Friedman says at the core of all is unforgiveness. I can see that...looking at the core issues of myself and those closest to me...lack of forgiveness is certainly in the general vicinity. In chapter three he asks that we list our grievances and attack thoughts, in a effort to make these conscience. So, here goes:
1. The people you live with...
I get upset because I feel that I am not understoodd emotionally. Or why I am I am the way I am--no matter how many times I try to explain it. Says I am too rigid. Too scheduled. I lash out because
I expect that after this amount of time, there would be a level of acceptance. I need order, it's my way of controlling what parts of my life I feel like I can. And the piles drive me crazy. So does being late for everything--both of these I know I get from childhood. Our house was immaculate and my dad made us 30mins late for everything. I know this and am working on it. But I need more patience, more understanding...
2. Someone I work with....
I love my job. But I don't love complacency. I want the people I work with to work as hard as I do, don't just be there for the pay check. I hate the office drama and have started to pull further and further away from those who create it. I don't do clicks and I can do without the rumor mill. I am not a caddy girl. As for my clients, many are great, but others I want to knock up side the head and say, "seriously?!". I have little sympathy for self-pity and laziness.
3. My parents, brother...
I am angry at my parents' materialism. Their need for possessions, for having been bought when things went wrong. For my mother's passivity and yet manipulation and my father's anger and his own resentment. For his addiction, my mother's enabling, and the impact these things had on my life and that of my brother's. For not ever being enough, even though I "could be anything I want".
To my brother for getting away with the things I never could, because he is younger, a boy, and my mother's favorite.
4. Towards myself...
For never feeling good enough. For being "too nice". I need to take better care of my CP, but I don't. My ah-ha moment recently was a lack of acceptance, almost back to denial. If I ignore it, nothing is actually wrong--and I won't have to deal with this for the rest of my life. For listening to my gremlin, even when I know I shouldn't--for not getting out of my own way. I also hold back...I am not always honest with my thoughts and feelings, for fear of judgment and rejection. Lack of authenticity. For compromising that authenticity for the sake of others. For losing sight of myself and my values, my wants and needs.
5. Religious group, nationality, cultural community, etc...
I had to think about this one for a bit before coming up with anything. First, I thought I didn't have anything, but then--The Catholic Church. For reaffirming the negative beliefs I already held about myself...the guilt, shame, rejection. For being so narrow minded in your doctrine, your lack of acceptance of God's creation.
6. And now for God...
God and I have had words on more than one occasion. I wish my faith was stronger, more unwavering. That I had trust in you, the way I "should". I know that it is no coincidence that my two closest friends have tremendous faith...trying to tell me something, I get it. I want answers to questions that can probably not be answered in this lifetime. And I have to learn to be okay with that. My hand is what it is, and I have to play it through...no sense in being angry about it. The challenges I have faced, make me stronger, I do know this...but sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and scream, "WTF?!". But, this is getting fewer and far between...
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