Think and Write--April 7, 2007

My head's been spinning for the better part of two weeks and has resulted in something of a mild depression, which I hope to lift soon--as it is impeding on my overall functioning.

My relationship with Amber ended. It was her decision, I had no say in the matter. In hindsight, this parallels much of our relationship--it was almost entirely on her terms. She sighted lack of time as the rationale for the decision, which I can and do partially understand. But, in my experience, relationships take work--and I was willing to put in the effort. Unfortunately, she was not--or so it seems. She said she wanted to be friends, and see where things stood in May--once she'd gotten her life together a bit. Well, I've made a few attempts at friendly conversation with no response. So, I am done. The ball's in her court now--I'm worth fighting for, working for--and if she can't see this, that is her loss. I know there is someone out there who will, I just need to be patient; and I'm not waiting around to see if she changes her mind in May either. If I've met someone else, then I've met someone else...and if I haven't she's going to have to prove that she's willing to put in the time, and that I won't be the first thing to go next time things get tough--because I won't stand for that--not again.

It hurts though, because I really put myself out there for her. I opened up and let her in--maybe it was too quickly, or poorly thought out, but it still happened. And I got burned. While I'm sure it won't be the last time I am hurt by a girl, at least I will know to be more careful in the future.

In the midst of this my grandfather died. The services were this week. It was cancer. The 3rd grandparent in just over a year. I feel almost numb, partially as a result. Yet, there is a side of me that has so many regrets. Each time I see my extended family this happens because I know that I am not being honest with them, with myself, about who I am. But, I cannot seem to find a time to share this part of myself with them--partially out of fear of rejection. I don't want to lose what little sense of family I feel with time over the fact that I am gay--yet, it feels almost like an elephant in the room most times...waiting to be acknowledged. But what will this acknowledgement be like? I often ask myself if they would do to my wedding. But I have no answer to this or even how they would receive my partner. It is a bridge I will cross in time, perhaps once there is a concrete relationship in place.

HH appears to have re-entered my life as of late. While I feel for her struggles, I need to be careful not to be dragged down in the process. I cannot forget how I was treated when we were together, and I still see glimpses of this in her behaviors now. So, I am wary--I'd like for a friendship to be possible perhaps some day in the future, but lots of change must occur for that to become a reality. There are things that I must let go, and behaviors and ways of treating people that she must move beyond. Only time will tell if this is a possibility, for both of us.

The hard part about being the rock that everyone turns to, is when the rock is cracked. People never really know what to do with that. And even though I may be calling because I need to talk, I somehow always let the conversation turn to their concerns. Which normally would be fine--but in times like this, makes me feel almost worse. Because I know I am not really listening to them, at least not the way I could be.

I'm just tired right now. I need a change. And while I know that the end of the semester is coming, there is so much that needs to be done before that. And this summer will also be busy with classes, work, and starting my internship. This next 15mos will be a trying time for me, this I know. But I also know that in the end, it will all be worth it--as I will be able to move into the next phase of my life once I have completed this one.

On a positive note--I now have an internship placement beginning in mid July. I'm very excited about this opportunity and all it has to offer me. While I still have yet to learn exactly what it is I will be doing, at least knowing that I have somewhere to be doing something is a huge weight off my shoulders. I will share more about this as the information becomes available.

Speaking of weight--I seem to have plateaued at -40lbs. But I also have not be very good about sticking to the diet plan. So, this week begins anew. I am going to try to be better at eating right, not picking, and continuing to exercise regularly. I'm also going to be adding a 20min walk to my routine, in hopes that this boosts my metabolism again. I still have at least another 25lbs or so that I would like to lose before my birthday, which will be difficult to acheive at the current rate.

Thank you for listening. This seemed to help.

k