.thinking.

I like walking in the rain.  It allows me to practice mindfulness.  Right now I am thinking about expectations, ideals--I've been told that mine are too high.  That what I am looking for isn't realistic. 

Perhaps.

But does that mean I should stop asking for these things?  Feels like settling.  I don't know if I am ready to do that.  These are the same things I expect of myself, granted I am not always perfect either...but they are things I strive for. 

I am working toward nonjudgment and acceptance.  Not "stringing along until something better comes along".  And there has been progress. 

More later.

I do this.

I write in spurts.  I can come up with a hundred excuses for why this is, but none would matter as much as this...sometimes I don't know what to say.  There is a flaw in this argument though, my mind rarely stops.  In fact, sometimes it is going so fast everything seems like a blur, or appears that there is nothing.  Because really, there are all of the things I leave out.  The words left unsaid, because I have decided that they are not as valuable or worth the trouble to speak.  My friend Karen did a painting once, a self portrait with mouth sewn shut--I feel that way sometimes.

Just reread my last post 8/10/11.  In some ways, I am experiencing the same feeling--wanting to scream, but feeling like no words would come out.  As a kid, I had nightmares about that...I was always being chased by the housekeeper from the Brady bunch throughout my backyard--I was trapped, I would scream for help, but no sound...analyze that one, huh?

I was driving home today, texting with my priest and I looked up from the phone at one point and thought, "I don't feel God in my life".  This saddened me.  It was fleeting, I know He is there...in the work that I do, the people in my life, even in the dog.  But, I remember as a child asking to go to church on Sunday morning.  I was so strong in my faith.  They thought I was going to be a nun (you can laugh, it's okay).  But something happened.  I was hardened somehow, more skeptical.  I miss that innocence.

I miss a lot of things actually.  I have been making a lot of changes in an effort to become more authentic to who I really am (assuming that I even know).  But there are still things missing.  Writing, photography, pottery--artistic outlets. I think that if I tapped into those more, I would not feel as though I am drowning all the time.  "Drowning" sounds pretty negative, as though I am doing worse than I am.  I am okay, moving toward good, but still--there is a void. 

I am restless.  Nothing new really...it's been my tag forever:  rstlssdreamer.  I do wonder sometimes if I will ever be satisfied.  Will it ever be enough.  It, me, anything...