projection

coward
hypocrite
selfish
phony
ungrateful

inconsiderate little piece of shit.

love you too.

i'm sorry...you must have me confused with someone else...

look in the mirror lately?

disappointment
do as i say, not as i do
if that's what you have to do
white picket fence
narcissist

standing alone.

Cleanse

Four years ago I began a journey. I had recently lost two grandparents to cancer...I was significantly overweight and unhappy. It was then that I decided I needed to change my life. I started eating better, exercising, and stretching regularly. I lost 70lbs that year. Since then life has been a whirl wind. I've gained most of the weight back (it's been a rough year), can't remember the last time I went to the gym, and stretch sporadically.

It's time to kick it into gear again.

Beth was visiting last week and told be about a cleanse she is starting this month. It's based off of the book Clean. --->.

I am going to use this cleanse to begin healing from the tumultuous year I've had. I'm going to lose the weight, once and for all, and start taking care of myself for good this time.

I also plan to use 2011 to reduce my carbon footprint and finally stop living beyond my means. I'm going to pay off my credit cards and take a few lessons from Kate, in terms of financial management. I'm tired of stressing about money, not being able to do the things I want--> comfortably take the dog for a walk, go for a hike. I just want to be better. To be healthy. To be clean.

there are things in this life...

that I do not think I was made to understand.

There's a lot going on these days with friends and family, some of it I understand and some I don't--> and probably never will. Day in and day out, I listen to people's stories. The things they've experienced, and more often, the things they have survived. It makes me question humanity, the things I hear. The atrocities we commit against our fellow (wo)man are mind blowing. Lying, cheating, stealing, assaults of every kind, substance abuse, neglect, suffering...I can't help but think that this is not what our creators had in mind.

The story was not supposed to be this way.

At times I think of myself as a journal, a place where secrets are stored. Mine, yours, the person walking down the street. We all need a place to keep our stories, no matter how painful, so that others may learn from them. Our stories make us who we are, they shape how we interact with the world...it's like Shakespeare, "All the world is a stage, and we are but players in it".

What does your story say about you?

I believe that it is possible to change the outcome of our stories, but in order to do this, we must make sacrifices. We must make ourselves vulnerable. We must move into the unknown, where there is no map, no right way.

...just free falling...

Sometimes that means making some of the most difficult decisions of our lives, ending relationships, changing careers, saying you're sorry. It's taking personal responsibility for your part in the story, and it's impact on the characters around you.

It's taking a personal inventory.

What's in your closet?

view from my window

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically,emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.They may teach you something you have never done.They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

I knew this person once...years ago. She was a major support to me during adolescence. But the relationship ended somewhat badly. But it seems that every few years our lives cross again, but only for a moment. A few years back it was at a conference. This time, a store.

We were in Salem MA on Saturday, along with probably 250,000 other people. The streets were a sea of people. My friends and I stopped into a store to look around. Suddenly I look up and there she was. We said hello and then she was gone...back out into the crowds.

I think about her sometimes, I wonder how she is...I have regrets about that relationship. Maybe so does she. Last time, I tried to reach out to her...but she did not respond. This time, I will not. Instead, I will just be grateful for the passing. And to see that she is well.

gods cry

rain hits the sill

i listen as it falls.

the gods are crying

the ground dry and crack

takes in the tears--

frantic.

life continues.

creatures seek shelter

plants thrive

mother creates balance

man creates destruction

buildings are taller

resources depleated

mother attempts to repair

more trees removed

fields flattened and paved

for parking lots

and strip malls

crude spills into the oceans

systems destored

so our comforts can multiply

top of the food chain

we own this place

or so we think

until there is no more

Rising up from the ash

I started reading a book last night, it was a book I've read before, in a different time and place--I was different. Women Who Run with Wolves, and as I was reading, I was inspired. The creative spark, which I have not felt for several years, was lit again. I wanted to write. I wanted to create. I found myself urning for intellectual conversation. I lost this drive, in the whirlwind of graduate school and full-time work, to explore my own thoughts and ideas. Emotion and creativity supressed by hurry up and wait.

I got lost.

So this is will be my attempt at reconnection, I've made several others in the past, but am hopeful that this will last.

More to follow.

I'm feeling a bit disconnected from myself lately. I haven't written anything of substance in a long time. pottery helped as a creative outlet last spring...but I can't justify it with all of the house related expenses these days. I miss having friends. Granted, I do have friends...the ones I have are great...but, these days they are mostly people I met through Kate...the transition back to Manchester was harder than expected. Things aren't as I remember them and the friends I had here are busy with their own lives. I've stopped trying to reach out to them...because when I do, I just get disappointed.

Perhaps part of the reason I'm not writing is because I'm content with my life. Aside from the friend thing...I have everything I need...the angst is gone and in turn so is my muse. Yet, something is missing...

I feel like I should be doing more...of what I don't know. I want to be more active. At least I wish I were...more outdoorsy--kayaking, hiking, etc...but the motivation isn't there...I hardly ever go to the gym anymore. This is something that definitely needs to be fixed. I bought a bike I hardly ride. Hopefully, the spring will correct this.

I've reconnected with my faith...though still have questions. Sometimes I feel like God is talking right to me--especially in my work, yet sometimes I still feel an emptiness...this happens most when I'm trying to read the bible. It almost feels contrived. forced. Perhaps because I don't know how to read a bible or more like I feel like it is so often misinterpreted the words have lost meaning somehow. This makes me think about the people who use the bible to spread hate and ignorance. Whether with regards to homosexuality or even accessing various forms of health treatment for those who's leaders preach that their faith should be enough. I just have a hard time believing that the message was meant to be interpreted that way. Wouldn't God want us to use all of the resources available in order to reduce suffering?

Sometimes I think about going back to school...mostly because I miss academia. My work is challenging, and I learn something new every day from the people I work with (clients and staff), but I feel like I need more. Maybe it's the structure, the social interaction, or just a quest to learn something new...but it's missing. I have been reading more though, granted nothing of academic value--but it's a start.

And so is this.