color blind rainbows with hang tags

Over the last few weeks and months, I have repeatedly tried to reconcile the violence and division that has been tearing at the fabric of our country through repeated acts of hatred because of differences in race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, and (dis)ability.

And I can't.
And nor should you.

Perhaps it is human nature, to look for someone else to blame and admittedly my preference was to point to a certain presumptive presidential nominee for repeatedly spreading a rhetoric of division and separation.  And yet, it has become increasingly clear to me over the course of the last year that said individual's rise in the political arena is due in large part to the undercurrent of American society.  Is it possible that in our attempts to be politically correct we have merely masked our nation's propensity towards fear and bigotry?  Thereby stifling the very conversations that may have lessened the current level of separation among these groups?

I recently attended a training that was conducted by two best friends, one African American and the other Caucasian as they shared their research and personal experiences of racism over the last 30 years.  And I must admit that I was humbled by my level of oblivion to the continued racial divide in this country--such that at the end of the day, as we went around the room and shared our take-away message--I was tearful in my apology for my own lack of awareness.

Because while it is true, that when I look at a person, I do not see color--this is due in part to the reality that I have always lived in predominately white areas of the country.  A consequence of which is that I have no close friends of color and with those individuals I do know, the discussion of their experiences of racial inequality are not discussed.   However, I have come to understand the concept of "White Privilege" in a new way--in the things I take for granted as normal occurrences (or more accurately those things that do not happen to me because of the color of my skin).

Part of this process of awakening, if you will, has also caused me to look at my life because of the minority groups to which I do belong.  I have and do experience prejudice as a member of the disabled, gay, and Christian communities (particularly due to the clash between the latter two)--and yet, what do I do about this?  Not a whole hell of a lot.  I may sputter about it from time to time to a close and openminded friend, but thus far I have done little in terms of advocacy or activism.  

Due to the disparity between Christian beliefs about homosexuality, I veered away from religion when strongly affiliated with gay culture and then as a Christian, I have shied away from this group in an effort to align more with my faith.  Granted, this has also been paired with adjustments in my understanding of where I fall on the Kinsley Scale as it has moved more towards the middle.  And yet, this remains dialectic that I experience where both can be true.  In an effort to fall within the guise of "correctness" I opt not to discuss one when in the company of the other--makes total sense, right?

And I have done the same with my disability.  I have fought for years to not be seen as disabled and yet have no problem parking in a handicapped spot.  And this was further perpetuated by a lack of acceptance by both sides--not able-bodied enough and yet not disabled enough to fit in with either group.

It has been said that the previously mentioned presumptive presidential nominee is merely "saying what the American people are really thinking".  And sadly, based on the events of the last several weeks, there is likely truth to this.  Said individual has built a campaign based on separation and division, fear, intolerance, and bigotry. 

Where am I going with all of this you may be wondering (and at the moment, so am I...)?  If we are going to stand up for change, we must stand up for ourselves and one another.  We must create an environment in which individuals feel safe sharing their experiences of separation and division, where differences are celebrated and explored--not brushed aside because they make us uncomfortable.  And no, we will not agree on everything--but we must love. We are called to love and love one another 365 times in the Bible--this is not by accident.  Instead of building walls and casting out, the bible calls us to build relationships and be in community with one another--only then will the violence, suffering, and pain cease to exist.

For good

It is perhaps a little known fact that I love musicals.  I still recall the excitement of being in middle school and seeing my first one--and while I have not actually *seen*  all too many, I know several soundtracks by heart.  Though, perhaps my all-time favorite thus far is Wicked.  And it is a song from that musical that sparks my entry for today.

Today marked my 8th anniversary with my current employer.  It is the place I have worked the longest and also the place that I will be leaving in just two weeks.  And while my departure is becoming somewhat amorphous with the opportunity to remain on part time for an undefined amount of time, I am grateful for the countless opportunities that have been afford me there.  

Over the past two weeks, I have spent a little time each day going through my office things and seeing what could be discarded.  Years of files, articles, handouts, training documents--cards from past clients--things that at the time seemed so important to hold onto.  And now, I realize that much of it must stay behind in this place as memories.

I've been reminded through several conversations and instances lately of the fragility of life--that all things eventually come to an end, this side of eternity.  Things and people that once seemed as though they were fixtures eventually are taken down or move on--and as was said today, we are all replaceable.  Interestingly, the person who said this, was the same individual who sadly had to spend the first half of our relationship trying to convince me that to her I was not replaceable.  And yet, today, I was able to matter-of-factly respond--"Yes, I know I am replaceable".  And indeed I am--to an extent.  Yet, there will never be another just like you or just like me...

So yes, eventually there will be someone complete the tasks that I once managed...as it should be, but they will not be me.  I have learned to separate my worth from what it is that I do.

I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.

It is without question, that I am no longer the same person as I was when I started there eight years ago and I have met people who have most certainly changed my life "for the good".



Dear younger me...

I heard this song for the first time about a month ago and from that moment it became one of my new favorites.  On several occasions, I have listened to it on repeat as I drove home.

What would I tell myself?  What would I change?

As the song says "Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life. Or do I go deep and try to change the choices that you'll make cuz they're choices that made me?" 


I can't decide.

But, as I consider the issues still facing the current me--I would say, remember to breathe.  To love.  To not be afraid to let go.  To continually trust that God has you.


"Even though I love this crazy life

Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride"

I am in the midst of a major transition.  About to start over in a new (albeit temporary) place where no one knows me or who I used to be.  And I've come to realize that one of the "problems" with attachment is that it's painful.  No longer can I just walk away and not look back.  So, I have to trust--trust in the relationships that I risked to build.  And I have to let go and let God do His thing.  Things will change.  And it will be as it is supposed to be.

Intimacy vs Isolation

Erikson outlined eight psychosocial stages of development--with a crisis that occurs at each stage the response to which propels us into the next stage.  These crises involve psychological needs of the individual (i.e. psycho) conflicting with the needs of society (i.e. social).  Currently, I find myself in the throws of Intimacy vs. Isolation which ranges from 18-40 with the goal of formulating health loving relationships with others outside of my family of origin.  So, how is this lone singleton doing amongst her sea of partnered and or parenting friends?  It depends.


My shrink and I have had many a conversation about this recently--particularly my decision to prioritized my career and training so haven't had a lot of room left over for the time and emotional commitment required to be part of a couple. Also, the fact that I wanted to take the time to work on the codependency/attachment issues that affect relationships before investing in one--conscious decisions not to engage as opposed to the avoidance and fear of commitment typically associated with Erikson's  description of Isolation.

And yet, there are days that there is still loneliness-particularly as others are busy with the complexities of parenting and family life.  I will often pick up the phone to call one of my friends and realize that it is bedtime for the kid(s) or that their spouse will likely be home soon--so, I rarely complete the call.  Or when requests to get together are frequently met with denials because of other commitments, I begin to question whether I am being needy and should stop asking which I am able to recognize as a remnant of my insecure attachments--because I am "not the gum".  But yes, I will jump at the opportunity when it arises that one of my friends initiates time together and look forward to plans when they are made.

From what I can tell, Erikson did no specify that to be "successful" in this stage, one had to be married/partnered, nor did they have to have children.  Though, that is commonly what is thought of societally.  I have formed and have been able to maintain loving relationships with  others.  I have been blessed with the gift of several life long friendships and have been welcomed into the families of my friends, such that I am referred to as Auntie Kate by their children.  

But does that make it Intimacy of the fringes?  No.  To say that it does, would imply that the love that I have for these individuals or they for me is of less value--it isn't, though it is differently prioritized and rightfully so.

So, we head into Thanksgiving, I am grateful for that love and those relationships which God has given to me.

War Room

I can't sleep. So instead I will write a post. I saw the movie war room recently. It was an excellent movie about the power of prayer and the importance of regular communication with God. It was one of those movies where you laugh and you cry; sometimes within a matter of a few minutes.

The premise of the movie is that there's an older woman who takes a younger woman, with lukewarm face under her wing, and teaches her to trust completely in the power and providence of God through prayer.

As I left the movie I remember thinking, "I need a woman, a prayer warrior, like that in my life". Yet, in that same moment, one of the older ladies from my church commented to me, "we need to be there for others".

So, which is it? Is it that I need a prayer warrior take me under their wing or that I need to be a prayer warrior for someone else? I think the answer is both/and. I do not have a war room with scripture verses and prayers posted on the walls but I do have a deck. It is while sitting on that deck, in the darkness, that I have the most frank and honest conversations with God that I have ever had. It is also in those moments that I turn my troubles over to God and lift up those that to mind, asking for God's grace upon them. There are also times where the words will not come. So the prayer becomes asking God to no the words of my heart that I cannot speak.

Tonight was such a night. My anxiety has been unusually high over the last several days. Similar to how it was a few years ago. There are number of factors that could serve as the precipitant for this heightened anxiety. But, as I sat reciting scripture pertaining to needing not to worry and be anxious that's when it hit me.

Trust. I've been reading a lot about how one's attachment style can influence and be influenced by the relationship with God. While I have made a lot of progress in this area; there's still work to be done. Overall, I tend to border more now on secure with elements of ambivalent attachment. That ambivalence comes out more when under stress.

In the texts that I've read, the authors indicate that in order to develop a secure attachment from an ambivalent style one must assume the best; putting trust in the positive intentions of others. As opposed to jumping in the negative assumption that the relationship is a weak or crumbling. I was listening to a podcast this morning by Andy Stanley that touches on this notion that we all go through periods in life and in our faith where we feel that God is inattentive, uncooperative, or late. I seem to have particular difficulty with these periods given my history. So, as I sat out there in my "war room", I acknowledged that shortcoming. The one that still has difficulty fully embracing God's intention--like John the Baptist who questioned whether Jesus was the One, while he sat in his jail cell.

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at the edge of the world

Whenever I am at the ocean, I always have a sense that I am at the edge of the world. That I am as close to God as I can be in this lifetime. So, it's fitting that this is where I am sitting as I type this.

I just spent the last two days at the NHPA conference at Hampton Beach. My first real venture into the world of a psychologist. I surprised myself, in someways by making the decision to participate--I put aside the thoughts that "I shouldn't be here--I'm just a MA level therapist/student" and was actually able to help one of the seasoned psychologists at my table better understand a concept.

Interestingly, in both sessions I attended, the discussion centered around helping patients sit w/distressing emotions and changing their relationship to those emotions.

Even though, I am have been doing this work with others for years--I still struggle with sitting w/my own distress. While I have made significant progress in this over the last few years as evidenced by reduction in GAD (OCD lite as was discussed today), less avoidance, fewer reassurance compulsions, and less frequent dissociation. I am still a work in progress.

I still have a tendency to numb unwanted or painful emotions, most notably through tattoos. If you ever were to ask me not "why that tattoo" but "what's going on/why now"? You'd get a very different response--assuming I felt safe enough in that moment to tell you. It isn't a coincidence that while each image signifies the promise of new life/rebirth, they have come following a major loss or transition that I was having a difficult time managing.

I've had the "itch" again more recently--we'll see if I do better this time.

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Loving the unloveable

I used to write poetry all the time.  I sat down to write a few times today...but the words would not come. 

Found myself  in a conversation this morning about the challenges of Exodus 20:12, when the command is to love what seems unloveable.  The scars I carry are not visible and they are continually reopened.  There are times in which interactions are without conflict.  And after a few of these, I even begin to develop a sense of hope, that perhaps things are changing. 

And then the other shoe drops.

The harsh words and abuse begin again and I leave feeling broken, weak, and worthless--never enough.  Even if not directed soley at me, those wounds tear open and I am 13 again, even for a moment.

But the truth is, I know that I am not the person that individual believes me to be. And in fact, those angry words are a reflection pain and not the Truth.

It was said last night, "I feel like I don't even have kids" and while it hurt, I understood the feeling.  It is similar to one I've had for years...that I didn't have parents.  And as I drove away, with the conversation swirling in my mind, the term orphan came to mind. 

But, I am not an orphan.  I have a family who loves me, to whom I am enough, just as I am.  And I do have parents--who did the best they could in their brokenness. 

In this discussion, it was suggested I check out askquestions.org.  So, I asked the question "how to honor an abusive parent." I have included the link to the response here if others want to read it. 

We are called to love the unloveable things that broken people do.  And in that love for them, we shine light where there is darkness.