Erikson outlined eight psychosocial stages of development--with a crisis that occurs at each stage the response to which propels us into the next stage. These crises involve psychological needs of the individual (i.e. psycho) conflicting with the needs of society (i.e. social). Currently, I find myself in the throws of Intimacy vs. Isolation which ranges from 18-40 with the goal of formulating health loving relationships with others outside of my family of origin. So, how is this lone singleton doing amongst her sea of partnered and or parenting friends? It depends.
My shrink and I have had many a conversation about this recently--particularly my decision to prioritized my career and training so haven't had a lot of room left over for the time and emotional commitment required to be part of a couple. Also, the fact that I wanted to take the time to work on the codependency/attachment issues that affect relationships before investing in one--conscious decisions not to engage as opposed to the avoidance and fear of commitment typically associated with Erikson's description of Isolation.
And yet, there are days that there is still loneliness-particularly as others are busy with the complexities of parenting and family life. I will often pick up the phone to call one of my friends and realize that it is bedtime for the kid(s) or that their spouse will likely be home soon--so, I rarely complete the call. Or when requests to get together are frequently met with denials because of other commitments, I begin to question whether I am being needy and should stop asking which I am able to recognize as a remnant of my insecure attachments--because I am "not the gum". But yes, I will jump at the opportunity when it arises that one of my friends initiates time together and look forward to plans when they are made.
From what I can tell, Erikson did no specify that to be "successful" in this stage, one had to be married/partnered, nor did they have to have children. Though, that is commonly what is thought of societally. I have formed and have been able to maintain loving relationships with others. I have been blessed with the gift of several life long friendships and have been welcomed into the families of my friends, such that I am referred to as Auntie Kate by their children.
But does that make it Intimacy of the fringes? No. To say that it does, would imply that the love that I have for these individuals or they for me is of less value--it isn't, though it is differently prioritized and rightfully so.
So, we head into Thanksgiving, I am grateful for that love and those relationships which God has given to me.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
War Room
I can't sleep. So instead I will write a post. I saw the movie war room recently. It was an excellent movie about the power of prayer and the importance of regular communication with God. It was one of those movies where you laugh and you cry; sometimes within a matter of a few minutes.
The premise of the movie is that there's an older woman who takes a younger woman, with lukewarm face under her wing, and teaches her to trust completely in the power and providence of God through prayer.
As I left the movie I remember thinking, "I need a woman, a prayer warrior, like that in my life". Yet, in that same moment, one of the older ladies from my church commented to me, "we need to be there for others".
So, which is it? Is it that I need a prayer warrior take me under their wing or that I need to be a prayer warrior for someone else? I think the answer is both/and. I do not have a war room with scripture verses and prayers posted on the walls but I do have a deck. It is while sitting on that deck, in the darkness, that I have the most frank and honest conversations with God that I have ever had. It is also in those moments that I turn my troubles over to God and lift up those that to mind, asking for God's grace upon them. There are also times where the words will not come. So the prayer becomes asking God to no the words of my heart that I cannot speak.
Tonight was such a night. My anxiety has been unusually high over the last several days. Similar to how it was a few years ago. There are number of factors that could serve as the precipitant for this heightened anxiety. But, as I sat reciting scripture pertaining to needing not to worry and be anxious that's when it hit me.
Trust. I've been reading a lot about how one's attachment style can influence and be influenced by the relationship with God. While I have made a lot of progress in this area; there's still work to be done. Overall, I tend to border more now on secure with elements of ambivalent attachment. That ambivalence comes out more when under stress.
In the texts that I've read, the authors indicate that in order to develop a secure attachment from an ambivalent style one must assume the best; putting trust in the positive intentions of others. As opposed to jumping in the negative assumption that the relationship is a weak or crumbling. I was listening to a podcast this morning by Andy Stanley that touches on this notion that we all go through periods in life and in our faith where we feel that God is inattentive, uncooperative, or late. I seem to have particular difficulty with these periods given my history. So, as I sat out there in my "war room", I acknowledged that shortcoming. The one that still has difficulty fully embracing God's intention--like John the Baptist who questioned whether Jesus was the One, while he sat in his jail cell.
Sent from my iPhone
The premise of the movie is that there's an older woman who takes a younger woman, with lukewarm face under her wing, and teaches her to trust completely in the power and providence of God through prayer.
As I left the movie I remember thinking, "I need a woman, a prayer warrior, like that in my life". Yet, in that same moment, one of the older ladies from my church commented to me, "we need to be there for others".
So, which is it? Is it that I need a prayer warrior take me under their wing or that I need to be a prayer warrior for someone else? I think the answer is both/and. I do not have a war room with scripture verses and prayers posted on the walls but I do have a deck. It is while sitting on that deck, in the darkness, that I have the most frank and honest conversations with God that I have ever had. It is also in those moments that I turn my troubles over to God and lift up those that to mind, asking for God's grace upon them. There are also times where the words will not come. So the prayer becomes asking God to no the words of my heart that I cannot speak.
Tonight was such a night. My anxiety has been unusually high over the last several days. Similar to how it was a few years ago. There are number of factors that could serve as the precipitant for this heightened anxiety. But, as I sat reciting scripture pertaining to needing not to worry and be anxious that's when it hit me.
Trust. I've been reading a lot about how one's attachment style can influence and be influenced by the relationship with God. While I have made a lot of progress in this area; there's still work to be done. Overall, I tend to border more now on secure with elements of ambivalent attachment. That ambivalence comes out more when under stress.
In the texts that I've read, the authors indicate that in order to develop a secure attachment from an ambivalent style one must assume the best; putting trust in the positive intentions of others. As opposed to jumping in the negative assumption that the relationship is a weak or crumbling. I was listening to a podcast this morning by Andy Stanley that touches on this notion that we all go through periods in life and in our faith where we feel that God is inattentive, uncooperative, or late. I seem to have particular difficulty with these periods given my history. So, as I sat out there in my "war room", I acknowledged that shortcoming. The one that still has difficulty fully embracing God's intention--like John the Baptist who questioned whether Jesus was the One, while he sat in his jail cell.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, May 9, 2015
at the edge of the world
Whenever I am at the ocean, I always have a sense that I am at the edge of the world. That I am as close to God as I can be in this lifetime. So, it's fitting that this is where I am sitting as I type this.
I just spent the last two days at the NHPA conference at Hampton Beach. My first real venture into the world of a psychologist. I surprised myself, in someways by making the decision to participate--I put aside the thoughts that "I shouldn't be here--I'm just a MA level therapist/student" and was actually able to help one of the seasoned psychologists at my table better understand a concept.
Interestingly, in both sessions I attended, the discussion centered around helping patients sit w/distressing emotions and changing their relationship to those emotions.
Even though, I am have been doing this work with others for years--I still struggle with sitting w/my own distress. While I have made significant progress in this over the last few years as evidenced by reduction in GAD (OCD lite as was discussed today), less avoidance, fewer reassurance compulsions, and less frequent dissociation. I am still a work in progress.
I still have a tendency to numb unwanted or painful emotions, most notably through tattoos. If you ever were to ask me not "why that tattoo" but "what's going on/why now"? You'd get a very different response--assuming I felt safe enough in that moment to tell you. It isn't a coincidence that while each image signifies the promise of new life/rebirth, they have come following a major loss or transition that I was having a difficult time managing.
I've had the "itch" again more recently--we'll see if I do better this time.
Sent from my iPhone
I just spent the last two days at the NHPA conference at Hampton Beach. My first real venture into the world of a psychologist. I surprised myself, in someways by making the decision to participate--I put aside the thoughts that "I shouldn't be here--I'm just a MA level therapist/student" and was actually able to help one of the seasoned psychologists at my table better understand a concept.
Interestingly, in both sessions I attended, the discussion centered around helping patients sit w/distressing emotions and changing their relationship to those emotions.
Even though, I am have been doing this work with others for years--I still struggle with sitting w/my own distress. While I have made significant progress in this over the last few years as evidenced by reduction in GAD (OCD lite as was discussed today), less avoidance, fewer reassurance compulsions, and less frequent dissociation. I am still a work in progress.
I still have a tendency to numb unwanted or painful emotions, most notably through tattoos. If you ever were to ask me not "why that tattoo" but "what's going on/why now"? You'd get a very different response--assuming I felt safe enough in that moment to tell you. It isn't a coincidence that while each image signifies the promise of new life/rebirth, they have come following a major loss or transition that I was having a difficult time managing.
I've had the "itch" again more recently--we'll see if I do better this time.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Loving the unloveable
I used to write poetry all the time. I sat down to write a few times today...but the words would not come.
Found myself in a conversation this morning about the challenges of Exodus 20:12, when the command is to love what seems unloveable. The scars I carry are not visible and they are continually reopened. There are times in which interactions are without conflict. And after a few of these, I even begin to develop a sense of hope, that perhaps things are changing.
And then the other shoe drops.
The harsh words and abuse begin again and I leave feeling broken, weak, and worthless--never enough. Even if not directed soley at me, those wounds tear open and I am 13 again, even for a moment.
But the truth is, I know that I am not the person that individual believes me to be. And in fact, those angry words are a reflection pain and not the Truth.
It was said last night, "I feel like I don't even have kids" and while it hurt, I understood the feeling. It is similar to one I've had for years...that I didn't have parents. And as I drove away, with the conversation swirling in my mind, the term orphan came to mind.
But, I am not an orphan. I have a family who loves me, to whom I am enough, just as I am. And I do have parents--who did the best they could in their brokenness.
In this discussion, it was suggested I check out askquestions.org. So, I asked the question "how to honor an abusive parent." I have included the link to the response here if others want to read it.
We are called to love the unloveable things that broken people do. And in that love for them, we shine light where there is darkness.
Found myself in a conversation this morning about the challenges of Exodus 20:12, when the command is to love what seems unloveable. The scars I carry are not visible and they are continually reopened. There are times in which interactions are without conflict. And after a few of these, I even begin to develop a sense of hope, that perhaps things are changing.
And then the other shoe drops.
The harsh words and abuse begin again and I leave feeling broken, weak, and worthless--never enough. Even if not directed soley at me, those wounds tear open and I am 13 again, even for a moment.
But the truth is, I know that I am not the person that individual believes me to be. And in fact, those angry words are a reflection pain and not the Truth.
It was said last night, "I feel like I don't even have kids" and while it hurt, I understood the feeling. It is similar to one I've had for years...that I didn't have parents. And as I drove away, with the conversation swirling in my mind, the term orphan came to mind.
But, I am not an orphan. I have a family who loves me, to whom I am enough, just as I am. And I do have parents--who did the best they could in their brokenness.
In this discussion, it was suggested I check out askquestions.org. So, I asked the question "how to honor an abusive parent." I have included the link to the response here if others want to read it.
We are called to love the unloveable things that broken people do. And in that love for them, we shine light where there is darkness.
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