Update as a First Year School Psychologist

So, it's been about two months since my last post about my first year as a school psychologist.  It's hard to believe how quickly the school year is going by.  

Things I have learned so far:

Kids are awesome.

Testing isn't so bad--I have done 9 evals!

I could get used to the built in breaks and vacations :)

That being said, this is a challenging time of year in a school setting--this stretch between Thanksgiving and Christmas is an interesting time.  There is a unique energy and excitement buzzing throughout each of the buildings I am in.

Today I am attending the 4th of 5 sessions on special education processes--today's topic how disability affects involvement and process in general education.  As someone who is a person with a disability, I am uniquely tuned into how my experiences may impact this discussion.  

To be continued...

Adventures in being a first year School Psychologist

A shrink should have fun shoes

Had you told me a year ago that today I would be working as a School Psychologist at both a high school AND a middle school--I would have laughed at you.  At that point, I believed that my internship was complete, I would be returning in some capacity to my role at the CMHC, that had been my employer since I left grad school (the first time). 

By New Year's, I was going to be returning to my roots in higher education.  Sending out cover letters and CVs all over New England, I was certain I would find my niche in College and University Counseling.  Some would even say, I turned down the offer of a life time, to work at the University of Notre Dame (yes, the Notre Dame).  But, something didn't feel right.

Then of course, there was the brief period of time in which I thought I was going into the private practice realm, first full time, and then part-time with a part-time University job.  It would be the best of both worlds, right?  Yet again, when asked by the program director of the academic program I was about to begin teaching in as adjunct faculty--I couldn't seem to bring myself to fill out the APA CV listing those two roles.  It was as if I was in denial of the reality I had created for myself.  I just couldn't envision myself working in private practice, yet I was willfully about to be doing just that. 

Until I received that email.  It had been forwarded to me by my program director--a school job, with the name of a contact person I recognized.  So, I called...emailed back and forth with my PD and was encouraged to apply.  Letters of recommendation were requested and revised, I was interviewed and hired.  In a whirlwind of less than a week, I quit both the private practice and university positions and began.  And now, just shy of a month in--I have no regrets.  I find myself smiling at times for no reason, as I walk down the halls.  Students stop in to see me, just because.  I learn something new everyday (I'll do an entry sometime just on acronyms in education...oy!).  The district took a risk in hiring me, just as I took a risk in jumping out of the safety of the familiar--but think both are finding it was worth it.

My friend Karen used to post a sketch or a narrative during her first year as a middle school art teacher--I would look forward to them each day.  And while I cannot promise that I will be as prolific or interesting as what she would submit, I intend to catalog my adventures here.

“Security is mostly a superstition. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” — Helen Keller

Carpe Diem

Live in the moment

I bought this for myself about a year ago.  It typically sits on the base of my computer monitor in my office at KSC (but that created a less appealing photo).  On the wall to my right, by the door to exit my office hangs a framed poster of a Buddha quote "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." I received this as a gift a few months later as I struggled to accept the loss of relationship with the person who had been my best friend for several years. 

One of the challenges of that friendship was that for much of it, I lived in the fear of losing it.  Yet, this loss came after I'd accepted it was without end.  Even now, as I reflect on that relationship my eyes fill with tears and I am forced to clear my throat.

Live in the moment.

Take risks.  Love unconditionally; even when the conditions do not suit you. 

I went into my internship year with the intention of refining my clinical skills.  I was to be in this place a year, no sense in connecting with those around me to only say goodbye a few months later.  But this is not what transpired.  Instead, I was surrounded by people intent on pushing and challenging me to face my fear of vulnerability and reconnect with emotion and those around me--because that, as was said by my director, would be the difference between my being a great clinician and an exceptional one.  In order for me to be successful here, I would need to take risks--ones that would make me break down in front of a room full of colleagues while also learning that I am okay without needing to produce or hit a certain productivity percentage.  Sure, there are 5 evaluation periods throughout the year (1 more to go!).  But, my goals were centered around authenticity and developing a more interpersonal style as opposed to the more detached and restricted one I had been operating from. 



It's possible that in order for me to engage in the transformation that has occurred over the last 11 months, I had to let go of that part of myself--step out of the shadow.  Only one or two people from my former employer even really talk to me now--and while there are certainly times this bothers me a great deal, I push forward.  I am not the person or clinician I was while there.

I also do not know if that friend and I will ever sit together again.  If so, we will need to get to know each other as we are now and in that moment.

Evolution

I've been thinking about writing for a long time.  Hard to believe nearly a year has past since I last shared my thoughts in this space.  I suppose there are many reasons for this, as I have in some ways become rather reclusive in my private moments.  Yet, as I reflect on the vast number of changes that have occurred over the last 10 or so months dozens of things that went unsaid swirl through my head.

This has been a period of great loss and also a period of tremendous gain, perhaps because of said losses.  In the time since my last post, I have once again learned that love is in fact, conditional and that "I'll always be here for you" is relative.  But, perhaps more importantly because of this I have learned to stand on my own two feet (with God at my side).

I am not the same person I was in July of 2016.  I have since that time, allowed myself to be vulnerable in multiple arenas and pushed myself personally, professionally, and spiritually in ways I did not previously think I was capable.  This journey has not been easy.  There have been countless tears--of grief, anguish, depression, joy, pride, and love along the way.

I have made mistakes.

And come out the other side stronger, wiser, and more wholly myself than I was before.

I have found my voice.

And you will be hearing from me.