trying to feel my feet on the floor

Feeling totally disregulated.  Everything I thought I knew has been turned upside down.  Some of which was of my own doing, the rest I had no control over.  Six months ago, if you had asked me where my life was headed, I would have said I knew exactly where I was going and how I was getting there.  Now, I know nothing.  Or at least that is how it feels.  My head is spinning.  Everything I thought was safe, sacred even, has revealed otherwise.

Relationship.

Over.  Now a mutually agreed upon decision, but it didn't start out that way. It was my call.  I threw in the towel.  Neither of us were happy and it was unhealthy.  But I am stuck at the idea of starting over.  The insecurities have reared their ugly heads again.  I was content with the notion that I would never have to date or be alone again.  Even if it meant sacrificing a few things.  Do I regret the decision to leave?  No.  We are both better for it.  But the prospect is unnerving.  I don't like change and there has been an awful lot lately.

Home.

Strained.  The house has been something of a war zone for the last few months.  Because of things going on in the relationship, I did not feel safe being here.  In fact, I avoided being home as much as possible.  And now when I am home, it is still hard.  I am on guard.  Ready for a fight, the need to defend myself or my actions.  When alone my head takes off...so, I try to stay busy. But in doing this, I never feel rested and run down.

Work.

Vulnerable.  This had been my safe place, for months while things were crumbling around me--this was where I felt a sense of confidence and security.  Like I knew which end was up.  Not so much anymore.  Still fighting the urge to withdraw and retreat into comfort of my office--make my numbers and get out at the end of the day.  For the most part, people are genuine with their concern, but still I'm hyper vigilant.  Wary of the intentions of others, mistrusting, betrayed.  Except for with a few. 

Church.

Empty.  I went on Sunday for the first time in a few weeks.  So many questions from others about where 'my other half' was...people saying that they've missed us, me.  Church was something we did together.  Even though it was initially my idea to start going again, we are seen as a package deal.  Sitting in the pew, I tried to stay focused on the readings, the sermon, being mindful of the presence of God.  But, I felt nothing.  Numb almost.  I've thought about trying the earlier service...avoiding the majority of the questions...but that will do little for the emptiness.

There are few places/people where I feel connected these days.  Overwhelmed, and trying hard to not burden people with my stuff.  I know I am withdrawn. Blah. I fight it most days, but sometimes as I try to burn the candle at both ends, you get burned.