Time to regroup

Sitting by the fireplace with slippers

My day started with these questions, from the pulpit:
Who have been, who are the saints of your life?
Who has called you out saying, “I see greatness in you”?  Who are the voices of reason crying out in your wilderness? God, you get us where we need to go by giving us mentors who say,
“Go and ask”; “Come and see.”  As others challenge, help, inspire us, Lord in your name, and may we do the same. AMEN.

As I listened to the words, the names and faces of the people closest to me started to swirl in my mind.  Those that have inspired and motivated me to be better, in all aspects of my life--professionally, personally, and spiritually.  I am fortunate to be surrounded by so many of these individuals on a regular basis.  Casual aquaintances turned lifelong friends mentors.  Today, I have been able to connect with some of these individuals, some in person and others through phone or text.  These are the people I turn to when wandering in the wilderness of my emotion mind.  These are the ones who ground me, the saints in my life.  These people understand me and see the potential that often I cannot. 

Sometimes I find myself feeling angry at God, for the parts of the plan that I do not understand.  And it seems, each time this happens, I receive a response to bring light to the darkness.  Today, was filled with such a response. The patience of my best friend as I made my way through recesses of the darkened corners of emotion, and now as I regroup by the fireplace of two other long time friends. 

Saturday's photo

 

Taking a time out

 Today's photo comes from the hour I took for myself this afternoon (technically now yesterday afternoon).  About once a month I go for a massage, the monthly membership ensures that I actually go.  Or else, this little piece of self care would also likely go by the wayside like all the others I have tried in the past.

I figured today was a good day for it.  Having to take the GRE this morning, I knew I would be tense once finished and saw this as a bit of a reward.  Tyler, the massage therapist (and no, I don't find it creepy to have a male), commented a few times regarding the increased number of knots he found in my back and shoulders.  Can't imagine why--not like I have any stress in my life!

photo a day 1/13/12

Mondo brownie sundae

I was at dinner tonight with a friend from work.  Recently she was telling me about the 'photo a day' project she is working on.  Each day, she finds something to take a picture of in order to record the events of her day/year.  Last week I was the subject of the day, while over her house for tea.  I liked this idea and thought it would be a good way to use this space and focus on the more positive aspects of my life.  I am surrounded by beauty on a daily basis.  There are often times, I wish I had a camera with me to capture a sunset, snowfall, or moment with friends.  This will give me an excuse to reconnect with this aspect of myself.

This has been a trying year, but each day I am reminded of how truly blessed I am to have the friends and family (blood and adopted) that I do.  Without them, I don't know how I would have fared over these last several months.  

Joan and I shared this dessert at the urging of the waitress (we had originally ordered our own).  It was so large, we were unable to finish it!

revelation

Two thousand and eleven taught me a lot of things.  It showed me that forever, sometimes isn't that long; and other times, it is.  I learned my limit, and where I would never want to be again.  I have laughed until I cried with friends and cried until there were no more tears with those same individuals.  I was reminded that it is important to stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone.  Yet, even when you think you could not be any more alone, you never really are.  The end of two thousand and eleven brought with it both grief and hope for a brighter future.  I found myself in a place I never thought I would be again, with many unknowns laying ahead of me.

I learned some valuable lessons about the beauty of friendship and the meaning of family.  This year showed me just how incredibly fortunate I am, to have the people I do in my life.  Without the love and support of my friends, I would have stayed.  And it would have destroyed me.  But because of them, knowing that I was loved, for who I truly am, I was able to say 'no more'.  I also learned that I am as important to said friends, as they are to me--that we are family.

This past year also brought with it, forgiveness and reconciliation.  The guard is still up for protection and self-preservation.  But the repairative work has begun. Though the progress is slow.

I am evolving. Growing.  Shifting. Awakening.

Staring at a photograph

I've just stumbled across an image, wound torn open yet again. Anger and pain surging through me as I look on. This picture has almost a mirror like quality to it, hard dose of reality associated, which cuts hard and knocks me off my feet.

Hot, fresh tears, leave a stain on the surface of the photograph hoping to serve as a reminder to not be fooled again into thinking "it wasn't so bad"; as we so often do to soften the memory.

----

Just over 12hrs ago, tears stained my cheeks as well. As I stood up to the hypocrisy, that is my situation. Said she understood ["no you don't", I replied," it's not happening to you"], thanked me for being so good about it all, etc.

I go downstairs to use the bathroom to find the situation, yet again, or just about. Selfish.

Yet, I don't know who or what I am more angry at. It is what it is. And I fell for it. Hundreds of times.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Room by room

At the start of every year (or the end, depending on when you make up your mind) we make resolutions--things we are going to change in the months ahead...Ellen Goodman writes,

"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives … not looking for flaws, but for potential."

I prefer this way of looking at it.

If you had told me a year ago, this would be my life--I probably wouldn't have believed you. 2011 was a year of significant change, all of which has the potential to make me a stronger, wiser, person. Though, I am still reeling from some of it--2012, I am hopeful will be a year of even greater personal growth.

I am cleaning house. Going through and getting rid of the things I don't need and dusting off parts of myself that have been in storage for far too long.

As I go through the rooms, there are times where I stumble across a photograph or a object that triggers a memory. And like a going through that old box in the attic, there is an emotional response. I am working hard to manage these moments.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

It IS a Wonderful Life

There is a gentle snow falling outside and the Christmas lights glow warmly from the tree and through the window outside.  As I sit here writing, It's a Wonderful Life is playing on the TV (I've discovered Vudu).  I haven't written in the last few weeks.  Too busy in my own head, worrying about the 'what ifs', and allowing myself to be stuck in the darker corners of myself.  I made some feable attempts at masking the space I was in.  I was dreading this holiday, thinking that I would be feeling sad and alone.

Yet, as the comes to a close, I am filled with a sense of peace. Over the last 36 hours, I have been continually reminded of how truly blessed I am.  I have been welcomed into the homes of friends--as family.  I was there as my long-time friend's father became engaged.  Listened to the sound of hymns and celebrated the meaning of the holiday.  I made my mother's day by having breakfast at my childhood home, the first Christmas I've spent at home in five years.  My friend's two year old was upset when it was time for me to leave.  Brought dinner to my brother.  And was then invited into the home of more friends for dessert, who had wonderful news to share.  Now, home for the night, I am sitting on the couch wearing my best friend's sweatshirt.  The one she left for me, to remind me that I am not alone.

[You've been given a great gift George, a chance to see what the world would be like without you...]

This really is one of my favorite holiday films and this year, more than others, it seems to mirror even more closely to my own life.

For weeks, months even; I have questioned my faith--the existance of God in my life.  I'd allowed myself to block His presence with my fear and doubt.  The events of this holiday have provided the indisputable truth that He is very much at work in my life, having surrounded [literally and figuratively] me with people who love and support me, as I am, for who I am.