The 5th Agreement

So, I finally finished the fifth agreement today--part of me has been putting it off a bit lately.  Can only take so much self-exploration and wandering around in the dark sometimes.  Particularly because there are parts of the book that seem like they were written with me in mind.  I made a few notes on it too.  Things that really stuck out.  Like what sort of language am I speaking...gossip, warrior, or truth.  Probably warrior mostly.  Stuck in the middle of the process of self-awareness.  Further ahead than before.  No longer placing total blame on others and taking a degree of responsibility for myself and the consequences of my actions.

Mostly what I have gotten from the book is the idea of letting go.  Letting go of expectations, perfection...and being at peace with myself, and life as it is.  Coincidentally (though probably not so much), these ideals also seem to relate to the concepts of mindfulness I have been teaching in DBT lately.    Non-judgment, participation, observation, all things that come with becoming at peace with oneself.

Fortunately, I am not alone in this journey--spiraling into and out of my soul.  They say that true friends are the ones that walk in as the rest of the world walks out.  This has been my experience.  Over and over in my life, I have quickly been able to identify those individuals who were meant to walk with me.  Even if only for a short time.  I am forever grateful for their company, support, love, and patience.  The steady hands they extend when I fall, their willingness to brush me off, and keep me moving forward.

Onward we go.

tired thoughts

I'm feeling pretty worn out this week.  I think I'm still recovering from the PA trip.  There's lots of things rolling around in my head, but I don't know if I can put them into words.

Trying to be mindful--

Sitting on the couch, TV on in the background.  Lori and Kate are talking.  I feel a bit anxious. Chest heavy. Legs are sore--ankles really.  Knees.  That makes me think of group tomorrow.  Hopefully everyone comes. I am wanting to get into the groove with it.  My leg just spasmed.  Been doing that lately.  I might be getting sick.  Sometimes I cough and my throat is scratchy.  Could be allergies, right?

It was good to spend time with Jen yesterday.  Fill her in on things.  Get some perspective, validation, support.  Feel like I unloaded a bunch of shit on her.  Still not feeling quite right about it...but she asked some good questions.  Things I am still rolling around in my mind.  Wants vs needs...what is realistic? 

I'm irritated.  They are being crass and filthy.  Just not in the mood for it.  They know it too...joking about it from the other room.  What's my problem, why am I being weird?

Sigh.

Small town America

First off...typing from my phone so I make no promises about punctuation...so to all of my red penned grammar loving readers...might just want to skip this one. ;)

We are in PA for the weekend. Kate's grandfather died on Monday. Today was the wake. Even Kate's aunt and cousin from Alaska flew in for it--he was there with his wife...who no one knew existed. But still easier to swallow for the people paying their respects than Kate introducing me as her partner. Granted Kate's family is used to it and truly does love and accept me--and this is what I am reminding myself repeatedly even as I write this--but we are in small town America here...I saw the faces. Certainly there were those who took it on stride and were fine--but then there were the others. I tried not to let it bother me...practice my teflon mind...but I was tired from the trip, hungry, and already emotionally drained from the week. So I can't say it didn't get to me as the night wore on.

I know that is lack of exposure mixed with religious belief--i can't blame anyone for that. Kate and her mother are quite well known in town...I wonder how this will affect Carol now that the secret is out and I am no longer "Kate's friend from NH".

Tomorrow is a new day. Going to bed now--technically already there (Kate is lightly snoring beside me)--so to be somewhat refreshed for tomorrow. Hopefully lightning doesn't strike when I go up for my reading. ;)

Seriously though, taking my own advice...checking the gremlin, not taking things personally, and being mindful.

God is walking with me in this place and I am loved.

Peace

I am okay

"you aren't okay, are you?"
"No, not really"

Then later...
"you'll be okay"
"I know, I am always okay"

A snapshot of my day, or at least where I was in space and time.  Emotionally I am somewhat drained.  Today is an anniversary of sorts.  It was one year ago today that my brother moved out of my parents' house and never looked back.  There was no hiding anymore.  On the 4th will be one year from the day that my mother and I had that 'discussion in Panera'.

I had contact with my mother today.  It was through text.  Not the best mode of communication, lots to be misconstrued.  But part of my rationale was to have something of a barrier between us...the disconnect would give me time to collect myself and withhold the emotional response.  Why did I engage her? What benefit did I get from it?

I needed a reality check.  I needed to be reminded that I made the right choice one year ago.   Often, I doubt myself, the gremlin attacks.  That ideal of the perfect daughter creeps in and I am consumed by guilt.   In the conversation with my mother, we moved in the same circular conversation that we have throughout the year.  No responsibility.  She apologized already and that should be enough.  And it is incomprehensible to her that things are not okay.

Does it have to be black and white?  Yes, for now it does.  At least until they can take some responsibility and stop blaming everyone but themselves.  There has to be some forward progress on their part before it will be even remotely safe to lower the wall.

I am tired now...eyes barely staying open.  Going to take advantage of the opportunity.  More tomorrow.