At the core of the matter

My best friend gave me this book to read, The Forgiveness Solution.  The intent was two pronged I believe...

1. I said I wanted to do a group on forgiveness
2.  I have some work to do

the risks of having a psychologist for a best friend
you have to look at your shit.

There are exercises in the book, some of which I will do here...others, will likely be saved for another location, if written down at all.  Before I start on the exercises...I must first state that I have been in my head quite a bit over the last few weeks and not really talking about it.  Wonder Woman complex meets guilt and fear of being a burden.  I'm looking at my core.  I know what's there.  I am tiptoeing around it...but even as I look at it, there is judgement.  My issue at the core is not as important or big as others, I should just get over it.  Embarrassment at the triteness of it compared to what I imagine others to be.  Talk about invalidating huh? My core issue is not as important as yours....seriously, WTF.  I'll come back to this...

Exercise 1:  Who did something in the past year that hurt or harmed you?

CB.  I've done some work around this one already.  This individual made work difficult, to say the least.  Through her actions and words (partially because of her own stuff), I would leave her presence feeling totally inadequate and incompetent.  I began to question my ability to do the things I believe I was put here to do.  This caused tremendous anxiety and self-doubt, I began to avoid this person, I shut down, questioned everything. Likely more on this later...goes to core.


Exercise 2:  Earlier in Life

HG.  Loaded situation here.  I needed her to be something she couldn't be. I felt betrayed by her.  She told my parents--no, my dad.  I trusted her, and she pushed me away.  Mostly to protect herself I suspect.  This was in a time where I had my biological family, and the family I created at school.  I had a fatherly figure, and two mothers...her I saw as a big sister.  But, unlike the others, she was not comfortable with her role.  She taught me a lesson.  It still bothers me how that ended and that she might have negative feelings towards me.  I've made amends in some ways.  As much as I can.

Exercise 3:  Yourself

There is a lot here too.  We will go with the weight.  I am angry with myself for gaining the weight back.  For not taking care of myself, for not getting it off.  I am working on this, Radical Acceptance.  I know the anger is not effective, it only adds fuel to the fire.  But it is there.  The weight doesn't help the self-esteem, the walking, or overall health.  I know what I need to do to get it off, but it's getting off my ass to actually do something about it. The longer it stays, the harder it gets.  Stress doesn't help...I'm an emotional eater.  After counseling tonight...took everything I had to NOT go through a drive threw....  Vicious cycle really.

We hit on a core issue tonight in counseling.  On the surface, it's "Kate doesn't like to talk about sex..."  but what it really is, is all of the insecurities, the feelings of "less than", the body issues related to weight and CP, that feeling that people only stick around because they are waiting for something better to come along--and when it does, I will be alone.  I don't find myself attractive, nor do I understand why others might...I pick apart everything.  Told Kate that I wished I looked more like one of her derby teammates.  When I think of myself, the CP isn't in the ideal.  I don't see the CP...but the reality is, it is there...labeled, less than. Kate asked in therapy if I lost all the weight again, would that be enough...I'm not sure really, a band aid perhaps--in comes the forgiveness.  The letting go...the moving on.