To the exes

Rarely, we say thank you 

To the ones that touched—

Nearly broke

and deeply hurt to the core.  

Through those loves lost—

anguish and broken hearts.  

Friends and lovers gone;

I’m becoming 

The best version of myself. 

Long way home

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Has become one of my favorite bible verses--so much so, that it is inscribed on my thumb ring.  I find myself looking at the text often, especially in times of frustration, sadness, worry, or fear--it reminds me that everything is as it should be according to His plan--which is not mine to understand.  I spent a lot of time looking at it today.

Tomorrow marks two years that I ended a rather painful chapter of my life. One that had started five years earlier to the day.  I was only 25 at the time and thought I knew everything.  

Seven years later, I have come to realize that the path I was walking on was not the one that had been intended, but was then used to serve a purpose. His.  It brought me full circle--back home to NH and ultimately back to faith--this time a deeper saving relationship.  Granted...I took the LONG way home--but, I made it.  

The scars of that journey (and those of earlier in life) are slowly fading.  I have come to know Agape, both as a giver and receiver.  And the relationships I have in my life are now built on that--unconditional and unending.

I am not the person I once was...I have become the new and improved version I was always afraid of being traded in for.  Granted, I still have tough days--weeks, and I am far from perfect.  But I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  

revelation

Two thousand and eleven taught me a lot of things.  It showed me that forever, sometimes isn't that long; and other times, it is.  I learned my limit, and where I would never want to be again.  I have laughed until I cried with friends and cried until there were no more tears with those same individuals.  I was reminded that it is important to stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone.  Yet, even when you think you could not be any more alone, you never really are.  The end of two thousand and eleven brought with it both grief and hope for a brighter future.  I found myself in a place I never thought I would be again, with many unknowns laying ahead of me.

I learned some valuable lessons about the beauty of friendship and the meaning of family.  This year showed me just how incredibly fortunate I am, to have the people I do in my life.  Without the love and support of my friends, I would have stayed.  And it would have destroyed me.  But because of them, knowing that I was loved, for who I truly am, I was able to say 'no more'.  I also learned that I am as important to said friends, as they are to me--that we are family.

This past year also brought with it, forgiveness and reconciliation.  The guard is still up for protection and self-preservation.  But the repairative work has begun. Though the progress is slow.

I am evolving. Growing.  Shifting. Awakening.

there are things in this life...

that I do not think I was made to understand.

There's a lot going on these days with friends and family, some of it I understand and some I don't--> and probably never will. Day in and day out, I listen to people's stories. The things they've experienced, and more often, the things they have survived. It makes me question humanity, the things I hear. The atrocities we commit against our fellow (wo)man are mind blowing. Lying, cheating, stealing, assaults of every kind, substance abuse, neglect, suffering...I can't help but think that this is not what our creators had in mind.

The story was not supposed to be this way.

At times I think of myself as a journal, a place where secrets are stored. Mine, yours, the person walking down the street. We all need a place to keep our stories, no matter how painful, so that others may learn from them. Our stories make us who we are, they shape how we interact with the world...it's like Shakespeare, "All the world is a stage, and we are but players in it".

What does your story say about you?

I believe that it is possible to change the outcome of our stories, but in order to do this, we must make sacrifices. We must make ourselves vulnerable. We must move into the unknown, where there is no map, no right way.

...just free falling...

Sometimes that means making some of the most difficult decisions of our lives, ending relationships, changing careers, saying you're sorry. It's taking personal responsibility for your part in the story, and it's impact on the characters around you.

It's taking a personal inventory.

What's in your closet?