A lot has happened in the last week--so much I'm still not ready to get into it--if I ever will. For now all I can do is wait and see what happens and let fate play it's course. But that doesn't make it any easier.

Is it May yet? I need this semester to be over.

an open letter to a-

I wasn't planning on you. I'd prepared myself for being alone until I moved back to Portland. And then you came into my life and turned everything upside-down. I guess that means it's true what they say--as soon as you stop looking you find what you were looking for. Hopefully I am what you were looking for too.

There's so much more I want to say...but can't. Not without getting too far ahead of myself and possibly saying too much. I still worry that I will push you away, so I hold back. And probably will for a long time. Until I know it's safe. Unitl I know you're in the same place. Which I can only hope that some day you will. And until then, I wait. And hope.

-k

Think and Write--3/18/2007

In college I took this class that started each time with a think and write--a free association of sorts. They used to be written on blank paper--no lines--Kaitlin believed that lines disrupted the flow of thoughts to the page. I have decided to use this jounal as my blank page. There will still be random ventings as such, but the primary goal of this portal out there in cyber space will be for me to just let thoughts flow. Reading and comments will still be welcome of course, but these writings will be for me more than anyone else.

I've been thinking back a great deal over the last few days, on my time at USM. The people I met, who have changed me, for better or worse, and wondering where I would be now if I hadn't met them. Did I impact their lives as they did mine? Granted, not everyone I encountered caused an earth shattering change--or perhaps they did and I have yet to realize this. What do I mean by this? I believe that every person you encounter in life changes you in one way or another--the question is to what extent. Perhaps it is that every person does in fact cause such great change that your life would not have been the same had you not met them. But this I do not know. Instead, I tend to focus on those I know, undoubtedly have shaped who I am today. Ex girlfriends, roommates, classmates, best friends, residents, professors--those to whom I can point and say that I am who I am because of them.

There are a number of individuals who fit into this category, some I speak to regularly, and others I will never speak to again--those that were in my life for a season or a reason. Though, I have also found that there are some whom I thought would be in my life forever, but I have since learned otherwise. This saddened and hurt me at first, but then I came to realize that this is the way it was supposed to be. The way it was written in the stars.

Yes, I am a spiritual person. I believe in fate and destiny. Religious, no...I find organized religion too conformist and biased. I would love to be a fly on the wall as G-d looks down upon us and sees what we have done in her name. Does she regret our creation? Is she saddened by the hatred and ignorance which exists in the name of religion? Clearly we missed the boat somewhere...something got lost in translation. In all of the religious texts and passages I have read--the overwhelming message is that of peace and love. acceptance. Yet, what do we do? Wage war on each other. Figure that one out.

I am not the same person I was when I first sat in "Thinking and Writing", and composed my first think and write. No, I am older now, hopefully wiser. More in tune with my thoughts and emotions--though it is still uncommon for me to push them aside--why do I do this? An excellent question to which I still have yet to have an answer. Perhaps its out of fear. Or a lack of value in my own mind--too busy worrying about others to put any value in myself. It could be any number of things. But perhaps this will change in time. I feel that it already has in some regards, though the process is slow--change is occurring.

I am more willing to put myself out there now, than I was then. In both my thinking and writing as well as outer life, meaning beyond my innermost thoughts and emotions. Though, I still have some trouble with this. A- will ask me what I am thinking, and instead I tell her what I am doing. There is still a bit of a wall there that needs to be taken down. Though, while I know that it is slowly starting to crumble--I am hopeful that she sees this as well. It is new for me to be asked what I am thinking, and not to have the person really care what the answer is. While it has only been little more than a month or so I know that A- has changed me. Forever. Yet this does not scare me. What scares me is just that--that it doesn't. That I am okay with being changed--by someone who has known me for such little time.

In composing this think and write, I cannot help but think of my Honors friends...the old crew--E, M, F, and C. Our lives are very different now, we have all gone off on our own paths, but they will forever be with me on this journey, as I can say with confidence that they, have shaped who I am today--and for that I am grateful. I only hope that our paths will cross again some day--even for a moment.

My grandfather's dying. They moved him into ICU. He has a blood infection and the tumor is starting to affect his breathing. He's on oxygen now. And they've already given him two transfusions.

There's been an awful lot of death for this family in the past year.

enough already.

I'd forgotten what it was like to feel. And I'm not so sure I like it. It's been a while since I have written here, or anywhere, but something tells me this dry spell will be coming to an end. I've been off Paxil since Wednesday. The step from 25mg to 12.5mg, and then from 12.5mg to nothing was much more difficult than I thought--or really let on. I didn't realize how numb the medication had made me--not until it started to all come back.

It started with butterflies. It had been years since I'd felt those. The tears. For no reason at all. I could be driving down the road, think of something, and then be fighting back tears. It's been 3 weeks of this. It's like all of the emotions I've been unable to feel for the last 3+ years are hitting me all at once. It's like a roller coaster ride I can't seem to get off. But at least the motion sickness is gone. That's what it's felt like for the last 4 days. Car sick.

I watched a funeral on TV--as part of one of my favorite shows--and was near tears for the grandparents I've lost in the last year, and for the one I am about to lose. Cancer. All three. They think Grandpa Murphy's tumor is inoperable because of it's size. But he's been to ill for them to run all of the necessary tests.

I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I think it's something you have to have experienced to understand--and I wanted off the medication. It was my decision. Now I have to let it ride out it's course. And hope there aren't any casualties along the way.

I have learned some important lessons though so far. I need to try to have more trust in the things I cannot control. This will be a challenge for me. But if I don't the cost will be far greater than I am willing to pay.

I have also learned that to love, you cannot be selfish in your intensions, and be willing to take risks. Otherwise there is no point. Because even if you get hurt--and you probably will--if you did so unselfishly, then it will still be worth it. And to do so otherwise, defeats the point. I learned this from my person.

Yes, I have a person. We're like Meredith and Cristena--but neither of us are slutty or self serving.

All in all I'd say I have grow a lot since the start of the year--despite the rollercoaster. I'm finally taking control of things in my life, yet letting go of others. And I know, that no matter what happens--at the end of the day, I will be okay.