Sometimes I sit down to write, but then the words don't come. There are things I want to say, perhaps need to say; but I can't--won't, don't know how. I am tired, waiting for Kate to get home from derby. Filled with this heavy sort of feeling.
"you in your head again?"
"a bit"
"be careful in there..."
Truth. Never really been very good about getting out.
Sometimes being in there isn't bad, others it is very dangerous. I figure things out that way, but I also fall susceptible to the gremlin, if not careful.
Thursdays are interesting days for me. The two groups I lead on those days always get the wheels turning. In the morning I was talking about the roles we play and how often we act different ways based on the roles we play. We discussed how this isn't always healthy, particularly if the roles are vastly different from who you truly are. I encourage them to be authentic. To recognize that there is a time and place for everything, but that it is more about showing different sides of the whole, not creating or hiding oneself. Later I was talking about the intensity with which we ask for what we need and refuse the things we cannot do. Setting limits and having needs met. I am not good at either of these things. But am getting better as I continue this transformation. Today I was told, "it's about who you are, not the roles you play", by someone unaware of the earlier conversation, and then I practiced my skills. I asked for something I needed. And it was well received.
Suddenly the screen isn't so blank.
As I become more assertive, more authentic, there are some regrets. But with these, I am trying to acknowledge and move on. No point in dwelling on them...won't change anything. Best I can do is make an agreement with myself that I will try not to allow these things to happen again. It is in these regrets, that the forgiveness comes in. For the other person, but also myself. What are the expectations, mine, theirs, societal?
No comments:
Post a Comment