"I knew exactly how she felt. When you're different, sometimes you don't see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the one person who doesn't." -- Change of Heart

The idea for a few different posts have been swirling through my head for the last few days.  But, none seemed like enough to write about fully, perhaps this is the thread.  This quote resonated with me.  I used to avoid situations in which my differences shown through (and sometimes still do).  It would be 90 degrees and I would wear pants, because I rationalized that at least then people couldn't see how my knees turned in....

though, I probably drew more attention for wearing pants in that heat...

I am trying to embrace my differences more these days.  Granted, I am by no means happy with my current level of mobility--I have some things coming up later in the summer which are motivating me to do something about it.  I haven't quite gotten around to stretching, (as I was painfully reminded eariler in the day), but I did ride the bike and participate in an hr of Lenten Boot Camp today, both of which are steps in the right direction.

Three times this week I was told, by different people, in different contexts, that I have an old soul. That I see things in a way that others my age do not.  Gift (or a curse) likely caused by my history.  Perhaps, I (we) have done this all before...this could be the reason while there are some people in our lives that it seems like we have known forever...because perhaps we have.  If not in another life, while waiting for this one to begin. 

The crosses we bear

A table set for quiet reflection

Several times during this morning's service, I thought to myself, "I've got to talk about that later..."  And now 12hrs later, the themes are still rolling around in my mind. I will do my best to make sense of them as concisely as possible.

The first came as part of Marjorie's sermon.  It was a children's sermon about crosses and the message was that we should try to see the world through the cross--to see the world and one another as Jesus does--with compassion and love.

The second, and perhaps more striking moment came during bible study. [note:  I grew up Catholic--there was no such thing as bible study, in fact reading the bible was something you did as a punishment.  Sure, there was lots of religious education (I know a lot about what the Church wanted me to know), but never dialogue and room for interpretation--so, this was all new].  We took various translations of Mark 8:31-38 and compared them, identifying what in each interpretation spoke to us.  Basically, what is being asked of us in this passage, is that you have to give it up to God--He is in "the driver's seat"--as one version put it--and goes on to ask what good is it to have everything in life, but lose your soul?  This made me think of my parents.  The conversation I'd had with my mother earlier in the week.  Authenticity. Materialism. 


We all have crosses to bear, and it is in bearing them with strength,and taking that leap of faith, that He truly is in control, we become closer to God.   Mine are different than yours, yet we find ourselves in the same place, just traveled another path.  Admittedly, I have trouble giving up control.  Perhaps this is part of the reason, I do not feel His presence--I am fighting too hard against Him, my faith is too week.

The photograph shows a candle lit in the center of the table, the candle sits on top of a stone (God is our rock), there are broken pieces of pottery representing the ourselves, broken and worn (scraps of burlap), as we make our way to God.

A return to reason

"It's the way he hates you. It's so...familiar" ... "Maybe he just sees me as I really am." -- Mockingjay

I finally finished this book tonight. My head (as previously mentioned) has been a disaster as of late, so reading has been out of the question--though, probably would have been better, safer, for me. When these waves hit me, they are somewhat similar to the episodes Peeta experiences in the final book. Memories that make him pause, asking, "Real or Not Real".

Sometimes I wonder if it be better to just lock myself away until the wave passes, come out for public appearances, but otherwise cut me off from the rest of the world. No phone, no email, nothing. I cause damage in these times. Upset the balance of things, too caught up in what is Not Real. To do this is not realistic, however. I must learn to bring myself back more quickly. To play the game. Find out what is real--before I become hijacked by my emotions.

Real.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Knowing vs knowing

My head has been a disaster the last few days.  In a self-loathing kind of mood.  I suppose there are a number of factors surrounding this...hormones, stress, working too much, being overtired, etc.  Regardless of the reasons, I am having great difficulty shaking it off.  My head is heavy with fragments of random thoughts...

Disconnected and distant from the people who mean the most to me.
Overwhelmed and underappreciated.
Frustrated but not feeling justified in why.
Needing to feel grounded.
Wanting to take better care of myself but not having the motivation to do it.

you get the idea.

I Know much of these things are not based in reality.  Knowing, meaning wise mid.  But the problem is that I am so stuck in emotion mind right now, that I am having trouble seeing the truth.  The facts that disprove the fun house thinking going on inside my head.  I am not used to talking about this stuff, aside from with a select one or two people.  I have try to be a better listener than talker.

I am somewhat hopeful that the weather is decent this weekend and I can do to the beach or something.  The waves always soothe me.  Help me find perspective. 

question for God

One of the other blogs I follow, belongs to that of Mr. John Wallace (and if you don't follow him, perhaps you should).  His post from Friday, asks "When you get to heaven, what is the first question you will ask God?"  I have been thinking about this and lots of other things all weekend.  My mind is somewhat cluttered and I feel as though I am being pulled in 100 directions, with really no where to go.  But, more on that in a moment...

There are so many questions I would like to ask if provided the opportunity to do so.  But, for the first?  I will ask if He is pleased.  Did I live my live in the manner in which He intended?  The Sermon and subsequent Youth Group discussion this morning surrounded the notion of being intentional during the Lenten season.  Intentional about our interactions with others, but most importantly with God.  When asked how I planned to observe Lent this year, I responded by saying that my focus was to evaluate the things in my that still need work and put my faith in God that He has a plan for how they will be resolved.

I am restless.  Often feel like I am spinning my wheels. Waiting.  For what? I don't know.  Change of some kind.  This is where I start to grow impatient, wanting to understand the plan.

There are also fragments of other things whirling around--my best friend asked me to write a poem yesterday, so I did.  First one I'd written in months.  Wasn't my best showing, but there are now lines of others swirling around.  But, I am not focused.  I am having a hard time sitting quietly, alone with myself. 

Alone in a room full of people...

Winslow was such a good boy today during the Tastefully Simple party. He stayed out on the deck while guests were tasting the products and greeted everyone appropriately when allowed to come inside (I had the e-collar remote at the ready...). He then settled down onto the rug in the middle of the room, with everyone chatting around him.

Hey Kind Friend

Hey kind friend
I don't know when I'll see you again
On a ferry boat bound to Victoria
Layin' down to hide from the wind

Big dipper hangin' over the city
You know everything now is different for me
And it ain't no use in
Explainin' the scenery

I said, "Kind friend
Help me forget where I been
Kind friend
Remember who I am"

I was too late in Spokane
So I caught a ride through the cascade range
I saw the sun die in Olympia
Runnin' down on Capital lake

Now I ask you for some relief
It's one true root that you bring to me
It's 3 a.m.
And it's good company

I said, "Hey kind friend
Help me forget where I been
Hey kind friend
Help me remember who I am"

Hey kind friend
Don't know if I'm gonna see you again
It's okay friend
It's okay friend
(it's so hard when they all have to face goin' away)

So I'll meet you in New Orleans or I'll see you around
'Cause I don't know if it's worth comin' down
Hey I'm callin' you
From a gold rush town

And I say, "Hey kind friend
Help me forget where I've been
Hey kind friend
Help me remember who I am"

Hey kind friend
I don't know if I'm gonna see you again
It's okay friend
I'm okay friend

I said, "I'm okay friend
I'm okay friend"
(See you later)

--Indigo Girls