I thought about titling this entry, "the devil made me do it". But decided that was a bit dramatic (because the title of my last post wasn't dramatic at all).
I still have quite a bit to do between now and the end of this semester--edit/revise a factitious report, tie up loose ends of a powerpoint, and two canvas posts (all by Thursday), then there is a final due Sunday, and another one due next week (and yes, this blog post is procrastination--or as I would prefer to call it, a break from all the homework I have already done this weekend). Then I can breathe a bit easier for a while. Granted, it will all get done--it always does. Fortunately, I have a full month off between semesters this time--unlike the two weeks between summer term and the fall semester. I am planning to use that time to tighten up my dissertation proposal and perhaps even read for pleasure (such a novel idea, I know).
I was sitting in Church today thinking about where my head has been over the last month or so--historically, I have a really rough week about half-way through the semester where my emotions get the better of me and I am ready to throw in the towel. This semester played out differently. This time, the badgering was less intense, but was instead more insidious.
In the back of the Sept-Nov issue of Our Daily Bread, there was a description of ways to know whether it was God or Satan whispering to you. God's words would be of encouragement, love, hope, and would be meant to build you up--ultimately to bring you closer to Him. Satan on the other hand, would speak of fear, doubt, shame, guilt--all those things that tear you down and weaken your relationship with God. As I sat on my bed reading it after Church today, I realized who's voice I'd been hearing more loudly over the last several weeks.
It was Satan who has been making it harder and harder to get out of bed (or to go to bed earlier), encouraging me to skip the gym, and blow off any efforts I had previously been making to improve my physical health. It has been his urgings that have caused me to miss Sunday school for the last few weeks and barely make it to Church on time (after debating whether I was even going to go). He has also reintroduced doubt in areas that I have worked hard over the last year to repair and heal.
God's voice has been there too--I suspect this is why it the negativity was less intense. I have been able to continue with bible study, devotionals, and regular attendance at services which has helped me to not entirely lose focus on Him. God was certainly speaking to me loudly in that moment, as I sat there with ODB in hand.
Needless to say, I changed my clothes and went to the gym--listening to praise music the whole time.
There is also another online bible study starting tomorrow. My plan is to be more intentional with it, focused--to actually write out the SOAPs instead of just the quick posts like I did the last time.
I am also thinking about the sermon from this morning, "In times of need" and it's application to my current situation. As Christians we are called to help others--that one I have down--but as the pastor discussed, we must also be willing to accept help from others, and remember that everyone has a part. When Satan's voice resonates in my head, I forget the last two--particularly as they relate to me. I find that I am less likely to ask for help and lose sight of what my part (contribution) is and therefore try to fix/take things into my own hands.
I am still very much a work in progress.
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