Think and Write--April 7, 2007

My head's been spinning for the better part of two weeks and has resulted in something of a mild depression, which I hope to lift soon--as it is impeding on my overall functioning.

My relationship with Amber ended. It was her decision, I had no say in the matter. In hindsight, this parallels much of our relationship--it was almost entirely on her terms. She sighted lack of time as the rationale for the decision, which I can and do partially understand. But, in my experience, relationships take work--and I was willing to put in the effort. Unfortunately, she was not--or so it seems. She said she wanted to be friends, and see where things stood in May--once she'd gotten her life together a bit. Well, I've made a few attempts at friendly conversation with no response. So, I am done. The ball's in her court now--I'm worth fighting for, working for--and if she can't see this, that is her loss. I know there is someone out there who will, I just need to be patient; and I'm not waiting around to see if she changes her mind in May either. If I've met someone else, then I've met someone else...and if I haven't she's going to have to prove that she's willing to put in the time, and that I won't be the first thing to go next time things get tough--because I won't stand for that--not again.

It hurts though, because I really put myself out there for her. I opened up and let her in--maybe it was too quickly, or poorly thought out, but it still happened. And I got burned. While I'm sure it won't be the last time I am hurt by a girl, at least I will know to be more careful in the future.

In the midst of this my grandfather died. The services were this week. It was cancer. The 3rd grandparent in just over a year. I feel almost numb, partially as a result. Yet, there is a side of me that has so many regrets. Each time I see my extended family this happens because I know that I am not being honest with them, with myself, about who I am. But, I cannot seem to find a time to share this part of myself with them--partially out of fear of rejection. I don't want to lose what little sense of family I feel with time over the fact that I am gay--yet, it feels almost like an elephant in the room most times...waiting to be acknowledged. But what will this acknowledgement be like? I often ask myself if they would do to my wedding. But I have no answer to this or even how they would receive my partner. It is a bridge I will cross in time, perhaps once there is a concrete relationship in place.

HH appears to have re-entered my life as of late. While I feel for her struggles, I need to be careful not to be dragged down in the process. I cannot forget how I was treated when we were together, and I still see glimpses of this in her behaviors now. So, I am wary--I'd like for a friendship to be possible perhaps some day in the future, but lots of change must occur for that to become a reality. There are things that I must let go, and behaviors and ways of treating people that she must move beyond. Only time will tell if this is a possibility, for both of us.

The hard part about being the rock that everyone turns to, is when the rock is cracked. People never really know what to do with that. And even though I may be calling because I need to talk, I somehow always let the conversation turn to their concerns. Which normally would be fine--but in times like this, makes me feel almost worse. Because I know I am not really listening to them, at least not the way I could be.

I'm just tired right now. I need a change. And while I know that the end of the semester is coming, there is so much that needs to be done before that. And this summer will also be busy with classes, work, and starting my internship. This next 15mos will be a trying time for me, this I know. But I also know that in the end, it will all be worth it--as I will be able to move into the next phase of my life once I have completed this one.

On a positive note--I now have an internship placement beginning in mid July. I'm very excited about this opportunity and all it has to offer me. While I still have yet to learn exactly what it is I will be doing, at least knowing that I have somewhere to be doing something is a huge weight off my shoulders. I will share more about this as the information becomes available.

Speaking of weight--I seem to have plateaued at -40lbs. But I also have not be very good about sticking to the diet plan. So, this week begins anew. I am going to try to be better at eating right, not picking, and continuing to exercise regularly. I'm also going to be adding a 20min walk to my routine, in hopes that this boosts my metabolism again. I still have at least another 25lbs or so that I would like to lose before my birthday, which will be difficult to acheive at the current rate.

Thank you for listening. This seemed to help.

k

A lot has happened in the last week--so much I'm still not ready to get into it--if I ever will. For now all I can do is wait and see what happens and let fate play it's course. But that doesn't make it any easier.

Is it May yet? I need this semester to be over.

an open letter to a-

I wasn't planning on you. I'd prepared myself for being alone until I moved back to Portland. And then you came into my life and turned everything upside-down. I guess that means it's true what they say--as soon as you stop looking you find what you were looking for. Hopefully I am what you were looking for too.

There's so much more I want to say...but can't. Not without getting too far ahead of myself and possibly saying too much. I still worry that I will push you away, so I hold back. And probably will for a long time. Until I know it's safe. Unitl I know you're in the same place. Which I can only hope that some day you will. And until then, I wait. And hope.

-k

Think and Write--3/18/2007

In college I took this class that started each time with a think and write--a free association of sorts. They used to be written on blank paper--no lines--Kaitlin believed that lines disrupted the flow of thoughts to the page. I have decided to use this jounal as my blank page. There will still be random ventings as such, but the primary goal of this portal out there in cyber space will be for me to just let thoughts flow. Reading and comments will still be welcome of course, but these writings will be for me more than anyone else.

I've been thinking back a great deal over the last few days, on my time at USM. The people I met, who have changed me, for better or worse, and wondering where I would be now if I hadn't met them. Did I impact their lives as they did mine? Granted, not everyone I encountered caused an earth shattering change--or perhaps they did and I have yet to realize this. What do I mean by this? I believe that every person you encounter in life changes you in one way or another--the question is to what extent. Perhaps it is that every person does in fact cause such great change that your life would not have been the same had you not met them. But this I do not know. Instead, I tend to focus on those I know, undoubtedly have shaped who I am today. Ex girlfriends, roommates, classmates, best friends, residents, professors--those to whom I can point and say that I am who I am because of them.

There are a number of individuals who fit into this category, some I speak to regularly, and others I will never speak to again--those that were in my life for a season or a reason. Though, I have also found that there are some whom I thought would be in my life forever, but I have since learned otherwise. This saddened and hurt me at first, but then I came to realize that this is the way it was supposed to be. The way it was written in the stars.

Yes, I am a spiritual person. I believe in fate and destiny. Religious, no...I find organized religion too conformist and biased. I would love to be a fly on the wall as G-d looks down upon us and sees what we have done in her name. Does she regret our creation? Is she saddened by the hatred and ignorance which exists in the name of religion? Clearly we missed the boat somewhere...something got lost in translation. In all of the religious texts and passages I have read--the overwhelming message is that of peace and love. acceptance. Yet, what do we do? Wage war on each other. Figure that one out.

I am not the same person I was when I first sat in "Thinking and Writing", and composed my first think and write. No, I am older now, hopefully wiser. More in tune with my thoughts and emotions--though it is still uncommon for me to push them aside--why do I do this? An excellent question to which I still have yet to have an answer. Perhaps its out of fear. Or a lack of value in my own mind--too busy worrying about others to put any value in myself. It could be any number of things. But perhaps this will change in time. I feel that it already has in some regards, though the process is slow--change is occurring.

I am more willing to put myself out there now, than I was then. In both my thinking and writing as well as outer life, meaning beyond my innermost thoughts and emotions. Though, I still have some trouble with this. A- will ask me what I am thinking, and instead I tell her what I am doing. There is still a bit of a wall there that needs to be taken down. Though, while I know that it is slowly starting to crumble--I am hopeful that she sees this as well. It is new for me to be asked what I am thinking, and not to have the person really care what the answer is. While it has only been little more than a month or so I know that A- has changed me. Forever. Yet this does not scare me. What scares me is just that--that it doesn't. That I am okay with being changed--by someone who has known me for such little time.

In composing this think and write, I cannot help but think of my Honors friends...the old crew--E, M, F, and C. Our lives are very different now, we have all gone off on our own paths, but they will forever be with me on this journey, as I can say with confidence that they, have shaped who I am today--and for that I am grateful. I only hope that our paths will cross again some day--even for a moment.

My grandfather's dying. They moved him into ICU. He has a blood infection and the tumor is starting to affect his breathing. He's on oxygen now. And they've already given him two transfusions.

There's been an awful lot of death for this family in the past year.

enough already.

I'd forgotten what it was like to feel. And I'm not so sure I like it. It's been a while since I have written here, or anywhere, but something tells me this dry spell will be coming to an end. I've been off Paxil since Wednesday. The step from 25mg to 12.5mg, and then from 12.5mg to nothing was much more difficult than I thought--or really let on. I didn't realize how numb the medication had made me--not until it started to all come back.

It started with butterflies. It had been years since I'd felt those. The tears. For no reason at all. I could be driving down the road, think of something, and then be fighting back tears. It's been 3 weeks of this. It's like all of the emotions I've been unable to feel for the last 3+ years are hitting me all at once. It's like a roller coaster ride I can't seem to get off. But at least the motion sickness is gone. That's what it's felt like for the last 4 days. Car sick.

I watched a funeral on TV--as part of one of my favorite shows--and was near tears for the grandparents I've lost in the last year, and for the one I am about to lose. Cancer. All three. They think Grandpa Murphy's tumor is inoperable because of it's size. But he's been to ill for them to run all of the necessary tests.

I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I think it's something you have to have experienced to understand--and I wanted off the medication. It was my decision. Now I have to let it ride out it's course. And hope there aren't any casualties along the way.

I have learned some important lessons though so far. I need to try to have more trust in the things I cannot control. This will be a challenge for me. But if I don't the cost will be far greater than I am willing to pay.

I have also learned that to love, you cannot be selfish in your intensions, and be willing to take risks. Otherwise there is no point. Because even if you get hurt--and you probably will--if you did so unselfishly, then it will still be worth it. And to do so otherwise, defeats the point. I learned this from my person.

Yes, I have a person. We're like Meredith and Cristena--but neither of us are slutty or self serving.

All in all I'd say I have grow a lot since the start of the year--despite the rollercoaster. I'm finally taking control of things in my life, yet letting go of others. And I know, that no matter what happens--at the end of the day, I will be okay.