She said "it doesn't really matter pretty soon you're bound to spill it"
With the half logic language of the sermon she delivers
And the way she smiles so knowingly at me gives me the shivers
I pull the blankets higher when I'm finally safe at home
And she takes a hundred with her but she always sleeps alone
The girl with the weight of the world in her hands
--excerpt from The Girl with the Weight of the World in Her Hands
I was reminded of this song in group today. Mirrors how I am feeling today. Yesterday. This week. I am fighting with myself and the Egoic thinking. I can't seem to shake the feeling--the weight--I have the urge to write, but as I sit to do it, I find that my mind goes blank. But not really. The words just don't seem to come. I am stuck. There is part of me that wants to scream. Jump into an ice bath. Anything to feel something other than this. I need to wake up, throw the gremlin back into her cage and lose the key.
It's been a long time since I have felt like this, truth is part of me is scared that I won't be able to shake it off. Granted, I have experienced even greater darkness and have found the light again--but there is still fear. "Let's get real, Kate...you are going to be on meds for the rest of your life". This is who I am. Depressed. Anxious. Fearful. But this is not who I want to be. Not today...tomorrow...
"We are not built to lead with our emotions like you are...but that doesn't mean we don't have them"--The Adjustment Bureau, the movie that is on as I write this...about our lack of free will over the major decisions in our lives, because when we have that we destroy ourselves. If that, is in fact true I...you...have little control over what happens to us. Everything is as it should be. So, I should feel like this...have the experiences I am having right now. Radical acceptance right?
