Nearing the finish line (really, just the closest checkpoint)

I thought about titling this entry, "the devil made me do it".  But decided that was a bit dramatic (because the title of my last post wasn't dramatic at all).

I still have quite a bit to do between now and the end of this semester--edit/revise a factitious report, tie up loose ends of a powerpoint, and two canvas posts (all by Thursday), then there is a final due Sunday, and another one due next week (and yes, this blog post is procrastination--or as I would prefer to call it, a break from all the homework I have already done this weekend).  Then I can breathe a bit easier for a while.  Granted, it will all get done--it always does.  Fortunately, I have a full month off between semesters this time--unlike the two weeks between summer term and the fall semester. I am planning to use that time to tighten up my dissertation proposal and perhaps even read for pleasure (such a novel idea, I know).

I was sitting in Church today thinking about where my head has been over the last month or so--historically, I have a really rough week about half-way through the semester where my emotions get the better of me and I am ready to throw in the towel.  This semester played out differently.  This time, the badgering was less intense, but was instead more insidious.

In the back of the Sept-Nov issue of Our Daily Bread, there was a description of ways to know whether it was God or Satan whispering to you.  God's words would be of encouragement, love, hope, and would be meant to build you up--ultimately to bring you closer to Him.  Satan on the other hand, would speak of fear, doubt, shame, guilt--all those things that tear you down and weaken your relationship with God.  As I sat on my bed reading it after Church today, I realized who's voice I'd been hearing more loudly over the last several weeks.

It was Satan who has been making it harder and harder to get out of bed (or to go to bed earlier), encouraging me to skip the gym, and blow off any efforts I had previously been making to improve my physical health.  It has been his urgings that have caused me to miss Sunday school for the last few weeks and barely make it to Church on time (after debating whether I was even going to go).  He has also reintroduced doubt in areas that I have worked hard over the last year to repair and heal.

God's voice has been there too--I suspect this is why it the negativity was less intense.  I have been able to continue with bible study, devotionals, and regular attendance at services which has helped me to not entirely lose focus on Him.  God was certainly speaking to me loudly in that moment, as I sat there with ODB in hand.

Needless to say, I changed my clothes and went to the gym--listening to praise music the whole time.
There is also another online bible study starting tomorrow.  My plan is to be more intentional with it, focused--to actually write out the SOAPs instead of just the quick posts like I did the last time.

I am also thinking about the sermon from this morning, "In times of need" and it's application to my current situation. As Christians we are called to help others--that one I have down--but as the pastor discussed, we must also be willing to accept help from others, and remember that everyone has a part.  When Satan's voice resonates in my head, I forget the last two--particularly as they relate to me.  I find that I am less likely to ask for help and lose sight of what my part (contribution) is and therefore try to fix/take things into my own hands.

I am still very much a work in progress.

drowning

It's been about six months since my last post.  I have not been as consistent with this as I intended.  I haven't quite decided what direction I would like this blog to take.  So, for now it stays as it is.

I used to write all of the time when I was depressed or anxious.  Fortunately, I am not nearly as anxious or depressed as I once was--but I still have episodes.  This last few weeks or so has been one of those times.  In this instances, more recently I find that I withdraw--my friends know I text a lot--lately I've sent few, if at all.  I recognize the isolation is not effective--it's driving me further into my head.

Each morning I ask God to work through me to do His will.  To be a light in the lives of those I work with.  I also ask Him for the strength to make it through the day, to live as He has intended.

And each night, I thank Him for His presence in my life.  For the gift of those who love me unconditionally and I ask Him to hold them in His hands.  To bring them peace.

I never ask for peace for myself.

There are days, that between those prayers, I feel like I am drowning--like I am barely coming up for air and my skin is crawling all at once.

And I get frustrated, because comparatively my life is not so bad--good, in fact.  And that makes it worse.  Still broken.

Make me broken
So I can be healed
'Cause I'm so calloused
And now I can't feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
'Cause I'm still holding
Onto my will
And I'm completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
'Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
'Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

[Chorus]

'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making,
I know You'll keep making
Lord, please keep making me