Re: Compartments

(Typing on the iPhone, accidentally hit send before I was finished)

I compartmentalized the relationships and packed them away in the boxes--some would be unpacked, while others would remain in those few boxes filled with things you could not get rid of as you purged your belongings, but could not quite find a place for. 

It also brought up thoughts/feelings about my wavering sense of belonging and concept of home. I am incredibly fortunate. Three groups of friends have opened their homes to me over the last year--so, I must be doing something right. Yet, I am constantly waiting for the welcome to be worn out, or the door to close--for it to be time to move one--because it has happened so many other times, literally and figuratively. 

I am hoping to try something different with this move, however, to unpack all of the boxes and understand that home is a state of mind--it's about the people, not the walls that surround. My goal is learn that doors do not always close and welcomes do not all fade. 

That in order to be comfortable in a place, you must also be comfortable within oneself. 

Compartments

I realized something today as the HR lady was teasing me for moving yet again...this was the 5th address change since I started working there less than 5 years ago--the 16th since I left my parents home, and 20th in the last 30 years (suddenly it all makes sense to my therapist friends).

I have become a master at bare walls and boxes. An expert in downsizing and disgusting people, places, and things. Granted, a number of the moves were all on the same college campus--but each floor/building was a new environment in which I had to adapt.

I was also never good at maintaining the relationships from the previous residences. Though, there were some that withstood the walls that I erected, as I tried to assimilate into the new walls in which I was surrounded.


Sent from my iPhone

floating

On break from class...going through some old emails, etc (cleaning out).  Found this piece I wrote about a year ago...

Two pieces of a larger whole, edges worn and frayed.
Now woven together, new strengths emerge.
A common thread binds two, so seemingly opposite.
Amidst the darkness of each solitary past,
There is new light, with comfort in the shadows.
Where judgement resides, but is not felt.

Old patterns, which no longer fit--
the push and pull of life, driven by fear--
threaten the integrity of the stitching.

Yet, the fibers of the pairing now so intertwined,
the taring apart would be beyond repair.
Together there is comfort in this, a mutual appreciation.
A knowing that maintains the fabric.

===

I need to get my feet back on the ground, practice mindfulness, and re-focus.  Sorting out who/what is important and prioritize wants and needs.  Demands and expectations (mostly self imposed) have taken quite the toll over the last few months.  Anxiety is in full swing--dry heaving in the shower, stomach is a wreck after eating, not sleeping.  

Trying to remember to stretch and breathe, making movement towards being able to exercise again.  Wish meditation were effective--but amps up the anxiety.  May try to write more here (those that have this emailed to you--if you want that to stop, email me back and let me know, I will adjust the setting).