I have a rather unique job. People share with me some of the most intimate details of their lives, yet know almost nothing about me. Occasionally, I will be asked if I have children or if I am married, but that's about it. Granted, aspects of my personality show through...but limitedly. What they don't realize is how their stories effect my own.
Today, I was sitting with someone who has seen and done more in in their life, including die twice, than most people can imagine. But, they come to me because they see themselves as broken. We were talking about how past experiences influence interpersonal relationships--the tendency to be guarded, avoiding the true closeness that they crave so much. They talked about the walls they constructs to keep others out. I asked whether these same walls, that prevent others from getting too close, due to fear of being hurt, are actually also helping to keep the fear in. In tears, the individual called me a vixen, which lightened the mood to allow for deeper exploration.
As the conversation continued, I became more aware of my own walls. The ones that are quickly being reconstructed. I find myself rebuilding--frantically, trying to avoid possible hurts. Driven by fear, I am closing myself off. Yet, in doing so I am also trying to keep those closest to me within the limits of the wall--I know it isn't effective. And I know it isn't working and as result I risk losing the most important relationships in my life.
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Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand.
Held loosely with an open hand,
the sand remains where it is.
The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on,
the sand trickles through your fingers.
You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled.
A relationship is like that.
Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person,
it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively,
and the relationship slips away and is lost.
--Author Unknown
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