I'm not talking. Wall is up, mask on. Shut down mode. Been trying to resist the urge for weeks. But tonight, after dinner with a friend I haven't seen in maybe three months, realized--I suck at this. I am not consistent. I can be a great friend, until I fall off the face of the earth for months at a time. Even with my best friend...sure, I'm around and talking about "stuff", ins and outs of the BS of my life at the moment, but not what I'm thinking or feeling (not sure I even know). Instead, I find distraction in other things...talk about work, car, house, or nothing at all--silence in those times where I actually could talk, coming up with a million reasons as to why "now is not the time".
There is no "time". Truth is, as I said to Kelley tonight, I don't want to weigh people down with what is going on (though there is some good too), with me. I don't want to think about it, even though it's what I do frequently. I feel bad about leaning on those I have recently. And I know they don't mind (as I type this the gremlin in my head went nuts), I am family. I really do know.
There was more I thought I was going to say...but I am hitting the wall. Long day today and likely another one tomorrow.
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