Hello Gremlin, how are you?

I'm reading this book, Taming Your Gremlin, and it's all about how to overcome that negative little voice in your head-->you know the one who tells you how much you suck or that people don't really like you. You are not good enough. Err, at least that's what mine says. Regardless of the content of the message, these little bastards can do a number if not kept in check. The problem is, we've been listening to them for so long...we can no longer even tell that the voice isn't our own or is not based in any sort of reality.

The book breaks done the steps to squashing your gremlin into basically three principles.

simply notice
be at choice
play with options

It's all about changing how with think and interact with our gremlins...detaching ourselves from the onslaught of negativity that clouds our every interaction. My gremlin is somewhat amorphous. Sometimes he looks and sounds like people I've known, others there seems to be no shape but only a feeling of weight. The gremlin wants to keep you in the dark, he thrives there. To see the light is to question and begin to poke holes in the messages he's convinced you to believe.

I've done a lot of work on my gremlin. I know where he comes from and what at times gives him strength. I've gotten better at recognizing his games, but at times he remains one step ahead. But, I suppose that's what the last step is (I haven't quite gotten there yet). Taming your gremlin is a process. He didn't grow over night, nor will he disappear. It's having a healthy respect for his power, yet finding the strength within ourselves to kick his ass to the curb.

Wake-Up Call

There it is again,
the aching.
it’s going to be one of those days
I can tell. The pain,
encircling my knees
travels down the length of my shines,
does a tour of my ankles,
and back up the calves.

My muscles twitch
in an uncontrollable spasm.
As I lay there, I dread
the moment I attempt
to rise.
What if I fall?
It’s happened before…

Heat doesn’t work,
ice is pointless—
there are meds…
they at least dull the ache,
but, stubbornness is a bitch.
I hate the way they make me feel,
besides, I did this to myself—
the years of neglect, I deserve
the pain.

So, I rise and put on my happy face,
it’s time to grin and bear it.
Make you believe
that there is no pain.
It’s all okay
and fool you—
for yet another day.

Through the Cracks

As the darkness rolls in--consuming
my mind reels from a past I've wanted to forget
from which I have tried to run away
yet I know I cannot run forever,
so instead I erect a wall
to block out the memories--the pain
I keep this wall up, thinking I will hurt less
be hurt less, that no one needs to know me
there are some though
that have peered through the cracks
and even scaled the divide
to these few, I hold on dearly
afraid of them walking away,
leaving me,
alone.

Walls

I used to think they were a good idea. They kept things in, and more importantly, kept people out. Took moments to build and years to take down. And it seemed like every time I would start to take them down, something would happen, and they would go up higher and with even more thickness. It was a learned behavior, survival.

Years later they are still there, just as thick, but with a few cracks here and there. Few people have been able to successfully scale them. I used to take pride in this. But right now I sit here wondering how much I have lost out on because of my solid construction.

As I sit here thinking. There's a video game in the background. World at War. Rather fitting actually. We're all at war, every moment of every day trying to decide our next move. Who lives and who dies? Who get's in and who to keep out. What parts of ourselves get sealed away behind re-bar and cement?

I've spent years chipping away at the concrete slabs and sometimes I make progress. I even know why I started pouring the foundation all those years ago. I was that scared little girl in the corner...the one the kids picked on for riding the short bus. Then there was all the other stuff. The stuff that we didn't talk about. The secrets.

I never fit into the molds that were cast for me. My walls I think were my attempt at creating my place in this world. To hide behind the fact that that I wasn't what I was supposed to be. From the moment I entered the scene someone's expectation somewhere was dashed.

So I built.
I perfected.
I was the foreman.

But now I am tired.

The question now is, how do I find myself beneath the rubble?

this point in my life

Tracy had it right...

Done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right
Oh i, oh ive
Done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right

At this point in my life
Ive done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me I hope I wont let you down
If you give me a chance I'll try
You see it's been a hard road the road Im traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin
Ive had a hard life Im just saying it so you'll understand
That right now, right now, Im doing the best I can

At this point in my life
At this point in my life
Although Ive mostly walked in the shadows
Im still searching for the light
Wont you put your faith in me
We both know that's what matters
If you give me a chance I'll try
You see Ive been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down
Ive been reaching high always losing ground
You see Ive been reaching high but always losing ground
You see Ive conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb
And right now right now Im doing the best I can
At this point in my life

Before we take a step
Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises
Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment
Let me tell you of my past
All Ive seen and all Ive done
The things I'd like to forget

At this point in my life
At this point in my life
Id like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it

You see when Ive touched the sky
The earths gravity has pulled me down
But now Ive reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life
At this point in my life

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/tracy+chapman/#share

projection

coward
hypocrite
selfish
phony
ungrateful

inconsiderate little piece of shit.

love you too.

i'm sorry...you must have me confused with someone else...

look in the mirror lately?

disappointment
do as i say, not as i do
if that's what you have to do
white picket fence
narcissist

standing alone.

Cleanse

Four years ago I began a journey. I had recently lost two grandparents to cancer...I was significantly overweight and unhappy. It was then that I decided I needed to change my life. I started eating better, exercising, and stretching regularly. I lost 70lbs that year. Since then life has been a whirl wind. I've gained most of the weight back (it's been a rough year), can't remember the last time I went to the gym, and stretch sporadically.

It's time to kick it into gear again.

Beth was visiting last week and told be about a cleanse she is starting this month. It's based off of the book Clean. --->.

I am going to use this cleanse to begin healing from the tumultuous year I've had. I'm going to lose the weight, once and for all, and start taking care of myself for good this time.

I also plan to use 2011 to reduce my carbon footprint and finally stop living beyond my means. I'm going to pay off my credit cards and take a few lessons from Kate, in terms of financial management. I'm tired of stressing about money, not being able to do the things I want--> comfortably take the dog for a walk, go for a hike. I just want to be better. To be healthy. To be clean.