pressure's rising

The pressure's rising,
weight on my chest grows heavier.
It becomes harder to breathe,
as the burning continues to mount.
The pull to the old way is strong,
disconnecting to save what self there is,
silent withdrawal leads to numbness.
Recounting events to those were there before, detached.
Suffocating with the urge to scream,
thrashing as if underwater and gasping for air.


Keeping my head above water lately, but working hard to not fall into old dynamics.  The efforts I have been making for the last few months to focus on myself are being tested.  Told that what I am doing is not enough--I recoil and back away in an effort to recollect. The topics of anxiety and meditation were common themes in my conference sessions today--practiced loving kindness in my session this morning.  And this afternoon, it was suggested by the facilitator that I needed some physical contact after I described the pressure in my chest, as part of a group exercise.  This resonated with me.  Grounding.  Attempting to sit in quiet meditation over the last few weeks, has been more difficult with my increased level of anxiety.  Distracted.  I manage the exercises in increments, the best I can do.  Process not perfection as I search for connection having pushed away too hard.