Think and Write--3/18/2007

In college I took this class that started each time with a think and write--a free association of sorts. They used to be written on blank paper--no lines--Kaitlin believed that lines disrupted the flow of thoughts to the page. I have decided to use this jounal as my blank page. There will still be random ventings as such, but the primary goal of this portal out there in cyber space will be for me to just let thoughts flow. Reading and comments will still be welcome of course, but these writings will be for me more than anyone else.

I've been thinking back a great deal over the last few days, on my time at USM. The people I met, who have changed me, for better or worse, and wondering where I would be now if I hadn't met them. Did I impact their lives as they did mine? Granted, not everyone I encountered caused an earth shattering change--or perhaps they did and I have yet to realize this. What do I mean by this? I believe that every person you encounter in life changes you in one way or another--the question is to what extent. Perhaps it is that every person does in fact cause such great change that your life would not have been the same had you not met them. But this I do not know. Instead, I tend to focus on those I know, undoubtedly have shaped who I am today. Ex girlfriends, roommates, classmates, best friends, residents, professors--those to whom I can point and say that I am who I am because of them.

There are a number of individuals who fit into this category, some I speak to regularly, and others I will never speak to again--those that were in my life for a season or a reason. Though, I have also found that there are some whom I thought would be in my life forever, but I have since learned otherwise. This saddened and hurt me at first, but then I came to realize that this is the way it was supposed to be. The way it was written in the stars.

Yes, I am a spiritual person. I believe in fate and destiny. Religious, no...I find organized religion too conformist and biased. I would love to be a fly on the wall as G-d looks down upon us and sees what we have done in her name. Does she regret our creation? Is she saddened by the hatred and ignorance which exists in the name of religion? Clearly we missed the boat somewhere...something got lost in translation. In all of the religious texts and passages I have read--the overwhelming message is that of peace and love. acceptance. Yet, what do we do? Wage war on each other. Figure that one out.

I am not the same person I was when I first sat in "Thinking and Writing", and composed my first think and write. No, I am older now, hopefully wiser. More in tune with my thoughts and emotions--though it is still uncommon for me to push them aside--why do I do this? An excellent question to which I still have yet to have an answer. Perhaps its out of fear. Or a lack of value in my own mind--too busy worrying about others to put any value in myself. It could be any number of things. But perhaps this will change in time. I feel that it already has in some regards, though the process is slow--change is occurring.

I am more willing to put myself out there now, than I was then. In both my thinking and writing as well as outer life, meaning beyond my innermost thoughts and emotions. Though, I still have some trouble with this. A- will ask me what I am thinking, and instead I tell her what I am doing. There is still a bit of a wall there that needs to be taken down. Though, while I know that it is slowly starting to crumble--I am hopeful that she sees this as well. It is new for me to be asked what I am thinking, and not to have the person really care what the answer is. While it has only been little more than a month or so I know that A- has changed me. Forever. Yet this does not scare me. What scares me is just that--that it doesn't. That I am okay with being changed--by someone who has known me for such little time.

In composing this think and write, I cannot help but think of my Honors friends...the old crew--E, M, F, and C. Our lives are very different now, we have all gone off on our own paths, but they will forever be with me on this journey, as I can say with confidence that they, have shaped who I am today--and for that I am grateful. I only hope that our paths will cross again some day--even for a moment.