I realized something today as the HR lady was teasing me for moving yet again...this was the 5th address change since I started working there less than 5 years ago--the 16th since I left my parents home, and 20th in the last 30 years (suddenly it all makes sense to my therapist friends).
I have become a master at bare walls and boxes. An expert in downsizing and disgusting people, places, and things. Granted, a number of the moves were all on the same college campus--but each floor/building was a new environment in which I had to adapt.
I was also never good at maintaining the relationships from the previous residences. Though, there were some that withstood the walls that I erected, as I tried to assimilate into the new walls in which I was surrounded.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, March 18, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
floating
On break from class...going through some old emails, etc (cleaning out). Found this piece I wrote about a year ago...
Two pieces of a larger whole, edges worn and frayed.
Now woven together, new strengths emerge.
A common thread binds two, so seemingly opposite.
Amidst the darkness of each solitary past,
There is new light, with comfort in the shadows.
Where judgement resides, but is not felt.
Old patterns, which no longer fit--
the push and pull of life, driven by fear--
threaten the integrity of the stitching.
Yet, the fibers of the pairing now so intertwined,
the taring apart would be beyond repair.
Together there is comfort in this, a mutual appreciation.
A knowing that maintains the fabric.
===
I need to get my feet back on the ground, practice mindfulness, and re-focus. Sorting out who/what is important and prioritize wants and needs. Demands and expectations (mostly self imposed) have taken quite the toll over the last few months. Anxiety is in full swing--dry heaving in the shower, stomach is a wreck after eating, not sleeping.
Trying to remember to stretch and breathe, making movement towards being able to exercise again. Wish meditation were effective--but amps up the anxiety. May try to write more here (those that have this emailed to you--if you want that to stop, email me back and let me know, I will adjust the setting).
Two pieces of a larger whole, edges worn and frayed.
Now woven together, new strengths emerge.
A common thread binds two, so seemingly opposite.
Amidst the darkness of each solitary past,
There is new light, with comfort in the shadows.
Where judgement resides, but is not felt.
Old patterns, which no longer fit--
the push and pull of life, driven by fear--
threaten the integrity of the stitching.
Yet, the fibers of the pairing now so intertwined,
the taring apart would be beyond repair.
Together there is comfort in this, a mutual appreciation.
A knowing that maintains the fabric.
===
I need to get my feet back on the ground, practice mindfulness, and re-focus. Sorting out who/what is important and prioritize wants and needs. Demands and expectations (mostly self imposed) have taken quite the toll over the last few months. Anxiety is in full swing--dry heaving in the shower, stomach is a wreck after eating, not sleeping.
Trying to remember to stretch and breathe, making movement towards being able to exercise again. Wish meditation were effective--but amps up the anxiety. May try to write more here (those that have this emailed to you--if you want that to stop, email me back and let me know, I will adjust the setting).
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Years ago I was a prolific writer. I was always writing something. The words would just flow from my pen as if divinely inspired (and perhaps they were). These days the words all but have dried up. There will be weeks, even months that go by that I do not write anything. It isn't that the need isn't there...in fact, I would probably be much more effective in my relationships with others, if I did. But, there is a block somewhere--fear of judgement, from self and others. Emotions buried deep inside.
Most of today, I've felt like screaming (not literally), thoughts racing--about what I couldn't even tell you. Running--on overload. I am struggling with opposite action (going against the urge, so to decrease the emotion), but the day's obligations, kept me home. So, I busied myself. And now, I'm writing. I have few "followers" (whether they even read this, I don't know), but that's not the point of the exercise.
I tend to have the urge to write on Sundays, after church-->which leads me back to the notion that it may be divinely inspired. If you look at the majority of my posts--they occur on Sundays.
Monster headache all day too, which has added to my current state of affairs. Bed now. Perhaps more tomorrow.
Most of today, I've felt like screaming (not literally), thoughts racing--about what I couldn't even tell you. Running--on overload. I am struggling with opposite action (going against the urge, so to decrease the emotion), but the day's obligations, kept me home. So, I busied myself. And now, I'm writing. I have few "followers" (whether they even read this, I don't know), but that's not the point of the exercise.
I tend to have the urge to write on Sundays, after church-->which leads me back to the notion that it may be divinely inspired. If you look at the majority of my posts--they occur on Sundays.
Monster headache all day too, which has added to my current state of affairs. Bed now. Perhaps more tomorrow.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Keeping it close
I have a rather unique job. People share with me some of the most intimate details of their lives, yet know almost nothing about me. Occasionally, I will be asked if I have children or if I am married, but that's about it. Granted, aspects of my personality show through...but limitedly. What they don't realize is how their stories effect my own.
Today, I was sitting with someone who has seen and done more in in their life, including die twice, than most people can imagine. But, they come to me because they see themselves as broken. We were talking about how past experiences influence interpersonal relationships--the tendency to be guarded, avoiding the true closeness that they crave so much. They talked about the walls they constructs to keep others out. I asked whether these same walls, that prevent others from getting too close, due to fear of being hurt, are actually also helping to keep the fear in. In tears, the individual called me a vixen, which lightened the mood to allow for deeper exploration.
As the conversation continued, I became more aware of my own walls. The ones that are quickly being reconstructed. I find myself rebuilding--frantically, trying to avoid possible hurts. Driven by fear, I am closing myself off. Yet, in doing so I am also trying to keep those closest to me within the limits of the wall--I know it isn't effective. And I know it isn't working and as result I risk losing the most important relationships in my life.
==
Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand.
Held loosely with an open hand,
the sand remains where it is.
The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on,
the sand trickles through your fingers.
You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled.
A relationship is like that.
Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person,
it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively,
and the relationship slips away and is lost.
--Author Unknown
Today, I was sitting with someone who has seen and done more in in their life, including die twice, than most people can imagine. But, they come to me because they see themselves as broken. We were talking about how past experiences influence interpersonal relationships--the tendency to be guarded, avoiding the true closeness that they crave so much. They talked about the walls they constructs to keep others out. I asked whether these same walls, that prevent others from getting too close, due to fear of being hurt, are actually also helping to keep the fear in. In tears, the individual called me a vixen, which lightened the mood to allow for deeper exploration.
As the conversation continued, I became more aware of my own walls. The ones that are quickly being reconstructed. I find myself rebuilding--frantically, trying to avoid possible hurts. Driven by fear, I am closing myself off. Yet, in doing so I am also trying to keep those closest to me within the limits of the wall--I know it isn't effective. And I know it isn't working and as result I risk losing the most important relationships in my life.
==
Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand.
Held loosely with an open hand,
the sand remains where it is.
The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on,
the sand trickles through your fingers.
You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled.
A relationship is like that.
Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person,
it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively,
and the relationship slips away and is lost.
--Author Unknown
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Thursday, July 19, 2012
I'm doing it again.
I'm not talking. Wall is up, mask on. Shut down mode. Been trying to resist the urge for weeks. But tonight, after dinner with a friend I haven't seen in maybe three months, realized--I suck at this. I am not consistent. I can be a great friend, until I fall off the face of the earth for months at a time. Even with my best friend...sure, I'm around and talking about "stuff", ins and outs of the BS of my life at the moment, but not what I'm thinking or feeling (not sure I even know). Instead, I find distraction in other things...talk about work, car, house, or nothing at all--silence in those times where I actually could talk, coming up with a million reasons as to why "now is not the time".
There is no "time". Truth is, as I said to Kelley tonight, I don't want to weigh people down with what is going on (though there is some good too), with me. I don't want to think about it, even though it's what I do frequently. I feel bad about leaning on those I have recently. And I know they don't mind (as I type this the gremlin in my head went nuts), I am family. I really do know.
There was more I thought I was going to say...but I am hitting the wall. Long day today and likely another one tomorrow.
There is no "time". Truth is, as I said to Kelley tonight, I don't want to weigh people down with what is going on (though there is some good too), with me. I don't want to think about it, even though it's what I do frequently. I feel bad about leaning on those I have recently. And I know they don't mind (as I type this the gremlin in my head went nuts), I am family. I really do know.
There was more I thought I was going to say...but I am hitting the wall. Long day today and likely another one tomorrow.
Monday, May 14, 2012
The Circle Game
As I was getting ready for bed, this song came into my head. It's a song I haven't heard in about 10 years--it was one of my favorite songs we would sing around the campfire at Kettleford when I was a counselor...
Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star
Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like when you're older must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game *
Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town
And they tell him take your time it won't be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game
So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There'll be new dreams maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game
I turned 20 that summer, the last summer I heard this song. I had a very difficult time with that birthday, I recall. Others have trouble with 30 or 40--for me it was 20. Probably because a few years before, I'd told myself I would never make it that far. But, I did. And now, as I approach 30, I find myself reflecting yet again on my life. There have been several unexpected twists and turns, especially in the last year or so. But, I am and will be better for it in the end. The seasons of my life are changing, yet again and while I do not know what lay ahead, I know that I will not be alone in the storm. I have found haven in the people and places I have come to know. I am loved, trusted, and needed; something, the last time I led this song, I could not say for sure.
Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star
Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like when you're older must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game *
Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town
And they tell him take your time it won't be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game
So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There'll be new dreams maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game
I turned 20 that summer, the last summer I heard this song. I had a very difficult time with that birthday, I recall. Others have trouble with 30 or 40--for me it was 20. Probably because a few years before, I'd told myself I would never make it that far. But, I did. And now, as I approach 30, I find myself reflecting yet again on my life. There have been several unexpected twists and turns, especially in the last year or so. But, I am and will be better for it in the end. The seasons of my life are changing, yet again and while I do not know what lay ahead, I know that I will not be alone in the storm. I have found haven in the people and places I have come to know. I am loved, trusted, and needed; something, the last time I led this song, I could not say for sure.
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