...inside the dark...

junior year, i remember my hs english teacher saying to me, "i have seen inside your head--it's dark in there--but its nothing like mine."  i'll never forget it.  he was something of a father figure to me.  i sat in the back of the room in that class.  i always liked it in the back--less attention. 

i didn't do a fabulous job of using my skills today.

i felt myself slipping and didn't really do much about it.  no time really, was sort of on overload.  too many 'things' today.  so the gremlins crept in, and i let them...with their judgments and shoulds in tow.

not good enough....
daughter
partner
friend
employee


i should...
make amends
be honest, expect less
not deserve anything good
be better at [insert negative here]

i know what i needed to do.  but i didn't because i was being stubborn.  my dear man was weak and my intensity did not meet my level of need--because i didn't want to be a burden.  in a way, detaching in preparation for vacation.

there are benefits though of spending time inside my head.  i do figure things out in there.  i need to be better to myself.  listen to my own advise (so good at giving it--not so much at taking it).  forgive myself, like really.

truly participate.

let go of fear.
trust my wise mind.

practice radical acceptance.
learn to love myself.

Creating a life worth living...

I am learning to practice what I preach.
I am learning as much from my DBT group, as they are from me.

I am good with this.

I asked of one group:  what do you need to do to create a life worth living?  This generated good discussion, but also got my wheels turning...

I am a bit reflective as of late...I have a birthday coming up...so the questions about what I have accomplished over the last year are swirling around in my head.  Spending time with Jen last weekend we were talking about the goals we'd set for ourselves to accomplish by 30ish.  Career, home, independence from parents--few lose ends to tie up...both thought we'd be married, families on the way...but all in all doing alright.

But does this constitute a life worth living?  As I think about this question, I am thinking less about the items I can check off my list, the material things.  And more about the relationships--the people in my life, and even those who no longer are.

When we're young...we have our friends forever, the friendship bracelets, the charm necklaces, etc.  But these relationships fade.  Some remain, but not to the degree or with the same meaning as before.  You become more like acquaintances.  See each other maybe a few times a year....Few of the relationships from childhood can withstand the ebbs and flows of growing up. 

But, then there are the relationships we form as adults. Once the growing pains have gone away and all that is left is the truth.  These, for me, are what create a life worth living.  It's the people, not the things, that I have in my life, that provide meaning and comfort.  Purpose.