And here we are. The last Monday of 2020...I had an appointment with my nutritionist this morning--yes, I have one of those now--and will for the rest of my life. She commented, that I have had a good year. And in many ways, I have. At least in terms of my physical health--and despite the grief, this year has brought...my emotional wellbeing too.
January 1, 2021--will mark the one-year anniversary of my decision to enter a weight and wellness program. I was on my way to visit my mother in the geropsych unit, where she had been admitted on Christmas Eve--and I got winded walking from the handicapped spot at the entrance of the hospital to the front door. It was at that moment, as I sat on the bench catching my breath inside the hospital entrance that I decided, I had had enough. I was tired of living the way I had been. I called my insurance company the next day and formally entered the program three weeks later.
As I entered the hospital last month for my procedure, I looked back at that bench--and noted how much progress I had already made in taking control of my health. And today, I had a follow-up appointment it was documented that I have already lost 53% of my excess weight...something that typically takes 6 months to achieve. I don't state this for the accolades or praise from anyone reading...but, for a memorial--for me. To remember how far I have come in this past year.
The first also marks the 6th month anniversary of my mother's death--something that I think about every day. Yet, I feel her presence more now than I did even when I could pick up the phone and call her. She has been with me every step of this journey--despite never knowing the promise I had made to myself on that bench a year ago. Losing my mother has been one of the greatest challenges of my life. People would say that losing a parent--especially your mother-- changes you...and now I understand what they meant. I am not the person I was before this loss.
2020 has also taught me the beauty and power of true connection and vulnerability. Despite the pandemic...I have laughed (and cried) more when my friends--that chosen family--than I ever have before. I have an incredible tribe of powerful, strong, absolutely beautiful women (and a few men, too 😊) who I love and love me fiercely. This is a gift for which I am eternally grateful. They have shown up, lifted me up, and sometimes literally picked me up--in ways I can never repay. Yet, know I do not have to...because, for the first time in my life, I no longer feel the need for performance-based acceptance. I am enough. Just as I am.
And because it makes total sense to change jobs/careers in the midst of a global pandemic--we added that to the list of things to do in 2020. Shifting from full-time school psych and adjunct to core faculty and part-time school psych has proven to be another amazing opportunity for me to step more fully into the person I was meant to be. Given the latitude to address issues of social justice and equity issues in my courses (thanks, Angie)--I suddenly had a platform to challenge perceptions and biases--in myself, my students, and now colleagues. One such pivotal moment coming just a few weeks ago, when I guest lectured in a course taught by one of the faculty who had interviewed me years ago for the EdD program. It was in that conversation, that she acknowledged her own moment of bias--the question that had crossed her mind about whether I would have the capability to complete doctoral study given my disability. While I tried not to skip a beat and thanked her for that admission, I find myself still reflecting on it over two weeks later. 😲 😥.
Was I angry with her? No...sadly, it is something I have always faced--note my earlier discussion of performance-based acceptance. I have always felt that I had to prove or "earn" my worth or value--that I was good enough due to my disability, gender, sexual orientation, because I am me...
Yet, this year I learned that the only thing holding me back was me--so, I stopped. I started pushing myself and taking risks. Being vulnerable and real--opening myself up to love and connection in ways that feed my soul. And thank God for my tribe. Do I still stumble? Get in my head? And sometimes worry about what "the world" thinks? Hell yes. But, I know there is no going back...there will be a 2x4 heading my way if I try.
I am creating my own peace. May you find yours in the year ahead. And know that I will walk with you as you have walked with me.
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