Hide

To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We've all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him


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Never would have pegged myself for a Christian music girl...though, I probably said the same thing about country at one point in my life.  Nevertheless, this song has been on repeat in my CD player for about the last week.  God and I have really had a parent-child relationship--you know as in those ugly adolescent years--full of angst and blame--I rebelled, pushed back against His constant love.  Still sometimes, I feel his presence is not as strong as it once ways.  But I know that its more about my inability to be open to Him than it is His not wanting to be there. 

The first verse is as though it were written with me in mind, or at least how I feel.  I've locked myself away for years at a time; shutting myself off from letting anyone get too close.  Afraid of being discovered, for what I believed I truly was.  Even now, I feel myself more distant, from God, from family, from friends--more detached.  I don't ask for help and when I do, I feel like a burden.  Right now, I feel like a burden.  I've been asking for help, needed for sure, but having difficulty shaking off the feelings.  As result, more in my head--reaching out, but limitedly (pretty much just made up a word there).

Deep down I know I don't have to go it all alone.  I've got people--He sent in some heavy artillery, to remind me.  But I am stubborn. My Daddy taught me well--rely on no one, trust no one, don't let anyone get too close; you will get burned.  I am fighting the Action Urge daily these days, to retreat into my dark little corner of the world, walls up, mask on.  So, I have this song on repeat--stay connected, walls down, trusting.  Daddy doesn't always know best.

I cannot go it alone anymore.
I am good enough.
I am worthy of love.

Shades of Gray

I am not an all or nothing type person.  I may have been when I was younger.  But at this point in my life (listened to that song this morning--SO applicable), not only do I see and appreciate the gray, but need it.  Life is not black and white because people are not black and white.  We often say one thing, and do another.  Not out of any ill will, but more I think from a place of wisdom; once the emotion has subsided and reason can weigh in.

Trust.  What does this mean?  I will not bore you with an actual definition, but more mine.  For me this word--is more of a feeling.  How much of myself, my authentic self, do I put in the hands of another.  I have people in my life, whom I trust implicitly, because they get me, there are those I do not trust much at all, and then there are all of those in between.  Once trust is broken, it is hard to recover, it must be earned --but I believe in second chances.  I would want a second chance if it were me...gray.  So, when boxed into a corner, I default to "I don't know", because well...I don't.  As I said, its about a feeling, not fact.  I have been wrong before, will likely happen again, but that does not mean that it should not happen either--because I could be wrong.

Gain.  What do I hope to gain from relationships?  Sounds so materialistic and self-serving.  I give a lot in relationships with others.  This allows me to connect with people because I am present with them, not looking for how I will profit, or worse lose.  Life doesn't happen on Wall St.  Part of what I "gain" is the relationship itself, the connection with another person, no matter how static it may be.  The level of static has a direct correlation with the amount of trust in the relationship.  Do I know what to expect?  What are the unknowns, the gray?

More later.  Time to get ready for work.

Knowing

Knowing looks and sideways glances
Entire conversations exchanged without a spoken word,
smiles flash across each face--meaning achieved.
A comfort found in silence, not typically held
yet a tension exists in moments of conflict--eyes unmet.
A want, no need--to go deeper, to be whole--
Shrouded in years of fear and failed expectations.
Knee-jerk reaction...pull away, retreat, hide.
False sense of safety in the dark corners of oneself;
Appears all too inviting, calling for a return home.
Yet, further we go out, into the light of the center of the room,
Vulnerable and timidly we stand, waiting for the pain to come again.
A truth that exists, an understanding--there is no going back.
There is accountability here, as the other stands watching, also healing.

Looking in the mirror...

It's been a while since I have written.  Now that means one of two things...either life has been fairly quiet or so full of chaos that I am overwhelmed and retreating into a hole.  Hiding from the world, curled up in the darkness of my little corner.  The latter is probably closer to the truth--however, still not entirely accurate.  Things HAVE been crazy, overwhelming, and uncertain.  But, I have done better this time at not shutting down and building up the walls.  For the most part I have been moving forward, granted there has been resistance from a number of sides--including within--but old habits are hard to break.

I was running a group today and the topic of vanity was brought up in terms of make-up.  "Putting on your face" as my mother would say.  The women in the group echoed this sentiment.  The message is clear, regardless of what is on the inside, conceal it with a bit of cover-up, eye shadow, and lipstick, and go on your way about the world.  We discussed if it is a social construct, modeled by the feminine role models in our lives.  Like mother, like daughter.  However, I used myself as an example of how this is not always the case.  They asked to see a picture of my mother.  Proof.  I obliged (I know...I know).  The wheels were nonstop at this point.  How are we different?  Is that enough?  What would it mean if I found that we were not as different as I would like to think?  Honesty moment...I miss my mother sometimes.  But, that is only natural.  I still look for them in the grocery store, expecting to see one of them coming around the corner.  Part of this, I know is because Mothers' Day is a month away--the stores tell me so.

Also, as Kate and I continue to make changes within our relationship, it makes me wonder about the relationship between my parents.  Who wears the pants in that dynamic?  What faces are they wearing?  Can you really learn to let go of self-consciousness and let the world or even just one person, see you for who you really are?  What if you don't like or know who that person in the mirror actually is?  And if you can no longer recognize the reflection looking back at you?

Many of these are questions without answers.  I am in the process of learning to like that person in the mirror, but in order to do this, I find myself making changes to reflection.

I see you standing there too.