I am okay

"you aren't okay, are you?"
"No, not really"

Then later...
"you'll be okay"
"I know, I am always okay"

A snapshot of my day, or at least where I was in space and time.  Emotionally I am somewhat drained.  Today is an anniversary of sorts.  It was one year ago today that my brother moved out of my parents' house and never looked back.  There was no hiding anymore.  On the 4th will be one year from the day that my mother and I had that 'discussion in Panera'.

I had contact with my mother today.  It was through text.  Not the best mode of communication, lots to be misconstrued.  But part of my rationale was to have something of a barrier between us...the disconnect would give me time to collect myself and withhold the emotional response.  Why did I engage her? What benefit did I get from it?

I needed a reality check.  I needed to be reminded that I made the right choice one year ago.   Often, I doubt myself, the gremlin attacks.  That ideal of the perfect daughter creeps in and I am consumed by guilt.   In the conversation with my mother, we moved in the same circular conversation that we have throughout the year.  No responsibility.  She apologized already and that should be enough.  And it is incomprehensible to her that things are not okay.

Does it have to be black and white?  Yes, for now it does.  At least until they can take some responsibility and stop blaming everyone but themselves.  There has to be some forward progress on their part before it will be even remotely safe to lower the wall.

I am tired now...eyes barely staying open.  Going to take advantage of the opportunity.  More tomorrow.