I'd forgotten what it was like to feel. And I'm not so sure I like it. It's been a while since I have written here, or anywhere, but something tells me this dry spell will be coming to an end. I've been off Paxil since Wednesday. The step from 25mg to 12.5mg, and then from 12.5mg to nothing was much more difficult than I thought--or really let on. I didn't realize how numb the medication had made me--not until it started to all come back.

It started with butterflies. It had been years since I'd felt those. The tears. For no reason at all. I could be driving down the road, think of something, and then be fighting back tears. It's been 3 weeks of this. It's like all of the emotions I've been unable to feel for the last 3+ years are hitting me all at once. It's like a roller coaster ride I can't seem to get off. But at least the motion sickness is gone. That's what it's felt like for the last 4 days. Car sick.

I watched a funeral on TV--as part of one of my favorite shows--and was near tears for the grandparents I've lost in the last year, and for the one I am about to lose. Cancer. All three. They think Grandpa Murphy's tumor is inoperable because of it's size. But he's been to ill for them to run all of the necessary tests.

I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I think it's something you have to have experienced to understand--and I wanted off the medication. It was my decision. Now I have to let it ride out it's course. And hope there aren't any casualties along the way.

I have learned some important lessons though so far. I need to try to have more trust in the things I cannot control. This will be a challenge for me. But if I don't the cost will be far greater than I am willing to pay.

I have also learned that to love, you cannot be selfish in your intensions, and be willing to take risks. Otherwise there is no point. Because even if you get hurt--and you probably will--if you did so unselfishly, then it will still be worth it. And to do so otherwise, defeats the point. I learned this from my person.

Yes, I have a person. We're like Meredith and Cristena--but neither of us are slutty or self serving.

All in all I'd say I have grow a lot since the start of the year--despite the rollercoaster. I'm finally taking control of things in my life, yet letting go of others. And I know, that no matter what happens--at the end of the day, I will be okay.