there are things in this life...

that I do not think I was made to understand.

There's a lot going on these days with friends and family, some of it I understand and some I don't--> and probably never will. Day in and day out, I listen to people's stories. The things they've experienced, and more often, the things they have survived. It makes me question humanity, the things I hear. The atrocities we commit against our fellow (wo)man are mind blowing. Lying, cheating, stealing, assaults of every kind, substance abuse, neglect, suffering...I can't help but think that this is not what our creators had in mind.

The story was not supposed to be this way.

At times I think of myself as a journal, a place where secrets are stored. Mine, yours, the person walking down the street. We all need a place to keep our stories, no matter how painful, so that others may learn from them. Our stories make us who we are, they shape how we interact with the world...it's like Shakespeare, "All the world is a stage, and we are but players in it".

What does your story say about you?

I believe that it is possible to change the outcome of our stories, but in order to do this, we must make sacrifices. We must make ourselves vulnerable. We must move into the unknown, where there is no map, no right way.

...just free falling...

Sometimes that means making some of the most difficult decisions of our lives, ending relationships, changing careers, saying you're sorry. It's taking personal responsibility for your part in the story, and it's impact on the characters around you.

It's taking a personal inventory.

What's in your closet?

view from my window

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically,emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.They may teach you something you have never done.They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

I knew this person once...years ago. She was a major support to me during adolescence. But the relationship ended somewhat badly. But it seems that every few years our lives cross again, but only for a moment. A few years back it was at a conference. This time, a store.

We were in Salem MA on Saturday, along with probably 250,000 other people. The streets were a sea of people. My friends and I stopped into a store to look around. Suddenly I look up and there she was. We said hello and then she was gone...back out into the crowds.

I think about her sometimes, I wonder how she is...I have regrets about that relationship. Maybe so does she. Last time, I tried to reach out to her...but she did not respond. This time, I will not. Instead, I will just be grateful for the passing. And to see that she is well.

gods cry

rain hits the sill

i listen as it falls.

the gods are crying

the ground dry and crack

takes in the tears--

frantic.

life continues.

creatures seek shelter

plants thrive

mother creates balance

man creates destruction

buildings are taller

resources depleated

mother attempts to repair

more trees removed

fields flattened and paved

for parking lots

and strip malls

crude spills into the oceans

systems destored

so our comforts can multiply

top of the food chain

we own this place

or so we think

until there is no more

Rising up from the ash

I started reading a book last night, it was a book I've read before, in a different time and place--I was different. Women Who Run with Wolves, and as I was reading, I was inspired. The creative spark, which I have not felt for several years, was lit again. I wanted to write. I wanted to create. I found myself urning for intellectual conversation. I lost this drive, in the whirlwind of graduate school and full-time work, to explore my own thoughts and ideas. Emotion and creativity supressed by hurry up and wait.

I got lost.

So this is will be my attempt at reconnection, I've made several others in the past, but am hopeful that this will last.

More to follow.

I'm feeling a bit disconnected from myself lately. I haven't written anything of substance in a long time. pottery helped as a creative outlet last spring...but I can't justify it with all of the house related expenses these days. I miss having friends. Granted, I do have friends...the ones I have are great...but, these days they are mostly people I met through Kate...the transition back to Manchester was harder than expected. Things aren't as I remember them and the friends I had here are busy with their own lives. I've stopped trying to reach out to them...because when I do, I just get disappointed.

Perhaps part of the reason I'm not writing is because I'm content with my life. Aside from the friend thing...I have everything I need...the angst is gone and in turn so is my muse. Yet, something is missing...

I feel like I should be doing more...of what I don't know. I want to be more active. At least I wish I were...more outdoorsy--kayaking, hiking, etc...but the motivation isn't there...I hardly ever go to the gym anymore. This is something that definitely needs to be fixed. I bought a bike I hardly ride. Hopefully, the spring will correct this.

I've reconnected with my faith...though still have questions. Sometimes I feel like God is talking right to me--especially in my work, yet sometimes I still feel an emptiness...this happens most when I'm trying to read the bible. It almost feels contrived. forced. Perhaps because I don't know how to read a bible or more like I feel like it is so often misinterpreted the words have lost meaning somehow. This makes me think about the people who use the bible to spread hate and ignorance. Whether with regards to homosexuality or even accessing various forms of health treatment for those who's leaders preach that their faith should be enough. I just have a hard time believing that the message was meant to be interpreted that way. Wouldn't God want us to use all of the resources available in order to reduce suffering?

Sometimes I think about going back to school...mostly because I miss academia. My work is challenging, and I learn something new every day from the people I work with (clients and staff), but I feel like I need more. Maybe it's the structure, the social interaction, or just a quest to learn something new...but it's missing. I have been reading more though, granted nothing of academic value--but it's a start.

And so is this.

Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judgingby Marina Margaret Heiss

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

==

I need to start writing again...so much has happened in the last year and a half. Soon.

Think and Write--April 7, 2007

My head's been spinning for the better part of two weeks and has resulted in something of a mild depression, which I hope to lift soon--as it is impeding on my overall functioning.

My relationship with Amber ended. It was her decision, I had no say in the matter. In hindsight, this parallels much of our relationship--it was almost entirely on her terms. She sighted lack of time as the rationale for the decision, which I can and do partially understand. But, in my experience, relationships take work--and I was willing to put in the effort. Unfortunately, she was not--or so it seems. She said she wanted to be friends, and see where things stood in May--once she'd gotten her life together a bit. Well, I've made a few attempts at friendly conversation with no response. So, I am done. The ball's in her court now--I'm worth fighting for, working for--and if she can't see this, that is her loss. I know there is someone out there who will, I just need to be patient; and I'm not waiting around to see if she changes her mind in May either. If I've met someone else, then I've met someone else...and if I haven't she's going to have to prove that she's willing to put in the time, and that I won't be the first thing to go next time things get tough--because I won't stand for that--not again.

It hurts though, because I really put myself out there for her. I opened up and let her in--maybe it was too quickly, or poorly thought out, but it still happened. And I got burned. While I'm sure it won't be the last time I am hurt by a girl, at least I will know to be more careful in the future.

In the midst of this my grandfather died. The services were this week. It was cancer. The 3rd grandparent in just over a year. I feel almost numb, partially as a result. Yet, there is a side of me that has so many regrets. Each time I see my extended family this happens because I know that I am not being honest with them, with myself, about who I am. But, I cannot seem to find a time to share this part of myself with them--partially out of fear of rejection. I don't want to lose what little sense of family I feel with time over the fact that I am gay--yet, it feels almost like an elephant in the room most times...waiting to be acknowledged. But what will this acknowledgement be like? I often ask myself if they would do to my wedding. But I have no answer to this or even how they would receive my partner. It is a bridge I will cross in time, perhaps once there is a concrete relationship in place.

HH appears to have re-entered my life as of late. While I feel for her struggles, I need to be careful not to be dragged down in the process. I cannot forget how I was treated when we were together, and I still see glimpses of this in her behaviors now. So, I am wary--I'd like for a friendship to be possible perhaps some day in the future, but lots of change must occur for that to become a reality. There are things that I must let go, and behaviors and ways of treating people that she must move beyond. Only time will tell if this is a possibility, for both of us.

The hard part about being the rock that everyone turns to, is when the rock is cracked. People never really know what to do with that. And even though I may be calling because I need to talk, I somehow always let the conversation turn to their concerns. Which normally would be fine--but in times like this, makes me feel almost worse. Because I know I am not really listening to them, at least not the way I could be.

I'm just tired right now. I need a change. And while I know that the end of the semester is coming, there is so much that needs to be done before that. And this summer will also be busy with classes, work, and starting my internship. This next 15mos will be a trying time for me, this I know. But I also know that in the end, it will all be worth it--as I will be able to move into the next phase of my life once I have completed this one.

On a positive note--I now have an internship placement beginning in mid July. I'm very excited about this opportunity and all it has to offer me. While I still have yet to learn exactly what it is I will be doing, at least knowing that I have somewhere to be doing something is a huge weight off my shoulders. I will share more about this as the information becomes available.

Speaking of weight--I seem to have plateaued at -40lbs. But I also have not be very good about sticking to the diet plan. So, this week begins anew. I am going to try to be better at eating right, not picking, and continuing to exercise regularly. I'm also going to be adding a 20min walk to my routine, in hopes that this boosts my metabolism again. I still have at least another 25lbs or so that I would like to lose before my birthday, which will be difficult to acheive at the current rate.

Thank you for listening. This seemed to help.

k