think on such things

There are many times where a thought will come to mind, and I think to myself "I should write about that later".  Then later comes; and I forget.  So, I thought I would start an entry just as a means of jotting some of those ideas down--with a goal of fleshing them out (or not) at a later time.

Things I think about:

Ethical dilemmas in education
Civil Rights and Liberties
Beginnings, endings, and everything in between
Writing a book/publishing articles
When there is "nothing" left to strive for
The unseen aspects of domestic violence
Weight/disability issues
Travel
Creating a sense of home
A life of singleness

I am considering setting a challenge of a post a week for these topics over the summer.  Are there other topics others would like to hear from me on?

Coming out from the fog

I always struggle with what to name the subjects of these posts, but more so I also will often think to write and don't because I get tired of feeling like I am complaining.  I have even considered deleting the blog all together.  And yet today, I opted to write--regardless of who is reading (or not). In hopes of reconnecting with the part of myself that was an avid reader and writer.

Since February vacation (one month ago), I have read (listened) to 4 books...books that were for me--not for a class or anything else.  This is beyond the reading I do for work related things.  And I have loved it.  I can't wait for the next book in the series to be released (no idea when that will be) and am totally open to recommendations for more.

I know part of this upswing is due to some of the major changes I have implemented recently to put life back on track and returning to me.

I have learned so much through this most recent chapter; lessons I don't know I could have truly appreciated any other way.

Sometimes "unconditional love" has conditions
Never compromise your values for someone else
Doing what is right is not always what is easy
True friends really are the ones you can call at 2am (or 11:45pm in this instance)

I am beyond blessed to have the people in my life that I do...I have a village who give more to me than I can ever express--and I can only hope I give back to in kind.

There are more that are currently harder to articulate, but may come out in time.  Excited to move into my house on the lake next weekend--this one is for good.

Took a wrong turn somewhere

So many times since my last entry I have thought about posting here...but, it didn't work out for a variety of reasons.  There has been many changes since my last post.  Some less obvious than others.  And words do not flow as smoothly as they once did--but this is an attempt at reconnecting with a form that was once helpful to me.

There are days I feel like I am drowning and others content--and a range in between.  Work is one of the places where I feel most effective in my life right now, but even as I sit here now...today is an off day (it is rainy and cold and been a long week).  I am cranky today and my compassion reserves are limited (not ideal for a shrink).  But, I am human.

I find myself often filled with excitement yet dread as I am nearing the final stages of the licensure process as a psychologist.  I also feel stuck more often than not in a life that is not what I envisioned for myself unsure of what to do next and searching.

For what?  I don't know...fulfillment, I guess.  To feel whole.  I have learned that these things do not come from acts or others but from within...so that is progress.  And I am becoming increasingly disinterested in people or situations that deplete me without giving back.  Yet, I am still struggling somewhat with finding a balance or setting limits with those dynamics...which perpetuates the feeling of permanence in my current predicament.

The irony of my life these days is staggering:

I was tired of being taken advantage of and am now in a situation far worse.  On so so many levels.
 

Update as a First Year School Psychologist

So, it's been about two months since my last post about my first year as a school psychologist.  It's hard to believe how quickly the school year is going by.  

Things I have learned so far:

Kids are awesome.

Testing isn't so bad--I have done 9 evals!

I could get used to the built in breaks and vacations :)

That being said, this is a challenging time of year in a school setting--this stretch between Thanksgiving and Christmas is an interesting time.  There is a unique energy and excitement buzzing throughout each of the buildings I am in.

Today I am attending the 4th of 5 sessions on special education processes--today's topic how disability affects involvement and process in general education.  As someone who is a person with a disability, I am uniquely tuned into how my experiences may impact this discussion.  

To be continued...

Adventures in being a first year School Psychologist

A shrink should have fun shoes

Had you told me a year ago that today I would be working as a School Psychologist at both a high school AND a middle school--I would have laughed at you.  At that point, I believed that my internship was complete, I would be returning in some capacity to my role at the CMHC, that had been my employer since I left grad school (the first time). 

By New Year's, I was going to be returning to my roots in higher education.  Sending out cover letters and CVs all over New England, I was certain I would find my niche in College and University Counseling.  Some would even say, I turned down the offer of a life time, to work at the University of Notre Dame (yes, the Notre Dame).  But, something didn't feel right.

Then of course, there was the brief period of time in which I thought I was going into the private practice realm, first full time, and then part-time with a part-time University job.  It would be the best of both worlds, right?  Yet again, when asked by the program director of the academic program I was about to begin teaching in as adjunct faculty--I couldn't seem to bring myself to fill out the APA CV listing those two roles.  It was as if I was in denial of the reality I had created for myself.  I just couldn't envision myself working in private practice, yet I was willfully about to be doing just that. 

Until I received that email.  It had been forwarded to me by my program director--a school job, with the name of a contact person I recognized.  So, I called...emailed back and forth with my PD and was encouraged to apply.  Letters of recommendation were requested and revised, I was interviewed and hired.  In a whirlwind of less than a week, I quit both the private practice and university positions and began.  And now, just shy of a month in--I have no regrets.  I find myself smiling at times for no reason, as I walk down the halls.  Students stop in to see me, just because.  I learn something new everyday (I'll do an entry sometime just on acronyms in education...oy!).  The district took a risk in hiring me, just as I took a risk in jumping out of the safety of the familiar--but think both are finding it was worth it.

My friend Karen used to post a sketch or a narrative during her first year as a middle school art teacher--I would look forward to them each day.  And while I cannot promise that I will be as prolific or interesting as what she would submit, I intend to catalog my adventures here.

“Security is mostly a superstition. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” — Helen Keller

Carpe Diem

Live in the moment

I bought this for myself about a year ago.  It typically sits on the base of my computer monitor in my office at KSC (but that created a less appealing photo).  On the wall to my right, by the door to exit my office hangs a framed poster of a Buddha quote "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." I received this as a gift a few months later as I struggled to accept the loss of relationship with the person who had been my best friend for several years. 

One of the challenges of that friendship was that for much of it, I lived in the fear of losing it.  Yet, this loss came after I'd accepted it was without end.  Even now, as I reflect on that relationship my eyes fill with tears and I am forced to clear my throat.

Live in the moment.

Take risks.  Love unconditionally; even when the conditions do not suit you. 

I went into my internship year with the intention of refining my clinical skills.  I was to be in this place a year, no sense in connecting with those around me to only say goodbye a few months later.  But this is not what transpired.  Instead, I was surrounded by people intent on pushing and challenging me to face my fear of vulnerability and reconnect with emotion and those around me--because that, as was said by my director, would be the difference between my being a great clinician and an exceptional one.  In order for me to be successful here, I would need to take risks--ones that would make me break down in front of a room full of colleagues while also learning that I am okay without needing to produce or hit a certain productivity percentage.  Sure, there are 5 evaluation periods throughout the year (1 more to go!).  But, my goals were centered around authenticity and developing a more interpersonal style as opposed to the more detached and restricted one I had been operating from. 



It's possible that in order for me to engage in the transformation that has occurred over the last 11 months, I had to let go of that part of myself--step out of the shadow.  Only one or two people from my former employer even really talk to me now--and while there are certainly times this bothers me a great deal, I push forward.  I am not the person or clinician I was while there.

I also do not know if that friend and I will ever sit together again.  If so, we will need to get to know each other as we are now and in that moment.

Evolution

I've been thinking about writing for a long time.  Hard to believe nearly a year has past since I last shared my thoughts in this space.  I suppose there are many reasons for this, as I have in some ways become rather reclusive in my private moments.  Yet, as I reflect on the vast number of changes that have occurred over the last 10 or so months dozens of things that went unsaid swirl through my head.

This has been a period of great loss and also a period of tremendous gain, perhaps because of said losses.  In the time since my last post, I have once again learned that love is in fact, conditional and that "I'll always be here for you" is relative.  But, perhaps more importantly because of this I have learned to stand on my own two feet (with God at my side).

I am not the same person I was in July of 2016.  I have since that time, allowed myself to be vulnerable in multiple arenas and pushed myself personally, professionally, and spiritually in ways I did not previously think I was capable.  This journey has not been easy.  There have been countless tears--of grief, anguish, depression, joy, pride, and love along the way.

I have made mistakes.

And come out the other side stronger, wiser, and more wholly myself than I was before.

I have found my voice.

And you will be hearing from me.