Live in the moment

I bought this for myself about a year ago.  It typically sits on the base of my computer monitor in my office at KSC (but that created a less appealing photo).  On the wall to my right, by the door to exit my office hangs a framed poster of a Buddha quote "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." I received this as a gift a few months later as I struggled to accept the loss of relationship with the person who had been my best friend for several years. 

One of the challenges of that friendship was that for much of it, I lived in the fear of losing it.  Yet, this loss came after I'd accepted it was without end.  Even now, as I reflect on that relationship my eyes fill with tears and I am forced to clear my throat.

Live in the moment.

Take risks.  Love unconditionally; even when the conditions do not suit you. 

I went into my internship year with the intention of refining my clinical skills.  I was to be in this place a year, no sense in connecting with those around me to only say goodbye a few months later.  But this is not what transpired.  Instead, I was surrounded by people intent on pushing and challenging me to face my fear of vulnerability and reconnect with emotion and those around me--because that, as was said by my director, would be the difference between my being a great clinician and an exceptional one.  In order for me to be successful here, I would need to take risks--ones that would make me break down in front of a room full of colleagues while also learning that I am okay without needing to produce or hit a certain productivity percentage.  Sure, there are 5 evaluation periods throughout the year (1 more to go!).  But, my goals were centered around authenticity and developing a more interpersonal style as opposed to the more detached and restricted one I had been operating from. 



It's possible that in order for me to engage in the transformation that has occurred over the last 11 months, I had to let go of that part of myself--step out of the shadow.  Only one or two people from my former employer even really talk to me now--and while there are certainly times this bothers me a great deal, I push forward.  I am not the person or clinician I was while there.

I also do not know if that friend and I will ever sit together again.  If so, we will need to get to know each other as we are now and in that moment.