talking to God

I've had the urge to write for a few days now...probably longer.  Just not the time or perhaps the proper space.  Not positive tonight is much different, but the want is too great.   Lots of random thoughts coming in and out, even as I write these words, my mind races.  But, I am in a good space.  Work is probably the most common inspiration these days, or what someone did to tick me off...which can also include work from time to time.

Today, what has brought me to the page is God (and work).  In group, someone was talking about how prayer in the traditional sense does not work for her.  "So, don't do it that way", I say without hesitation.  And so, it begins...the race of thoughts about how do I pray, do I pray, what is the nature and quality of my relationship with God.

Enter the judgements about what my relationship "should" be, wishing He spoke to me, through me, the way he does others in my life (sometimes I think He is trying to tell me something--like knocking me upside the head).

If there is really no way of redemption and it is in fact, all but for the grace of God--here's to crossing my figures that the Catholics and religious fanatics were wrong!  That I will be in His good graces come judgement day, despite who I love.  Right now, I error on the side of caution...I will attempt to do his will, through my daily work, in hopes that it counts for something in the end. Despite the sins I have amassed in this life.

If I really think about it, God does speak to me--just somewhat indirectly.  He speaks to me through the people he sends into my life, friends, family, even my clients.  My ability to empathize and understand, to truly listen, are gifts which He has bestowed upon me.  He is there in the "ah ha" moments, and the tears.  He is behind the goosebumps and the powerful things that I come up with from time to time, that I have no idea where they came from.

So, yeah...He talks to me.  But not in a way that I can always see...and perhaps its because I am looking to hard, that I do not always find Him in the things I do.  I want the scripture to mean something that right now it does not.  My faith is not as strong as I wish it were.  Sometimes, I find myself jealous (!?) of others, who's faith I perceive as stronger than mine.  Ineffective, I know.  It isn't about God--the issue is mine.  I need to get out of my own way and open myself up, allow Him in.  He's right there, waiting.

I am hopefully that Marjorie will be able to rekindle the spark, lit by Fr Charles before his departure.  I felt energized following yesterday's service.  But it is not up to her, to carry me and my faltering faith.  I have to let go of what ever it is that blocks me from achieving the sort of relationship with God that I would like.  Fear.  Judgement.  Guilt.  Shame.  Avoidance.  Rejection.  Basic lack of acceptance of self.  But I am working on this.  The process is slow.