drowning

It's been about six months since my last post.  I have not been as consistent with this as I intended.  I haven't quite decided what direction I would like this blog to take.  So, for now it stays as it is.

I used to write all of the time when I was depressed or anxious.  Fortunately, I am not nearly as anxious or depressed as I once was--but I still have episodes.  This last few weeks or so has been one of those times.  In this instances, more recently I find that I withdraw--my friends know I text a lot--lately I've sent few, if at all.  I recognize the isolation is not effective--it's driving me further into my head.

Each morning I ask God to work through me to do His will.  To be a light in the lives of those I work with.  I also ask Him for the strength to make it through the day, to live as He has intended.

And each night, I thank Him for His presence in my life.  For the gift of those who love me unconditionally and I ask Him to hold them in His hands.  To bring them peace.

I never ask for peace for myself.

There are days, that between those prayers, I feel like I am drowning--like I am barely coming up for air and my skin is crawling all at once.

And I get frustrated, because comparatively my life is not so bad--good, in fact.  And that makes it worse.  Still broken.

Make me broken
So I can be healed
'Cause I'm so calloused
And now I can't feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
'Cause I'm still holding
Onto my will
And I'm completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
'Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
'Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

[Chorus]

'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making,
I know You'll keep making
Lord, please keep making me