Personal Prophets

Centering

The curiosity of a child

These images are from Sunday.  I haven't been able to take photos for yesterday or today.  Things have been a bit hectic since these were taken.

Sunday's sermon included discussion of "personal prophets...those within our lives who changed us..."  (Sounds familiar--perhaps Marjorie has been reading my blog?)

Having dessert with Maunie this evening, she told me how proud she is of me and how I have been handling the events of the last year--and the goals and determination I have for the years to follow.  While I thanked her for this, I was also quick to give credit where credit is due.  If not for the support, of my friends and personal prophets, I would not being doing this well, and I know this.  As with Marjorie, who said, "sometimes I hear voices...", I also hear the voices of those individuals I look up to, those who support and comfort me during those more trying times.  I know these people have been sent to me for a reason, perhaps solely to help me through this phase of life, but hopefully for longer. 

Turning the mind

Taken from a cell phone...doesn't do it justice.

Despite a few glitches, here and there, today was a good day.  I had the opportinuty to spend time with a few of my favorite people, all of which occurred over tea--and not at the same time (Jen you lucked out...I couldn't find my cable--or you would have been the subject of my photo today!).

I also had the opportunity to spend some time outside this afternoon.  There was a significant build-up of ice at the bottom of the driveway and along the walkway that needed to be removed, and with the weather as is was today, I went to work on it.

Truthfully, there were moments where as my back started to ache and I could feel the blisters starting on my hands from the pick ax, I was not willingly doing the work.  In fact, there were points that I was rather willful.  I found myself becoming frustrated with the fact that I was outside alone doing the work, when at one point I was told there would be assistance,.  However, before spiraling too fair down into the negativity, I caught myself.  In that moment, I asked for the ability to find it in myself to be grateful--especially for the fact that I was able to do the work.  As I looked up from the ground where my focus had been for sometime, I saw this image.  The rays of the last hour of sun light streaming down and illuminating the flag that hangs on the porch.  I noticed the golden rays receding from the sky and darkness slowly settling in.  And the flag, there as a reminder of the freedoms we all enjoy and so often take for granted.  In that moment I knew that I had gotten what I asked for.

conquering fears

Meet Jarod

Jarod is my "neice's" painted dragon.  He is 4mo old, and will get bigger.  Holding him was an exercise in exposure therapy.  I was in one of my safe places, with my safe people.

I've come to the end of another work week.  There were highs and lows, points at both ends of the spectrum where I said to myself, "why do I do this?!"  I do because it's what I was made to do.  Am I in the place where I will do this work forever?  No, highly unlikely.  But it will do for now.  Being in this place, at this time, has changed my life.  The series of events which led me to this point, has allowed me to come into contact with individuals who have and will continue to have a tremendous impact on my life.

Yet, as much as those I have met changed me, I know that I have also made a mark on many of them as well.  Some of these signs are obvious, others more subtle.  A quote I haven't thought of in years, just came to mind--it was my 7th grade teacher's favorite quote--"Education Is Not the Filling of a Pail, But the Lighting of a Fire"--I think of this, because she too was one of those I credit with having touched my life, and I hers...I still receive Christmas cards from her 15yrs later.  But also because, though I am not in education directly, the work I do IS educational in some way--I help people learn about themselves--as they teach me about who I am.

with two spoons

Lui Lui's
Tollhouse sundae

Dinners with Joan appear to be dangerous.  This photo was taken at the end of a meal with a new (somewhat unlikely) friend. I am the same age as her children, and there are some moments of what I perceive as awkward silence, but it is nice.

Phenomenal Woman

Phenomenal Woman

Fitting.

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size But when I start to tell them, They think I'm telling lies. I say, It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. I walk into a room Just as cool as you please, And to a man, The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees. I say, It's the fire in my eyes, And the flash of my teeth, The swing in my waist, And the joy in my feet. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. Men themselves have wondered What they see in me. They try so much But they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see. I say, It's in the arch of my back, The sun of my smile, The ride of my breasts, The grace of my style. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. Now you understand Just why my head's not bowed. I don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say, It's in the click of my heels, The bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, The need of my care, 'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. Maya Angelou

Very behind...from 1/16

Cape Elizabeth, ME--tuning the Grand Piano

The view while I listened.

These are from last week, when I was in ME.  I had the opportunity to spend time in a beautiful home (mansion) just off the water in Cape Elizabeth.  I'd needed to be by the water that day, below is a picture of the view from the sitting room.








The water always calms me, grounds me as little else can.  Right now I am trying to find my footing.  In some ways retracing my steps. Trying to find myself again.  To figure out where I went wrong, what I missed.  How to keep it from happening again.  I have yet to find answers to these questions, and sometimes I feel as though I am stumping among the roots and uneven ground beneath my feet.

Time to regroup

Sitting by the fireplace with slippers

My day started with these questions, from the pulpit:
Who have been, who are the saints of your life?
Who has called you out saying, “I see greatness in you”?  Who are the voices of reason crying out in your wilderness? God, you get us where we need to go by giving us mentors who say,
“Go and ask”; “Come and see.”  As others challenge, help, inspire us, Lord in your name, and may we do the same. AMEN.

As I listened to the words, the names and faces of the people closest to me started to swirl in my mind.  Those that have inspired and motivated me to be better, in all aspects of my life--professionally, personally, and spiritually.  I am fortunate to be surrounded by so many of these individuals on a regular basis.  Casual aquaintances turned lifelong friends mentors.  Today, I have been able to connect with some of these individuals, some in person and others through phone or text.  These are the people I turn to when wandering in the wilderness of my emotion mind.  These are the ones who ground me, the saints in my life.  These people understand me and see the potential that often I cannot. 

Sometimes I find myself feeling angry at God, for the parts of the plan that I do not understand.  And it seems, each time this happens, I receive a response to bring light to the darkness.  Today, was filled with such a response. The patience of my best friend as I made my way through recesses of the darkened corners of emotion, and now as I regroup by the fireplace of two other long time friends. 

Saturday's photo

 

Taking a time out

 Today's photo comes from the hour I took for myself this afternoon (technically now yesterday afternoon).  About once a month I go for a massage, the monthly membership ensures that I actually go.  Or else, this little piece of self care would also likely go by the wayside like all the others I have tried in the past.

I figured today was a good day for it.  Having to take the GRE this morning, I knew I would be tense once finished and saw this as a bit of a reward.  Tyler, the massage therapist (and no, I don't find it creepy to have a male), commented a few times regarding the increased number of knots he found in my back and shoulders.  Can't imagine why--not like I have any stress in my life!

photo a day 1/13/12

Mondo brownie sundae

I was at dinner tonight with a friend from work.  Recently she was telling me about the 'photo a day' project she is working on.  Each day, she finds something to take a picture of in order to record the events of her day/year.  Last week I was the subject of the day, while over her house for tea.  I liked this idea and thought it would be a good way to use this space and focus on the more positive aspects of my life.  I am surrounded by beauty on a daily basis.  There are often times, I wish I had a camera with me to capture a sunset, snowfall, or moment with friends.  This will give me an excuse to reconnect with this aspect of myself.

This has been a trying year, but each day I am reminded of how truly blessed I am to have the friends and family (blood and adopted) that I do.  Without them, I don't know how I would have fared over these last several months.  

Joan and I shared this dessert at the urging of the waitress (we had originally ordered our own).  It was so large, we were unable to finish it!

revelation

Two thousand and eleven taught me a lot of things.  It showed me that forever, sometimes isn't that long; and other times, it is.  I learned my limit, and where I would never want to be again.  I have laughed until I cried with friends and cried until there were no more tears with those same individuals.  I was reminded that it is important to stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone.  Yet, even when you think you could not be any more alone, you never really are.  The end of two thousand and eleven brought with it both grief and hope for a brighter future.  I found myself in a place I never thought I would be again, with many unknowns laying ahead of me.

I learned some valuable lessons about the beauty of friendship and the meaning of family.  This year showed me just how incredibly fortunate I am, to have the people I do in my life.  Without the love and support of my friends, I would have stayed.  And it would have destroyed me.  But because of them, knowing that I was loved, for who I truly am, I was able to say 'no more'.  I also learned that I am as important to said friends, as they are to me--that we are family.

This past year also brought with it, forgiveness and reconciliation.  The guard is still up for protection and self-preservation.  But the repairative work has begun. Though the progress is slow.

I am evolving. Growing.  Shifting. Awakening.

Staring at a photograph

I've just stumbled across an image, wound torn open yet again. Anger and pain surging through me as I look on. This picture has almost a mirror like quality to it, hard dose of reality associated, which cuts hard and knocks me off my feet.

Hot, fresh tears, leave a stain on the surface of the photograph hoping to serve as a reminder to not be fooled again into thinking "it wasn't so bad"; as we so often do to soften the memory.

----

Just over 12hrs ago, tears stained my cheeks as well. As I stood up to the hypocrisy, that is my situation. Said she understood ["no you don't", I replied," it's not happening to you"], thanked me for being so good about it all, etc.

I go downstairs to use the bathroom to find the situation, yet again, or just about. Selfish.

Yet, I don't know who or what I am more angry at. It is what it is. And I fell for it. Hundreds of times.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Room by room

At the start of every year (or the end, depending on when you make up your mind) we make resolutions--things we are going to change in the months ahead...Ellen Goodman writes,

"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives … not looking for flaws, but for potential."

I prefer this way of looking at it.

If you had told me a year ago, this would be my life--I probably wouldn't have believed you. 2011 was a year of significant change, all of which has the potential to make me a stronger, wiser, person. Though, I am still reeling from some of it--2012, I am hopeful will be a year of even greater personal growth.

I am cleaning house. Going through and getting rid of the things I don't need and dusting off parts of myself that have been in storage for far too long.

As I go through the rooms, there are times where I stumble across a photograph or a object that triggers a memory. And like a going through that old box in the attic, there is an emotional response. I am working hard to manage these moments.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry