In session today, Paula turns to me and says, "So, Kate...how do you really feel about the relationship with your parents?" From there, came a series of questions, I do not necessarily have answers to. What am I afraid of? What do I feel that I owe them? What do I miss? What do I not like?
Truth. I have no idea. Talked about the lies, the materialism, forgiveness--of self and them, acceptance. But, are these answers? Not really. Crazy as it is, I can empathize with them. I understand why they did what they did. In fact, I feel badly for them--the sadness of the existence which must have caused them to act the way they did--the lack of authenticity. I need to be mindful of judgement here...I could easily slip into it--but they are who they are--which is what ended the conversation with. Where I am now, is figuring out how to accept these things about them, that I find less desirable because they are not characteristics or behaviors to which I subscribe.
I worry that I will be angry again. I am not angry now. What's done is done, but quickly I feel myself responding emotionally to the random texts, drive-bys (theirs and my own), and chance moments during conversation with others regarding their own parents. But the emotion is not anger. Describe: anxiety--fear of unknown, sadness (?), loss. Progress, I suppose. There is guilt too, flashes of jealousy--towards the people with healthier relationships with their parents. The guilt--well that is two-fold (though equally unjustified), for walking away and for not being good enough...not being the daughter they wanted me to be. I am also afraid that I will not be strong enough in my convictions to uphold the boundaries and skills I have been working so hard to establish.
Why would I falter? Obligation, wanting to please, fear of disappointment--of them, I don't matter. Gremlin, I know....just go with it. The fact that they have disappointment me, holds far less weight, then the fear of "not being good enough"--> not being accepted....er wait, that has already happened.
What do I owe them? Interesting question...there is part of me that says absolutely nothing. And there is this other side, that says...but they are your parents, they raised you. But, what price does that carry? Is that a debt that is ever repayed? They gave me life, but a greater power gave me free will, and a conscious-->that is what I listen to now.
There are more thoughts rolling around that will be processed at another time, in another forum. Bed now.
This is my free association exercise
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
glimmer of hope
I was in the self-checkout at the grocery store, when I overheard a man talking to the woman at the station in front of me about "a z-cut...some thing they do for people with CP". I excused myself for overhearing, but then told the man that I myself had had that procedure done when I was a child. The man, whom I had never met, informed me that he and his wife had just learned that their 4yo daughter was going to need the same procedure, for the same form of CP as I am diagnosed with.
The man, Patrick, thanked me multiple times for talking with him as he asked questions about what I had gone through and I listened to what his daughter, their 3rd of 4 children, was experiencing. He said, after they had received the diagnosis, he and his wife, had gone to the mall to people-watch in hopes of seeing someone who walked they way their daughter did. He said they had never met anyone with CP before.
I spent about 20 mins with the man, in the self-scan at Hannafords. I gave him hope. All because I'd overheard two strangers.
A similar thing happened at church two weeks ago. A young couple was there with their son, likely to also receive the diagnosis, but doctors say it is too early to really tell. I had a similar conversation with them, as I did with the man in the supermarket. Another instance of one stranger helping another.
In both instances, I acknowlegded the barriers, mostly internal, that I have with maintaining my overall health. The issue goes deeper than that though. I seem to be in an odd place right now. I am writing a lot about my CP...there is some sort of internal struggle that I haven't been able to wrap my head around. Perhaps it's because I am having difficulty getting around in ways that previously I had not...at least not for a while. I wonder too how much Kate's participation in derby, something I cannot nor will I be able to engage in fully with her. This is a first for me...something that I cannot seem to find a way around or adapt in a way that it can still be effective. Regardless of what it is...I need to get my head on straight. Perhaps these two instances were a message that it is time to get serious and make the necessary changes.
The man, Patrick, thanked me multiple times for talking with him as he asked questions about what I had gone through and I listened to what his daughter, their 3rd of 4 children, was experiencing. He said, after they had received the diagnosis, he and his wife, had gone to the mall to people-watch in hopes of seeing someone who walked they way their daughter did. He said they had never met anyone with CP before.
I spent about 20 mins with the man, in the self-scan at Hannafords. I gave him hope. All because I'd overheard two strangers.
A similar thing happened at church two weeks ago. A young couple was there with their son, likely to also receive the diagnosis, but doctors say it is too early to really tell. I had a similar conversation with them, as I did with the man in the supermarket. Another instance of one stranger helping another.
In both instances, I acknowlegded the barriers, mostly internal, that I have with maintaining my overall health. The issue goes deeper than that though. I seem to be in an odd place right now. I am writing a lot about my CP...there is some sort of internal struggle that I haven't been able to wrap my head around. Perhaps it's because I am having difficulty getting around in ways that previously I had not...at least not for a while. I wonder too how much Kate's participation in derby, something I cannot nor will I be able to engage in fully with her. This is a first for me...something that I cannot seem to find a way around or adapt in a way that it can still be effective. Regardless of what it is...I need to get my head on straight. Perhaps these two instances were a message that it is time to get serious and make the necessary changes.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Working towards the solution
Friedman says at the core of all is unforgiveness. I can see that...looking at the core issues of myself and those closest to me...lack of forgiveness is certainly in the general vicinity. In chapter three he asks that we list our grievances and attack thoughts, in a effort to make these conscience. So, here goes:
1. The people you live with...
I get upset because I feel that I am not understoodd emotionally. Or why I am I am the way I am--no matter how many times I try to explain it. Says I am too rigid. Too scheduled. I lash out because
I expect that after this amount of time, there would be a level of acceptance. I need order, it's my way of controlling what parts of my life I feel like I can. And the piles drive me crazy. So does being late for everything--both of these I know I get from childhood. Our house was immaculate and my dad made us 30mins late for everything. I know this and am working on it. But I need more patience, more understanding...
2. Someone I work with....
I love my job. But I don't love complacency. I want the people I work with to work as hard as I do, don't just be there for the pay check. I hate the office drama and have started to pull further and further away from those who create it. I don't do clicks and I can do without the rumor mill. I am not a caddy girl. As for my clients, many are great, but others I want to knock up side the head and say, "seriously?!". I have little sympathy for self-pity and laziness.
3. My parents, brother...
I am angry at my parents' materialism. Their need for possessions, for having been bought when things went wrong. For my mother's passivity and yet manipulation and my father's anger and his own resentment. For his addiction, my mother's enabling, and the impact these things had on my life and that of my brother's. For not ever being enough, even though I "could be anything I want".
To my brother for getting away with the things I never could, because he is younger, a boy, and my mother's favorite.
4. Towards myself...
For never feeling good enough. For being "too nice". I need to take better care of my CP, but I don't. My ah-ha moment recently was a lack of acceptance, almost back to denial. If I ignore it, nothing is actually wrong--and I won't have to deal with this for the rest of my life. For listening to my gremlin, even when I know I shouldn't--for not getting out of my own way. I also hold back...I am not always honest with my thoughts and feelings, for fear of judgment and rejection. Lack of authenticity. For compromising that authenticity for the sake of others. For losing sight of myself and my values, my wants and needs.
5. Religious group, nationality, cultural community, etc...
I had to think about this one for a bit before coming up with anything. First, I thought I didn't have anything, but then--The Catholic Church. For reaffirming the negative beliefs I already held about myself...the guilt, shame, rejection. For being so narrow minded in your doctrine, your lack of acceptance of God's creation.
6. And now for God...
God and I have had words on more than one occasion. I wish my faith was stronger, more unwavering. That I had trust in you, the way I "should". I know that it is no coincidence that my two closest friends have tremendous faith...trying to tell me something, I get it. I want answers to questions that can probably not be answered in this lifetime. And I have to learn to be okay with that. My hand is what it is, and I have to play it through...no sense in being angry about it. The challenges I have faced, make me stronger, I do know this...but sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and scream, "WTF?!". But, this is getting fewer and far between...
1. The people you live with...
I get upset because I feel that I am not understoodd emotionally. Or why I am I am the way I am--no matter how many times I try to explain it. Says I am too rigid. Too scheduled. I lash out because
I expect that after this amount of time, there would be a level of acceptance. I need order, it's my way of controlling what parts of my life I feel like I can. And the piles drive me crazy. So does being late for everything--both of these I know I get from childhood. Our house was immaculate and my dad made us 30mins late for everything. I know this and am working on it. But I need more patience, more understanding...
2. Someone I work with....
I love my job. But I don't love complacency. I want the people I work with to work as hard as I do, don't just be there for the pay check. I hate the office drama and have started to pull further and further away from those who create it. I don't do clicks and I can do without the rumor mill. I am not a caddy girl. As for my clients, many are great, but others I want to knock up side the head and say, "seriously?!". I have little sympathy for self-pity and laziness.
3. My parents, brother...
I am angry at my parents' materialism. Their need for possessions, for having been bought when things went wrong. For my mother's passivity and yet manipulation and my father's anger and his own resentment. For his addiction, my mother's enabling, and the impact these things had on my life and that of my brother's. For not ever being enough, even though I "could be anything I want".
To my brother for getting away with the things I never could, because he is younger, a boy, and my mother's favorite.
4. Towards myself...
For never feeling good enough. For being "too nice". I need to take better care of my CP, but I don't. My ah-ha moment recently was a lack of acceptance, almost back to denial. If I ignore it, nothing is actually wrong--and I won't have to deal with this for the rest of my life. For listening to my gremlin, even when I know I shouldn't--for not getting out of my own way. I also hold back...I am not always honest with my thoughts and feelings, for fear of judgment and rejection. Lack of authenticity. For compromising that authenticity for the sake of others. For losing sight of myself and my values, my wants and needs.
5. Religious group, nationality, cultural community, etc...
I had to think about this one for a bit before coming up with anything. First, I thought I didn't have anything, but then--The Catholic Church. For reaffirming the negative beliefs I already held about myself...the guilt, shame, rejection. For being so narrow minded in your doctrine, your lack of acceptance of God's creation.
6. And now for God...
God and I have had words on more than one occasion. I wish my faith was stronger, more unwavering. That I had trust in you, the way I "should". I know that it is no coincidence that my two closest friends have tremendous faith...trying to tell me something, I get it. I want answers to questions that can probably not be answered in this lifetime. And I have to learn to be okay with that. My hand is what it is, and I have to play it through...no sense in being angry about it. The challenges I have faced, make me stronger, I do know this...but sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and scream, "WTF?!". But, this is getting fewer and far between...
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Staring at a blank screen
Sometimes I sit down to write, but then the words don't come. There are things I want to say, perhaps need to say; but I can't--won't, don't know how. I am tired, waiting for Kate to get home from derby. Filled with this heavy sort of feeling.
"you in your head again?"
"a bit"
"be careful in there..."
Truth. Never really been very good about getting out.
Sometimes being in there isn't bad, others it is very dangerous. I figure things out that way, but I also fall susceptible to the gremlin, if not careful.
Thursdays are interesting days for me. The two groups I lead on those days always get the wheels turning. In the morning I was talking about the roles we play and how often we act different ways based on the roles we play. We discussed how this isn't always healthy, particularly if the roles are vastly different from who you truly are. I encourage them to be authentic. To recognize that there is a time and place for everything, but that it is more about showing different sides of the whole, not creating or hiding oneself. Later I was talking about the intensity with which we ask for what we need and refuse the things we cannot do. Setting limits and having needs met. I am not good at either of these things. But am getting better as I continue this transformation. Today I was told, "it's about who you are, not the roles you play", by someone unaware of the earlier conversation, and then I practiced my skills. I asked for something I needed. And it was well received.
Suddenly the screen isn't so blank.
As I become more assertive, more authentic, there are some regrets. But with these, I am trying to acknowledge and move on. No point in dwelling on them...won't change anything. Best I can do is make an agreement with myself that I will try not to allow these things to happen again. It is in these regrets, that the forgiveness comes in. For the other person, but also myself. What are the expectations, mine, theirs, societal?
"you in your head again?"
"a bit"
"be careful in there..."
Truth. Never really been very good about getting out.
Sometimes being in there isn't bad, others it is very dangerous. I figure things out that way, but I also fall susceptible to the gremlin, if not careful.
Thursdays are interesting days for me. The two groups I lead on those days always get the wheels turning. In the morning I was talking about the roles we play and how often we act different ways based on the roles we play. We discussed how this isn't always healthy, particularly if the roles are vastly different from who you truly are. I encourage them to be authentic. To recognize that there is a time and place for everything, but that it is more about showing different sides of the whole, not creating or hiding oneself. Later I was talking about the intensity with which we ask for what we need and refuse the things we cannot do. Setting limits and having needs met. I am not good at either of these things. But am getting better as I continue this transformation. Today I was told, "it's about who you are, not the roles you play", by someone unaware of the earlier conversation, and then I practiced my skills. I asked for something I needed. And it was well received.
Suddenly the screen isn't so blank.
As I become more assertive, more authentic, there are some regrets. But with these, I am trying to acknowledge and move on. No point in dwelling on them...won't change anything. Best I can do is make an agreement with myself that I will try not to allow these things to happen again. It is in these regrets, that the forgiveness comes in. For the other person, but also myself. What are the expectations, mine, theirs, societal?
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
At the core of the matter
My best friend gave me this book to read, The Forgiveness Solution. The intent was two pronged I believe...
1. I said I wanted to do a group on forgiveness
2. I have some work to do
the risks of having a psychologist for a best friend
you have to look at your shit.
There are exercises in the book, some of which I will do here...others, will likely be saved for another location, if written down at all. Before I start on the exercises...I must first state that I have been in my head quite a bit over the last few weeks and not really talking about it. Wonder Woman complex meets guilt and fear of being a burden. I'm looking at my core. I know what's there. I am tiptoeing around it...but even as I look at it, there is judgement. My issue at the core is not as important or big as others, I should just get over it. Embarrassment at the triteness of it compared to what I imagine others to be. Talk about invalidating huh? My core issue is not as important as yours....seriously, WTF. I'll come back to this...
Exercise 1: Who did something in the past year that hurt or harmed you?
CB. I've done some work around this one already. This individual made work difficult, to say the least. Through her actions and words (partially because of her own stuff), I would leave her presence feeling totally inadequate and incompetent. I began to question my ability to do the things I believe I was put here to do. This caused tremendous anxiety and self-doubt, I began to avoid this person, I shut down, questioned everything. Likely more on this later...goes to core.
Exercise 2: Earlier in Life
HG. Loaded situation here. I needed her to be something she couldn't be. I felt betrayed by her. She told my parents--no, my dad. I trusted her, and she pushed me away. Mostly to protect herself I suspect. This was in a time where I had my biological family, and the family I created at school. I had a fatherly figure, and two mothers...her I saw as a big sister. But, unlike the others, she was not comfortable with her role. She taught me a lesson. It still bothers me how that ended and that she might have negative feelings towards me. I've made amends in some ways. As much as I can.
Exercise 3: Yourself
There is a lot here too. We will go with the weight. I am angry with myself for gaining the weight back. For not taking care of myself, for not getting it off. I am working on this, Radical Acceptance. I know the anger is not effective, it only adds fuel to the fire. But it is there. The weight doesn't help the self-esteem, the walking, or overall health. I know what I need to do to get it off, but it's getting off my ass to actually do something about it. The longer it stays, the harder it gets. Stress doesn't help...I'm an emotional eater. After counseling tonight...took everything I had to NOT go through a drive threw.... Vicious cycle really.
We hit on a core issue tonight in counseling. On the surface, it's "Kate doesn't like to talk about sex..." but what it really is, is all of the insecurities, the feelings of "less than", the body issues related to weight and CP, that feeling that people only stick around because they are waiting for something better to come along--and when it does, I will be alone. I don't find myself attractive, nor do I understand why others might...I pick apart everything. Told Kate that I wished I looked more like one of her derby teammates. When I think of myself, the CP isn't in the ideal. I don't see the CP...but the reality is, it is there...labeled, less than. Kate asked in therapy if I lost all the weight again, would that be enough...I'm not sure really, a band aid perhaps--in comes the forgiveness. The letting go...the moving on.
1. I said I wanted to do a group on forgiveness
2. I have some work to do
There are exercises in the book, some of which I will do here...others, will likely be saved for another location, if written down at all. Before I start on the exercises...I must first state that I have been in my head quite a bit over the last few weeks and not really talking about it. Wonder Woman complex meets guilt and fear of being a burden. I'm looking at my core. I know what's there. I am tiptoeing around it...but even as I look at it, there is judgement. My issue at the core is not as important or big as others, I should just get over it. Embarrassment at the triteness of it compared to what I imagine others to be. Talk about invalidating huh? My core issue is not as important as yours....seriously, WTF. I'll come back to this...
Exercise 1: Who did something in the past year that hurt or harmed you?
CB. I've done some work around this one already. This individual made work difficult, to say the least. Through her actions and words (partially because of her own stuff), I would leave her presence feeling totally inadequate and incompetent. I began to question my ability to do the things I believe I was put here to do. This caused tremendous anxiety and self-doubt, I began to avoid this person, I shut down, questioned everything. Likely more on this later...goes to core.
Exercise 2: Earlier in Life
HG. Loaded situation here. I needed her to be something she couldn't be. I felt betrayed by her. She told my parents--no, my dad. I trusted her, and she pushed me away. Mostly to protect herself I suspect. This was in a time where I had my biological family, and the family I created at school. I had a fatherly figure, and two mothers...her I saw as a big sister. But, unlike the others, she was not comfortable with her role. She taught me a lesson. It still bothers me how that ended and that she might have negative feelings towards me. I've made amends in some ways. As much as I can.
Exercise 3: Yourself
There is a lot here too. We will go with the weight. I am angry with myself for gaining the weight back. For not taking care of myself, for not getting it off. I am working on this, Radical Acceptance. I know the anger is not effective, it only adds fuel to the fire. But it is there. The weight doesn't help the self-esteem, the walking, or overall health. I know what I need to do to get it off, but it's getting off my ass to actually do something about it. The longer it stays, the harder it gets. Stress doesn't help...I'm an emotional eater. After counseling tonight...took everything I had to NOT go through a drive threw.... Vicious cycle really.
We hit on a core issue tonight in counseling. On the surface, it's "Kate doesn't like to talk about sex..." but what it really is, is all of the insecurities, the feelings of "less than", the body issues related to weight and CP, that feeling that people only stick around because they are waiting for something better to come along--and when it does, I will be alone. I don't find myself attractive, nor do I understand why others might...I pick apart everything. Told Kate that I wished I looked more like one of her derby teammates. When I think of myself, the CP isn't in the ideal. I don't see the CP...but the reality is, it is there...labeled, less than. Kate asked in therapy if I lost all the weight again, would that be enough...I'm not sure really, a band aid perhaps--in comes the forgiveness. The letting go...the moving on.
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