Looking in the mirror...

It's been a while since I have written.  Now that means one of two things...either life has been fairly quiet or so full of chaos that I am overwhelmed and retreating into a hole.  Hiding from the world, curled up in the darkness of my little corner.  The latter is probably closer to the truth--however, still not entirely accurate.  Things HAVE been crazy, overwhelming, and uncertain.  But, I have done better this time at not shutting down and building up the walls.  For the most part I have been moving forward, granted there has been resistance from a number of sides--including within--but old habits are hard to break.

I was running a group today and the topic of vanity was brought up in terms of make-up.  "Putting on your face" as my mother would say.  The women in the group echoed this sentiment.  The message is clear, regardless of what is on the inside, conceal it with a bit of cover-up, eye shadow, and lipstick, and go on your way about the world.  We discussed if it is a social construct, modeled by the feminine role models in our lives.  Like mother, like daughter.  However, I used myself as an example of how this is not always the case.  They asked to see a picture of my mother.  Proof.  I obliged (I know...I know).  The wheels were nonstop at this point.  How are we different?  Is that enough?  What would it mean if I found that we were not as different as I would like to think?  Honesty moment...I miss my mother sometimes.  But, that is only natural.  I still look for them in the grocery store, expecting to see one of them coming around the corner.  Part of this, I know is because Mothers' Day is a month away--the stores tell me so.

Also, as Kate and I continue to make changes within our relationship, it makes me wonder about the relationship between my parents.  Who wears the pants in that dynamic?  What faces are they wearing?  Can you really learn to let go of self-consciousness and let the world or even just one person, see you for who you really are?  What if you don't like or know who that person in the mirror actually is?  And if you can no longer recognize the reflection looking back at you?

Many of these are questions without answers.  I am in the process of learning to like that person in the mirror, but in order to do this, I find myself making changes to reflection.

I see you standing there too.