Knowing vs knowing

My head has been a disaster the last few days.  In a self-loathing kind of mood.  I suppose there are a number of factors surrounding this...hormones, stress, working too much, being overtired, etc.  Regardless of the reasons, I am having great difficulty shaking it off.  My head is heavy with fragments of random thoughts...

Disconnected and distant from the people who mean the most to me.
Overwhelmed and underappreciated.
Frustrated but not feeling justified in why.
Needing to feel grounded.
Wanting to take better care of myself but not having the motivation to do it.

you get the idea.

I Know much of these things are not based in reality.  Knowing, meaning wise mid.  But the problem is that I am so stuck in emotion mind right now, that I am having trouble seeing the truth.  The facts that disprove the fun house thinking going on inside my head.  I am not used to talking about this stuff, aside from with a select one or two people.  I have try to be a better listener than talker.

I am somewhat hopeful that the weather is decent this weekend and I can do to the beach or something.  The waves always soothe me.  Help me find perspective. 

question for God

One of the other blogs I follow, belongs to that of Mr. John Wallace (and if you don't follow him, perhaps you should).  His post from Friday, asks "When you get to heaven, what is the first question you will ask God?"  I have been thinking about this and lots of other things all weekend.  My mind is somewhat cluttered and I feel as though I am being pulled in 100 directions, with really no where to go.  But, more on that in a moment...

There are so many questions I would like to ask if provided the opportunity to do so.  But, for the first?  I will ask if He is pleased.  Did I live my live in the manner in which He intended?  The Sermon and subsequent Youth Group discussion this morning surrounded the notion of being intentional during the Lenten season.  Intentional about our interactions with others, but most importantly with God.  When asked how I planned to observe Lent this year, I responded by saying that my focus was to evaluate the things in my that still need work and put my faith in God that He has a plan for how they will be resolved.

I am restless.  Often feel like I am spinning my wheels. Waiting.  For what? I don't know.  Change of some kind.  This is where I start to grow impatient, wanting to understand the plan.

There are also fragments of other things whirling around--my best friend asked me to write a poem yesterday, so I did.  First one I'd written in months.  Wasn't my best showing, but there are now lines of others swirling around.  But, I am not focused.  I am having a hard time sitting quietly, alone with myself. 

Alone in a room full of people...

Winslow was such a good boy today during the Tastefully Simple party. He stayed out on the deck while guests were tasting the products and greeted everyone appropriately when allowed to come inside (I had the e-collar remote at the ready...). He then settled down onto the rug in the middle of the room, with everyone chatting around him.

Hey Kind Friend

Hey kind friend
I don't know when I'll see you again
On a ferry boat bound to Victoria
Layin' down to hide from the wind

Big dipper hangin' over the city
You know everything now is different for me
And it ain't no use in
Explainin' the scenery

I said, "Kind friend
Help me forget where I been
Kind friend
Remember who I am"

I was too late in Spokane
So I caught a ride through the cascade range
I saw the sun die in Olympia
Runnin' down on Capital lake

Now I ask you for some relief
It's one true root that you bring to me
It's 3 a.m.
And it's good company

I said, "Hey kind friend
Help me forget where I been
Hey kind friend
Help me remember who I am"

Hey kind friend
Don't know if I'm gonna see you again
It's okay friend
It's okay friend
(it's so hard when they all have to face goin' away)

So I'll meet you in New Orleans or I'll see you around
'Cause I don't know if it's worth comin' down
Hey I'm callin' you
From a gold rush town

And I say, "Hey kind friend
Help me forget where I've been
Hey kind friend
Help me remember who I am"

Hey kind friend
I don't know if I'm gonna see you again
It's okay friend
I'm okay friend

I said, "I'm okay friend
I'm okay friend"
(See you later)

--Indigo Girls

Winslow

Telling mommy she works too much.