly intact--from the heteronormative perspective. A mom, dad, kids--the American dream. We played outside until the streetlights came on--and everyone knew who's houses had the best snacks, etc. Most of us were around the same age, or within a few years of one another. There was kick the can, street hockey, and steal the bacon occurring regularly. But, there was one house, where my parents discouraged us to play--"Sally's kids" were primarily foster kids. My brother and I didn't really understand why we weren't supposed to hang around with them--but the message was received.

Fast forward 25 years. Now, it's my childhood home and my father that people avoid. The yard is overgrown and everyone "knows how he is" and why my brother and I do not come around often. Yet, with my mother's anniversary and my 40th birthday occurring a few weeks back--I felt compelled to check on the house, and in essence him. So, my partner and I did a drive-by, on my birthday.

The house looks as though it had been abandoned, with the lone inhabitant slowly giving in to his addiction and other ailments. To say that this shook me is an understatement. While I could not effectively articulate it at the time, I knew I could not simply leave things as they were. I reached out to a childhood friend who owns a landscape business in town and inquired as to whether he could clean up the yard and then maintain it. He agreed. However, after a few days--I went back myself.

After a few passes, my father, who currently looks like a 60s hippy with long hair and a headband, opened the door at one point and asked what brought me by. To which I looked around and said, "well, this" before he closed the door again. The grass was so long, that the mower kept stalling and eventually seized. The neighbors across the street, the first to call me when my father goes off the reservation, declined to let me borrow their mower to finish the job. So, I called a nearby friend, to see if he knew how to get the mower to restart. Instead, he came to my aide with his electric mower until that battery died. It was then, that a middle-aged man with a bum knee wandered down with his dog.

It was one of "Sally's kids". He offered to fix the mower and let me borrow his gas-powered weedwhacker to finish the yard. He is also going to continue to maintain the yard, as he also mows a few others in the neighborhood. His kindness, and all of the emotions that had been bottled up for the few weeks prior, came bubbling out once I returned home and could fall apart.

Those who live in glass houses, should not throw stones...

Monday, May 30, 2022

It's going to take more than thoughts and prayers...

May 21, 1998 - Thurston High School
April 20, 1999 - Columbine High School
May 20, 1999 - Heritage High School (Georgia)
November 19, 1999 - Deming Middle School
December 6, 1999 - Fort Gibson Middle School
February 29, 2000 - Buell Elementary School
May 26, 2000 - Lake Worth Middle School
August 28, 2000 - University of Arkansas (first shooting)
September 26, 2000 - Carter G. Woodson Middle School 
December 1, 2000 - Junipero Serra High School
March 5, 2001 - Santana High School
March 7, 2001 - Bishop Neumann High School
March 22, 2001 - Granite Hills High School
March 30, 2001 - Lew Wallace High School
May 16, 2001 - Pacific Lutheran University
January 15, 2002 - Martin Luther King, Jr. High School
January 16, 2002 - Appalachian School of Law
February 20, 2002 - Washington High School
October 7, 2002 - Benjamin Tasker Middle School (D.C. Beltway shootings)
October 28, 2002 - University of Arizona
October 29, 2002 - Lincoln High School
April 14, 2003 - John McDonogh High School
April 24, 2003 - Red Lion Area Junior High School
May 9, 2003 - Case Western Reserve University
September 24, 2003 - Rocori High School
February 2, 2004 - Ballou High School
May 7, 2004 - Randallstown High School
February 8, 2005 - Bowen High School
March 21, 2005 - Red Lake Senior High School
September 13, 2005 - Harlan Community Academy High School
November 8, 2005 - Campbell County High School
January 13, 2006 - Milwee Middle School
February 23, 2006 - Roseburg High School
March 14, 2006 - Pine Middle School
August 24, 2006 - Essex Elementary School
August 30, 2006 - Orange High School
September 2, 2006 - Shepherd University
September 17, 2006 - Duquesne University
September 22, 2006 - Cardozo High School
September 27, 2006 - Platte Canyon High School
September 29, 2006 - Weston High School
October 2, 2006 - West Nickel Mines School
October 9, 2006 - Joplin Memorial Middle School
January 3, 2007 - Henry Foss High School
March 7, 2007 - Compton Centennial High School
April 16, 2007 - Virginia Tech
September 21, 2007 - Delaware State University
October 10, 2007 - Success Tech Academy
November 7, 2007 - Miami Carol City Senior High School
January 23, 2008 - Arkansas State University
February 4, 2008 - Hamilton High School
February 8, 2008 - Louisiana Technical College
February 11, 2008 - Mitchell High School
February 12, 2008 - E.O. Green Junior High School
February 14, 2008 - Northern Illinois University (first shooting)
February 27, 2008 - University of Arkansas (second shooting)
August 14, 2008 - Lakota Middle School
August 21, 2008 - Knoxville Central High School
September 2, 2008 - Willoughby South High School
October 16, 2008 - Henry Ford High School
October 26, 2008 - University of Central Arkansas
November 12, 2008 - Dillard High School
January 9, 2009 - Dunbar High School
April 26, 2009 - Hampton University
May 18, 2009 - Harvard College
May 18, 2009 - Larose-Cut Off Middle School
June 16, 2009 - International Studies Academy
September 3, 2009 - Skyline College
February 5, 2010 - Discovery Middle School
February 12, 2010 - University of Alabama
February 19, 2010 - Northern Illinois University (second shooting)
February 23, 2010 - Deer Creek Middle School
March 9, 2010 - Ohio State University
May 11, 2010 - West Bladen High School
September 8, 2010 -  Mumford High School
September 28, 2010 - University of Texas
October 1, 2010 - Alisal High School
October 8, 2010 - Kelly Elementary School
November 29, 2010 - Marinette High School
December 6, 2010 - Aurora Central High School
January 5, 2011 - Millard South High School
March 25, 2011 - Martinsville West Middle School
March 31, 2011 - Worthing High School
April 19, 2011 - Ross Elementary School
May 23, 2011 - Highlands Intermediate School
August 19, 2011 - Albany State University (first shooting)
September 28, 2011 - Patriot High School
October 25, 2011 - Cape Fear High School
December 8, 2011 - Radford University
December 9, 2011 - Harwell Middle School
January 10, 2012 - North Forest High School
February 23, 2012 - Armin Jahr Elementary School
February 27, 2012 - Chardon High School
March 6, 2012 - Episcopal School of Jacksonville
April 2, 2012 - Oikos University
August 16, 2012 - Hamilton High School
August 27, 2012 - Perry Hall School
September 7, 2012 - Normal Community High School
October 6, 2012 - University of South Alabama
October 19, 2012 - Banner Academy South
October 31, 2012 - University of Southern California
December 14, 2012 - Sandy Hook Elementary School
January 8, 2013 - Apostolic Revival Center Christian School
January 10, 2013 - Taft Union High School
January 12, 2013 - Osborn High School
January 15, 2013 - Stevens Institute of Business and Arts
January 15, 2013 - Hazard Community and Technical College
January 16, 2013 - Chicago State University
January 22, 2013 - Lone Star College-North
January 31, 2013 - Cesar Chavez High School (first shooting)
January 31, 2013 - Price Middle School
March 18, 2013 - University of Central Florida
April 12, 2013 - New River Community College
April 16, 2013 - Grambling State University (first shooting)
April 18, 2013 - Massachusetts Institute of Technology (Marathon bomber attempted escape)
May 14, 2013 - Ossie Ware Mitchell Middle School
June 7, 2013 - Santa Monica College
August 20, 2013 - Ronald E. McNair Discovery Academy 
August 22, 2013 - Westside Elementary School
August 23, 2013 - North Panola High School
August 30, 2013 - Carver High School
October 4, 2013 -  Agape Christian Academy
October 21, 2013 - Sparks Middle School
November 2, 2013 - North Carolina A&T State University
November 3, 2013 - Stephenson High School
November 13, 2013 - Brashear High School
December 4, 2013 - West Orange High School
December 13, 2013 - Arapahoe High School
December 19, 2013 - Edison High School
January 9, 2014 - Liberty Technology Magnet High School
January 13, 2014 - Hillhouse High School
January 14, 2014 - Berrendo Middle School
January 17, 2014 - Delaware Valley Charter School￼
January 20, 2014 - Widener University
January 21, 2014 - Purdue University
January 24, 2014 - South Carolina State University
January 25, 2014 - Los Angeles Valley College
January 27, 2014 - Rebound High School
January 28, 2014 - Tennessee State University
January 30, 2014 - Eastern Florida State College
January 31, 2014 - North High School
February 10, 2014 - Salisbury High School
February 10, 2014 - Charles F. Brush High School
February 12, 2014 - University of Southern California
February 22, 2014 - Georgia Regents University
March 25, 2014 -  Benjamin Banneker High School
April 9, 2014 - D. H. Conley High School
April 11, 2014 - East English Village Preparatory Academy
May 4, 2014 - Paine College (first shooting)
May 5, 2014 - Paine College (second shooting)
May 8, 2014 - Georgia Gwinnett College
May 14, 2014 - John F. Kennedy High School
June 5, 2014 - Seattle Pacific University
June 10, 2014 - Reynolds High School
September 9, 2014 - Stellar Leadership Academy
September 11, 2014 - Westbrook Elementary School
September 27, 2014 - Indiana State University
September 30, 2014 - Albemarle High School
September 30, 2014 - Fern Creek Traditional High School
October 3, 2014 - Langston Hughes High School
October 24, 2014 - Marysville Pilchuck High School
November 20, 2014 - Florida State University
November 20, 2014 - Miami Carol City High School
December 5, 2014 - Rogers State University
December 12, 2014 - Rosemary Anderson High School
January 15, 2015 - Wisconsin Lutheran High School
February 4, 2015 - Frederick High School
February 14, 2015 - Tenaya Middle School
February 23, 2015 - Bethune-Cookman University
March 30, 2015 - Pershing Elementary School
April 13, 2015 - Wayne Community College
April 16, 2015 - J.B. Martin Middle School
May 12, 2015 - Duval County Schools bus
May 24, 2015 - Southwestern Classical Academy
August 27, 2015 - Savannah State University
September 3, 2015 - Sacramento City College
September 30, 2015 - Harrisburg High School
October 1, 2015 - Umpqua Community College
October 9, 2015 - Northern Arizona University
October 9, 2015 - Texas Southern University
October 22, 2015 - Tennessee State University
November 1, 2015 - Winston-Salem State University
November 20, 2015 - Mojave High School
January 22, 2016 - Lawrence Central High School
January 29, 2016 - Franklin High School
February 9, 2016 - Muskegon Heights High School
February 12, 2016 - Independence High School
February 29, 2016 - Madison High School
April 23, 2016 - Antigo High School
June 1, 2016 - University of California Los Angeles
June 8, 2016 - Jeremiah Burke High School
September 9, 2016 - Alpine High School
September 28, 2016 - Townville Elementary School
October 11, 2016 - Vigor High School
October 13, 2016 - Linden McKinley STEM Academy
October 18, 2016 - June Jordan High School for Equity
October 25, 2016 - Union Middle School
December 1, 2016 - Mueller Park Junior High School
January 20, 2017 - West Liberty-Salem High School
January 20, 2017 - University of Washington
March 21, 2017 - King City High School
April 10, 2017 - North Park Elementary School
May 4, 2017 - North Lake College
June 14, 2017 - Warren Elementary School
September 13, 2017 - Freeman High School
September 20, 2017 - Mattoon High School
November 13, 2017 - Albany State University (second shooting)
November 14, 2017 - Rancho Tehama Elementary School
December 7, 2017 - Aztec High School
January 10, 2018 - Grayson College
January 20, 2018 - Wake Forest University
January 22, 2018 - Italy High School
January 22, 2018 - NET Charter High School
January 23, 2018 - Marshall County High School
February 1, 2018 - Sal Castro Middle School
February 5, 2018 - Oxon Hill High School
February 9, 2018 - Pearl-Cohn High School
February 14, 2018 - Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School (Parkland, Florida)
February 24, 2018 - Savannah State University (first shooting)
February 27, 2018 - Mississippi Valley State University
February 27, 2018 - Norfolk State University
March 2, 2018 - Central Michigan University
March 7, 2018 - Huffman High School
March 7, 2018 - Jackson State University
March 8, 2018 - University of South Alabama
March 9, 2018 - Frederick Douglass High School
March 13, 2018 - Seaside High School (first shooting)
March 20, 2018 - Great Mills High School
April 12, 2018 - South Middle School
April 20, 2018 - Forest High School
May 11, 2018 - Highland High School
May 16, 2018 - Dixon High School
May 18, 2018 - Santa Fe High School
May 18, 2018 - Perry Learning Center at Mount Zion High School
May 25, 2018 - Noblesville West Middle School
August 4, 2018 - Edgewood High School
August 17, 2018 - Palm Beach Central High School
August 30, 2018 - Balboa High School
September 5, 2018 - Providence Career & Technical Academy
September 10, 2018 - Fairley High School bus
September 11, 2018 - Canyon Springs High School
October 29, 2018 -  David W. Butler High School
December 13, 2018 - Dennis Intermediate School
January 2, 2019 - Snyder High School
January 3, 2019 - Florida International University
January 4, 2019 - Mississippi University for Women 
January 7, 2019 - Central Elementary School
January 11, 2019 - Cascade Middle School
January 19, 2019 - Lakewood Middle School
January 25, 2019 - Davidson High School
January 30, 2019 - Prairie View A & M University
January 31, 2019 - Manassas High School 
January 31, 2019 - Atascocita High School
February 8, 2019 - Frederick Douglass High School
February 11, 2019 - Seaside High School (second shooting)
February 12, 2019 - Central Academy of Excellence
February 14, 2019 - Cleveland High School
February 17, 2019 - Eaglecrest High School
February 26, 2019 - Robert E. Lee High School
February 28, 2019 - Cheyenne South High School
March 7, 2019 - Grambling State University (second shooting)
March 22, 2019 - Blountsville Elementary School
March 27, 2019 - Holmes County Schools bus
April 1, 2019 - Prescott High School
April 25, 2019 - College of the Mainland
April 25, 2019 - Wynbrooke Elementary School
April 30, 2019 - University of North Carolina Charlotte
May 4, 2019 - Lane Community College
May 6, 2019 - Summerfield Elementary School bus
May 7, 2019 - STEM School Highlands Ranch
May 7, 2019 - Savannah State University (second shooting)
May 8, 2019 - Second Chance High School
May 17, 2019 - Raines High School
June 21, 2019 - Carman-Ainsworth High School
July 2, 2019 - Williwaw Elementary School
July 19, 2019 - Monroe Clark Middle School
August 8, 2019 - Blount Elementary School
August 27, 2019 - Hollenbeck Middle School
August 30, 2019 - Central Catholic High School
August 31, 2019 - Ladd-Peebles Stadium, LeFlor & Williamson Hugh Schools
September 6, 2019 - Jeanette High School
September 13, 2019 - Todd Stadium, Woodside & Denbigh High Schools
September 14, 2019 - Eastern Hills High School
September 20, 2019 - Marcus Memorial Stadium, Imhotep Institute Charter & Mastery Gratz High Schools
September 27, 2019 - De Anza & Pinole Valley High Schools
October 13, 2019 - Tennessee State University
October 22, 2019 - Ridgway High School
November 11, 2019 - Reginald F. Lewis High School
November 14, 2019 -  Saugus High School
November 15, 2019 - Pleasantville High School
November 23, 2019 - Searles Elementary School
November 26, 2019 - Sarah J. Anderson Elementary School
December 2, 2019 - Waukesha South High School
December 3, 2019 - Oshkosh High School
December 16, 2019 - Catholic Academy of New Haven
December 19, 2019 - Lely High School
January 8, 2020 - Glades Central High School
January 11, 2020 - South Oak Cliff & Kimball High Schools
January 14, 2020 - Bellaire High School
January 14, 2020 - North Crowley High School
January 23, 2020 - McAuliffe Elementary School 
January 31, 2020 - Deer Valley High School
February 3, 2020 - Texas A&M University Commerce
February 4, 2020 - Louisiana Culinary Institute
March 5, 2020 - Sagemount School
March 11, 2020 - Shenango Area School District bus
March 15, 2020 - Atascocita High School (second shooting)
July 29, 2020 - Collinsville High School
September 16, 2020 - Sonora High School
September 16, 2020 - Western Illinois University
Oxford High School
September 19, 2020 - Krouzian-Zekarian-Vasbouragan Armenian School
December 17, 2020 - University of Alabama at Birmingham
February 26, 2021 - George Washington Carver High School
March 1, 2021 - Watson Chapel Junior High School
March 8, 2021 - Edwards Elementary School
April 12, 2021 - Austin-East High School
April 26, 2021 - Plymouth Middle School
April 27, 2021 - Smyrna Middle School
May 6, 2021 - Rigby Middle School
August 13, 2021 - Washington Middle School
August 18, 2021 - Orangeburg-Wilkinson High School
August 27, 2021 - Freedom High School
August 27, 2021 - Academy Park High School
August 27, 2021 - New Hanover High School
September 1, 2021 - Mount Tabor High School
September 4, 2021 - Towson University
September 20, 2021 - Heritage High School (Virginia)
September 21, 2021 - Wichita East High School
September 30, 2021 - Cummings Elementary School
September 30, 2021 - Newton Elementary School
October 1, 2021 - YES Prep Southwest School
October 6, 2021 - Mansfield Timberview High School
October 12, 2021 - Wendell Phillips Academy High School
October 13, 2021 - Grambling State University (third shooting)
October 17, 2021 - Grambling State University (fourth shooting)
November 1, 2021 - Rosa Scott School
November 19, 2021 - Hinkley High School
November 26, 2021 - Westmont High School
November 29, 2021 - Cesar Chavez High School (second shooting)
November 30, 2021 - Oxford High School
November 30, 2021 - Humboldt High School
December 6, 2021 - Wilmington Park Elementary School
December 8, 2021 - Ewing Marion Kauffman School
January 4, 2022 - Auburn High School
January 9, 2022 - Chowan University
January 11, 2022 - Valley High School
January 19, 2022 - Seminole High School
January 19, 2022 - Oliver Citywide Academy
January 21, 2022 - Colonel Zadok Magruder High School
January 29, 2022 - Beloit Memorial High School
February 1, 2022 - South Education Center
February 1, 2022 - Bridgewater College
February 8, 2022 - Catonsville High School
February 9, 2022 - Minneapolis Public Schools bus
March 4, 2022 - Olathe East High School
March 7, 2022 - East High School (Des Moines)
March 31, 2022 - Tanglewood Middle School
April 5, 2022 - Erie High School
April 22, 2022 - Edmund Burke School & University of the District of Columbia
May 9, 2022 - Gwinnett County Schools bus
May 17, 2022 - Walt Disney Magnet School
May 24, 2022 - Robb Elementary School

And if you are like me--you didn't know about even 1/2 of the events on this list. Why? Because the deaths were not significant enough to make national news. Yes, let that sink in....the BODY COUNT was not high enough for the majority of Americans to hear about it in the 24hr news cycle. Now, before I lose all of you--this is not going to be an all-out rant about sweeping gun control legislation (though, I do think we need that). I want this to be a thoughtful conversation about the systemic nature of this uniquely American problem.

Let me begin by saying a few things for context:

I am an educator--I work in both a public k-3 school AND a University (so, yeah...I could end up among the dead any day now)
I have dedicated my professional life to providing care to those with mental illnesses
I am a gun owner--yes, you read that right. I own a handgun, for which I have received extensive training, and practice, and have ensured its proper storage.

And yes, I do believe we need to look at gun legislation--I do not believe that the 2nd Amendment was meant to arm us with AR-15s and AK-47s--I believe these should be reserved for our military only, and believe it is unfortunate that even THEY need that level of arsenal. 

However, I believe the issue to be MUCH larger than gun control. We need to look at the systemic issues within our country that have led to these instances. Whether it is a need for greater mental health services, or resources for those 18-21 who feel disenfranchised by their lack of opportunity, institutional racism, etc--these occurrences are disproportionally being conducted by young Caucasian men--so, what's going on? Theoretically, these individuals are at the top of the systemic/racial pyramid--is it that they feel threatened at the loss of white, cis-male privilege? If this is the case, would that not be an argument to end CRT and provide opportunities for individuals to develop an understanding of social justice, diversity, equity, and inclusion? 

Yet, if all we can manage are our thoughts and prayers--let us not forget the shooter--and that they find peace from whatever torment and hatred that caused them to act in such violent ways. There is always focus on the victims--yet arguably, the shooter is a victim too--of a system that failed them and enabled them to feel that level of disenfranchisement--that did not recognize that they were struggling or without a sense of community and purpose beyond what led them to do something so unthinkable. Lest we not forget that THEY were also children who somehow got lost along the way.

I also cannot help but think that the number of school/community shootings is somehow linked to some of the legislative actions being taken by the minority--those looking to limit the rights of women, LGBTQ, and other minorities, and ensure that cis white evangelical males (who are the minority across the board) remain in control.

I have grown up in the age of Columbine, Matthew Shepard, George Floyd, and the threat to Roe v Wade, and I will tell you--this is not an America I would want to raise children in--and will work tirelessly to make safer for my "nieces and nephews". We need change and we needed it 20yrs ago with the first few lives taken too soon. We must address the issues that LEAD to these shootings--because let's face it, the guns do NOT fire themselves, while we also look at legislation to limit the sort of guns available to civilians.

In THIS America I am denied basic rights in 29 of the 50 states--and nearly 50% of the population is at risk of losing their right to reproductive freedom (with NO consequence or responsibility to the other 50% equality responsible, I might add...). More often than not, when asked how I am doing these days, I respond with this--"living the dream, it seems more like a dystopian novel most days, but I can't seem to wake up". 

Folks, when are we going to wake up?

Port in the Storm

Written for a friend's wedding, 5/14/22

The journey to this place, where the ocean, sky, and rivers meet,

Has not been one for the faint of heart.

Prior storms wreaked havoc,

Eroding away the belief of what was possible.

Yet, in our meeting, blew in a restoring sense of peace, previously thought lost.

In a moment we knew home lay in the solace of our embrace.

Our love is like the ocean, its depths unknown;

A strength in the calmness, yet in awe of its power.

The depths of our connection,

With so many knots yet to be explored—

So much beauty to be discovered.

In this previously uncharted territory.

There is serenity in this embrace,

Allowing for this next chapter,

To reach the darkest corners of the soul.

The caverns of the ocean floor, no other has yet to explore.

Today as we stand before those nearest to our hearts-

Sand between our toes-we offer ourselves up

Like the tides, to ebb and flow as one.

May we face the coming storms as a united front,

Fortified in our love and ever-deepening connection.

Such that when the sands of time run out,

We will know our ship was well chartered and our voyage complete.

Wednesday, December 8, 2021

ALICE in Wonderland

As many of you know, I have been working in schools for the past five years as a school psychologist. I started out in grades 5-12, then 9-12, and for the past two years have worked part-time in pre-k thru 3. While I never thought I would work with children as I went through my doctoral program (one of my former profs turned work bestie can attest); I don't regret a single day of it. And now I can't imagine NOT working with them, at least in some capacity.

Now, working in a school is not easy--especially in the midst of a global pandemic (with rising cases locally/statewide--hello CDC just said NH is one of the worst per capita), debates over CRT, and school shootings. Gone are the days of playing outside with the neighbors until the streetlights come on, riding bikes unsupervised to the corner store for candy and chips, and even sleepovers for many because the things that defined the childhoods of the previous generations have been shown to be unsafe.

Enter ALICE.

Alert. Lockdown. Inform. Counter. Evacuate.

I have spent the last week listening as my counterparts, first-grade teachers, explain what to do in the event of an intruder and/or school shooting. Their 6-7yo charges look up at them with serious eyes and masks covering the lower parts of their tiny faces. Timely, given that in the midst of these preparations, 4 more lives were lost in a Michigan school. In a school, where one of my best friend's cousin's child attends. The wonderland and innocence of childhood are hanging on by a thread for America's youth.

I remember the first school shooting. Columbine in 1999. I was a sophomore in HS. Since then there have been upwards of 300 school shootings and over 300 deaths. Now, it's easy to say that we need more gun control--and perhaps we do--I have a hard time wrapping my head around why everyday civilians need warlike weaponry, but this is not the problem. This technology, while advancing predates the first instance of school violence. Guns are a symptom of the underlying problem--not THE problem. And I suspect many of you are surprised to hear me say this--given my strongly left-leaning ways. I say this as a Xennial who has come of age during this epidemic and someone who has dedicated their life and career to working in the mental health and education fields.

Now, do I believe we as a society need greater accountability? Yes. Yes, I do. I believe in background checks, appropriate safety precautions (gun locks, safes, perhaps limits on magazine sizes). But we also have to look at the WHY. What is happening in the lives of these children to push them to act in this way? And how do we help them? We can blame social media, certainly. I do believe it is a contributing factor. I was able to leave the bullies at school when I went home for the day--the kids today face the potential for 24/7 subjection to their antagonists and the social pressures of growing up in this digital age. And I can attest that the mental health of our youth IS in a decline. But, the issue is bigger.

Take a look around--we are more polarized than we have been in decades. The civil discourse around differences of opinion is almost taboo. Our mental health care system is at a breaking point with access to services for youth booking out 5-6 months for an initial appointment with a therapist. School Counselors, Social Workers, and Psychologists are all critical shortage areas and caseloads are only getting larger and more complex. Our society and our youth are hurting. Do you want to reduce the number of school shootings? We need to start there. Funding mental health in schools and within our communities, looking at the influence of social media, technology, and working parents, on the well-being of our kids and ourselves. These things that were meant to bring us closer together, seem to have in effect, pushed us further apart. What conversations are you having with your kids, your friends/family, around diversity, equity, and inclusion? Are you talking about how to celebrate the things that make us unique or are you forging greater divisiveness and hostility?

And with that. Our ALICE drill is about to start.

Monday, December 28, 2020

Looking in the rear view

And here we are. The last Monday of 2020...I had an appointment with my nutritionist this morning--yes, I have one of those now--and will for the rest of my life. She commented, that I have had a good year. And in many ways, I have. At least in terms of my physical health--and despite the grief, this year has brought...my emotional wellbeing too.

January 1, 2021--will mark the one-year anniversary of my decision to enter a weight and wellness program. I was on my way to visit my mother in the geropsych unit, where she had been admitted on Christmas Eve--and I got winded walking from the handicapped spot at the entrance of the hospital to the front door. It was at that moment, as I sat on the bench catching my breath inside the hospital entrance that I decided, I had had enough. I was tired of living the way I had been. I called my insurance company the next day and formally entered the program three weeks later.

As I entered the hospital last month for my procedure, I looked back at that bench--and noted how much progress I had already made in taking control of my health. And today, I had a follow-up appointment it was documented that I have already lost 53% of my excess weight...something that typically takes 6 months to achieve. I don't state this for the accolades or praise from anyone reading...but, for a memorial--for me. To remember how far I have come in this past year.

The first also marks the 6th month anniversary of my mother's death--something that I think about every day. Yet, I feel her presence more now than I did even when I could pick up the phone and call her. She has been with me every step of this journey--despite never knowing the promise I had made to myself on that bench a year ago. Losing my mother has been one of the greatest challenges of my life. People would say that losing a parent--especially your mother-- changes you...and now I understand what they meant. I am not the person I was before this loss.

2020 has also taught me the beauty and power of true connection and vulnerability. Despite the pandemic...I have laughed (and cried) more when my friends--that chosen family--than I ever have before. I have an incredible tribe of powerful, strong, absolutely beautiful women (and a few men, too 😊) who I love and love me fiercely. This is a gift for which I am eternally grateful. They have shown up, lifted me up, and sometimes literally picked me up--in ways I can never repay. Yet, know I do not have to...because, for the first time in my life, I no longer feel the need for performance-based acceptance. I am enough. Just as I am.

And because it makes total sense to change jobs/careers in the midst of a global pandemic--we added that to the list of things to do in 2020. Shifting from full-time school psych and adjunct to core faculty and part-time school psych has proven to be another amazing opportunity for me to step more fully into the person I was meant to be. Given the latitude to address issues of social justice and equity issues in my courses (thanks, Angie)--I suddenly had a platform to challenge perceptions and biases--in myself, my students, and now colleagues. One such pivotal moment coming just a few weeks ago, when I guest lectured in a course taught by one of the faculty who had interviewed me years ago for the EdD program. It was in that conversation, that she acknowledged her own moment of bias--the question that had crossed her mind about whether I would have the capability to complete doctoral study given my disability. While I tried not to skip a beat and thanked her for that admission, I find myself still reflecting on it over two weeks later. 😲 😥.

Was I angry with her? No...sadly, it is something I have always faced--note my earlier discussion of performance-based acceptance. I have always felt that I had to prove or "earn" my worth or value--that I was good enough due to my disability, gender, sexual orientation, because I am me...

Yet, this year I learned that the only thing holding me back was me--so, I stopped. I started pushing myself and taking risks. Being vulnerable and real--opening myself up to love and connection in ways that feed my soul. And thank God for my tribe. Do I still stumble? Get in my head? And sometimes worry about what "the world" thinks? Hell yes. But, I know there is no going back...there will be a 2x4 heading my way if I try.

I am creating my own peace. May you find yours in the year ahead. And know that I will walk with you as you have walked with me.

Monday, December 21, 2020

That Last Goodbye

That last voicemail--

I should never have deleted.

What I would give now to play again.

Just to hear your voice.

Or the look on your face, when I walked in the room--

To have taken a picture

so I could hold onto that joy.

Your laughter how it carried throughout the room,

thinking of it now brings a teary smile to my face.

The pedicures, trips to the diner, and just out for coffee--just cream.

Those moments, now only memories.

The recipes that were never written down,

And stories soon to be forgotten--

I promise to hold on to them as long as I can.

And I will never forget--

Christmas Eve, it was always your favorite.

Hor-doeuvres and holiday music...

Just that one present to open.

Your excitement almost too much to contain.

I am sorry for all the ones I wasn't there.

The missed opportunities for connection.

It's just around the corner--and I know--

You made sure I wouldn't be alone.

So many things I would have said, done--

Had I known that when I hugged you that day

It would be for the last time.

I would have held on a bit longer,

Squeezed a bit tighter;

In that last goodbye.

Friday, December 18, 2020

Hello

Walking in, not knowing what would be in-store.

With the first hello, an instant connection.

The depths of which, yet to unfold.

Settling into one another's souls;

as though old friends, who had come home.

This is my free association exercise