well that was unexpected

In session today, Paula turns to me and says, "So, Kate...how do you really feel about the relationship with your parents?"  From there, came a series of questions, I do not necessarily have answers to.  What am I afraid of?  What do I feel that I owe them?  What do I miss?  What do I not like?

Truth.  I have no idea.  Talked about the lies, the materialism, forgiveness--of self and them, acceptance.  But, are these answers?  Not really.  Crazy as it is, I can empathize with them.  I understand why they did what they did.  In fact, I feel badly for them--the sadness of the existence which must have caused them to act the way they did--the lack of authenticity.  I need to be mindful of judgement here...I could easily slip into it--but they are who they are--which is what ended the conversation with.  Where I am now, is figuring out how to accept these things about them, that I find less desirable because they are not characteristics or behaviors to which I subscribe.

I worry that I will be angry again.  I am not angry now.  What's done is done, but quickly I feel myself responding emotionally to the random texts, drive-bys (theirs and my own), and chance moments during conversation with others regarding their own parents.  But the emotion is not anger.  Describe:  anxiety--fear of unknown, sadness (?), loss.  Progress, I suppose.  There is guilt too, flashes of jealousy--towards the people with healthier relationships with their parents.  The guilt--well that is two-fold (though equally unjustified), for walking away and for not being good enough...not being the daughter they wanted me to be.  I am also afraid that I will not be strong enough in my convictions to uphold the boundaries and skills I have been working so hard to establish.

Why would I falter?  Obligation, wanting to please, fear of disappointment--of them, I don't matter. Gremlin, I know....just go with it.  The fact that they have disappointment me, holds far less weight, then the fear of "not being good enough"--> not being accepted....er wait, that has already happened.

What do I owe them?  Interesting question...there is part of me that says absolutely nothing.  And there is this other side, that says...but they are your parents, they raised you.  But, what price does that carry?  Is that a debt that is ever repayed?  They gave me life, but a greater power gave me free will, and a conscious-->that is what I listen to now.

There are more thoughts rolling around that will be processed at another time, in another forum. Bed now.