I'm doing it again.

I'm not talking.  Wall is up, mask on.  Shut down mode.  Been trying to resist the urge for weeks.  But tonight, after dinner with a friend I haven't seen in maybe three months, realized--I suck at this.  I am not consistent.  I can be a great friend, until I fall off the face of the earth for months at a time.  Even with my best friend...sure, I'm around and talking about "stuff", ins and outs of the BS of my life at the moment, but not what I'm thinking or feeling (not sure I even know).  Instead, I find distraction in other things...talk about work, car, house, or nothing at all--silence in those times where I actually could talk, coming up with a million reasons as to why "now is not the time".

There is no "time".  Truth is, as I said to Kelley tonight, I don't want to weigh people down with what is going on (though there is some good too), with me.  I don't want to think about it, even though it's what I do frequently.  I feel bad about leaning on those I have recently.  And I know they don't mind (as I type this the gremlin in my head went nuts), I am family.  I really do know.

There was more I thought I was going to say...but I am hitting the wall. Long day today and likely another one tomorrow. 

The Circle Game

As I was getting ready for bed, this song came into my head.  It's a song I haven't heard in about 10 years--it was one of my favorite songs we would sing around the campfire at Kettleford when I was a counselor...

Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star

Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like when you're older must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game *

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town
And they tell him take your time it won't be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There'll be new dreams maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

I turned 20 that summer, the last summer I heard this song.  I had a very difficult time with that birthday, I recall.  Others have trouble with 30 or 40--for me it was 20.  Probably because a few years before, I'd told myself I would never make it that far.  But, I did.  And now, as I approach 30, I find myself reflecting yet again on my life.  There have been several unexpected twists and turns, especially in the last year or so.  But, I am and will be better for it in the end.  The seasons of my life are changing, yet again and while I do not know what lay ahead, I know that I will not be alone in the storm.  I have found haven in the people and places I have come to know.  I am loved, trusted, and needed; something, the last time I led this song, I could not say for sure.

small comforts

Yesterday's scripture meditation asks the question, "What is it that you fear most?  What fears do you hear expressed by others?"; fitting.  I have the gift of providing a space where people share their fears on a regular basis. 

["Listening is in short supply in the world today;

people are not used to being listening to"-- Eugene Peterson] 

Hour after hour, I walk with people through the twists and turns of their life, identifying and then challenging their fears--hopefully overcoming them.  There are times we are successful and others where we are not.  I carry those fears with me.  I appreciate and respect this dynamic.  It's a one way street.

The things I fear most stay heavily guarded, in a chamber deep within myself.  Twice within the same hour, one of my fears was stirred but with polar emotions attached.

There is comfort in working with your best friend.  When something exciting happens, she is there to share it with. 

And then, when something sad happens, she is there again.

["How can I lead people into the quiet place beside still

waters if I am in perpetual motion"--Eugene Peterson]

A reminder to slow down, practice mindfulness.  Reconnect with myself, those I am closest to, my faith.

"I knew exactly how she felt. When you're different, sometimes you don't see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the one person who doesn't." -- Change of Heart

The idea for a few different posts have been swirling through my head for the last few days.  But, none seemed like enough to write about fully, perhaps this is the thread.  This quote resonated with me.  I used to avoid situations in which my differences shown through (and sometimes still do).  It would be 90 degrees and I would wear pants, because I rationalized that at least then people couldn't see how my knees turned in....

though, I probably drew more attention for wearing pants in that heat...

I am trying to embrace my differences more these days.  Granted, I am by no means happy with my current level of mobility--I have some things coming up later in the summer which are motivating me to do something about it.  I haven't quite gotten around to stretching, (as I was painfully reminded eariler in the day), but I did ride the bike and participate in an hr of Lenten Boot Camp today, both of which are steps in the right direction.

Three times this week I was told, by different people, in different contexts, that I have an old soul. That I see things in a way that others my age do not.  Gift (or a curse) likely caused by my history.  Perhaps, I (we) have done this all before...this could be the reason while there are some people in our lives that it seems like we have known forever...because perhaps we have.  If not in another life, while waiting for this one to begin. 

The crosses we bear

A table set for quiet reflection

Several times during this morning's service, I thought to myself, "I've got to talk about that later..."  And now 12hrs later, the themes are still rolling around in my mind. I will do my best to make sense of them as concisely as possible.

The first came as part of Marjorie's sermon.  It was a children's sermon about crosses and the message was that we should try to see the world through the cross--to see the world and one another as Jesus does--with compassion and love.

The second, and perhaps more striking moment came during bible study. [note:  I grew up Catholic--there was no such thing as bible study, in fact reading the bible was something you did as a punishment.  Sure, there was lots of religious education (I know a lot about what the Church wanted me to know), but never dialogue and room for interpretation--so, this was all new].  We took various translations of Mark 8:31-38 and compared them, identifying what in each interpretation spoke to us.  Basically, what is being asked of us in this passage, is that you have to give it up to God--He is in "the driver's seat"--as one version put it--and goes on to ask what good is it to have everything in life, but lose your soul?  This made me think of my parents.  The conversation I'd had with my mother earlier in the week.  Authenticity. Materialism. 


We all have crosses to bear, and it is in bearing them with strength,and taking that leap of faith, that He truly is in control, we become closer to God.   Mine are different than yours, yet we find ourselves in the same place, just traveled another path.  Admittedly, I have trouble giving up control.  Perhaps this is part of the reason, I do not feel His presence--I am fighting too hard against Him, my faith is too week.

The photograph shows a candle lit in the center of the table, the candle sits on top of a stone (God is our rock), there are broken pieces of pottery representing the ourselves, broken and worn (scraps of burlap), as we make our way to God.

A return to reason

"It's the way he hates you. It's so...familiar" ... "Maybe he just sees me as I really am." -- Mockingjay

I finally finished this book tonight. My head (as previously mentioned) has been a disaster as of late, so reading has been out of the question--though, probably would have been better, safer, for me. When these waves hit me, they are somewhat similar to the episodes Peeta experiences in the final book. Memories that make him pause, asking, "Real or Not Real".

Sometimes I wonder if it be better to just lock myself away until the wave passes, come out for public appearances, but otherwise cut me off from the rest of the world. No phone, no email, nothing. I cause damage in these times. Upset the balance of things, too caught up in what is Not Real. To do this is not realistic, however. I must learn to bring myself back more quickly. To play the game. Find out what is real--before I become hijacked by my emotions.

Real.
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Knowing vs knowing

My head has been a disaster the last few days.  In a self-loathing kind of mood.  I suppose there are a number of factors surrounding this...hormones, stress, working too much, being overtired, etc.  Regardless of the reasons, I am having great difficulty shaking it off.  My head is heavy with fragments of random thoughts...

Disconnected and distant from the people who mean the most to me.
Overwhelmed and underappreciated.
Frustrated but not feeling justified in why.
Needing to feel grounded.
Wanting to take better care of myself but not having the motivation to do it.

you get the idea.

I Know much of these things are not based in reality.  Knowing, meaning wise mid.  But the problem is that I am so stuck in emotion mind right now, that I am having trouble seeing the truth.  The facts that disprove the fun house thinking going on inside my head.  I am not used to talking about this stuff, aside from with a select one or two people.  I have try to be a better listener than talker.

I am somewhat hopeful that the weather is decent this weekend and I can do to the beach or something.  The waves always soothe me.  Help me find perspective. 

question for God

One of the other blogs I follow, belongs to that of Mr. John Wallace (and if you don't follow him, perhaps you should).  His post from Friday, asks "When you get to heaven, what is the first question you will ask God?"  I have been thinking about this and lots of other things all weekend.  My mind is somewhat cluttered and I feel as though I am being pulled in 100 directions, with really no where to go.  But, more on that in a moment...

There are so many questions I would like to ask if provided the opportunity to do so.  But, for the first?  I will ask if He is pleased.  Did I live my live in the manner in which He intended?  The Sermon and subsequent Youth Group discussion this morning surrounded the notion of being intentional during the Lenten season.  Intentional about our interactions with others, but most importantly with God.  When asked how I planned to observe Lent this year, I responded by saying that my focus was to evaluate the things in my that still need work and put my faith in God that He has a plan for how they will be resolved.

I am restless.  Often feel like I am spinning my wheels. Waiting.  For what? I don't know.  Change of some kind.  This is where I start to grow impatient, wanting to understand the plan.

There are also fragments of other things whirling around--my best friend asked me to write a poem yesterday, so I did.  First one I'd written in months.  Wasn't my best showing, but there are now lines of others swirling around.  But, I am not focused.  I am having a hard time sitting quietly, alone with myself. 

Alone in a room full of people...

Winslow was such a good boy today during the Tastefully Simple party. He stayed out on the deck while guests were tasting the products and greeted everyone appropriately when allowed to come inside (I had the e-collar remote at the ready...). He then settled down onto the rug in the middle of the room, with everyone chatting around him.

Hey Kind Friend

Hey kind friend
I don't know when I'll see you again
On a ferry boat bound to Victoria
Layin' down to hide from the wind

Big dipper hangin' over the city
You know everything now is different for me
And it ain't no use in
Explainin' the scenery

I said, "Kind friend
Help me forget where I been
Kind friend
Remember who I am"

I was too late in Spokane
So I caught a ride through the cascade range
I saw the sun die in Olympia
Runnin' down on Capital lake

Now I ask you for some relief
It's one true root that you bring to me
It's 3 a.m.
And it's good company

I said, "Hey kind friend
Help me forget where I been
Hey kind friend
Help me remember who I am"

Hey kind friend
Don't know if I'm gonna see you again
It's okay friend
It's okay friend
(it's so hard when they all have to face goin' away)

So I'll meet you in New Orleans or I'll see you around
'Cause I don't know if it's worth comin' down
Hey I'm callin' you
From a gold rush town

And I say, "Hey kind friend
Help me forget where I've been
Hey kind friend
Help me remember who I am"

Hey kind friend
I don't know if I'm gonna see you again
It's okay friend
I'm okay friend

I said, "I'm okay friend
I'm okay friend"
(See you later)

--Indigo Girls

Winslow

Telling mommy she works too much.

Personal Prophets

Centering

The curiosity of a child

These images are from Sunday.  I haven't been able to take photos for yesterday or today.  Things have been a bit hectic since these were taken.

Sunday's sermon included discussion of "personal prophets...those within our lives who changed us..."  (Sounds familiar--perhaps Marjorie has been reading my blog?)

Having dessert with Maunie this evening, she told me how proud she is of me and how I have been handling the events of the last year--and the goals and determination I have for the years to follow.  While I thanked her for this, I was also quick to give credit where credit is due.  If not for the support, of my friends and personal prophets, I would not being doing this well, and I know this.  As with Marjorie, who said, "sometimes I hear voices...", I also hear the voices of those individuals I look up to, those who support and comfort me during those more trying times.  I know these people have been sent to me for a reason, perhaps solely to help me through this phase of life, but hopefully for longer. 

Turning the mind

Taken from a cell phone...doesn't do it justice.

Despite a few glitches, here and there, today was a good day.  I had the opportinuty to spend time with a few of my favorite people, all of which occurred over tea--and not at the same time (Jen you lucked out...I couldn't find my cable--or you would have been the subject of my photo today!).

I also had the opportunity to spend some time outside this afternoon.  There was a significant build-up of ice at the bottom of the driveway and along the walkway that needed to be removed, and with the weather as is was today, I went to work on it.

Truthfully, there were moments where as my back started to ache and I could feel the blisters starting on my hands from the pick ax, I was not willingly doing the work.  In fact, there were points that I was rather willful.  I found myself becoming frustrated with the fact that I was outside alone doing the work, when at one point I was told there would be assistance,.  However, before spiraling too fair down into the negativity, I caught myself.  In that moment, I asked for the ability to find it in myself to be grateful--especially for the fact that I was able to do the work.  As I looked up from the ground where my focus had been for sometime, I saw this image.  The rays of the last hour of sun light streaming down and illuminating the flag that hangs on the porch.  I noticed the golden rays receding from the sky and darkness slowly settling in.  And the flag, there as a reminder of the freedoms we all enjoy and so often take for granted.  In that moment I knew that I had gotten what I asked for.

conquering fears

Meet Jarod

Jarod is my "neice's" painted dragon.  He is 4mo old, and will get bigger.  Holding him was an exercise in exposure therapy.  I was in one of my safe places, with my safe people.

I've come to the end of another work week.  There were highs and lows, points at both ends of the spectrum where I said to myself, "why do I do this?!"  I do because it's what I was made to do.  Am I in the place where I will do this work forever?  No, highly unlikely.  But it will do for now.  Being in this place, at this time, has changed my life.  The series of events which led me to this point, has allowed me to come into contact with individuals who have and will continue to have a tremendous impact on my life.

Yet, as much as those I have met changed me, I know that I have also made a mark on many of them as well.  Some of these signs are obvious, others more subtle.  A quote I haven't thought of in years, just came to mind--it was my 7th grade teacher's favorite quote--"Education Is Not the Filling of a Pail, But the Lighting of a Fire"--I think of this, because she too was one of those I credit with having touched my life, and I hers...I still receive Christmas cards from her 15yrs later.  But also because, though I am not in education directly, the work I do IS educational in some way--I help people learn about themselves--as they teach me about who I am.

with two spoons

Lui Lui's
Tollhouse sundae

Dinners with Joan appear to be dangerous.  This photo was taken at the end of a meal with a new (somewhat unlikely) friend. I am the same age as her children, and there are some moments of what I perceive as awkward silence, but it is nice.

Phenomenal Woman

Phenomenal Woman

Fitting.

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size But when I start to tell them, They think I'm telling lies. I say, It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. I walk into a room Just as cool as you please, And to a man, The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees. I say, It's the fire in my eyes, And the flash of my teeth, The swing in my waist, And the joy in my feet. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. Men themselves have wondered What they see in me. They try so much But they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see. I say, It's in the arch of my back, The sun of my smile, The ride of my breasts, The grace of my style. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. Now you understand Just why my head's not bowed. I don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say, It's in the click of my heels, The bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, The need of my care, 'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. Maya Angelou

Very behind...from 1/16

Cape Elizabeth, ME--tuning the Grand Piano

The view while I listened.

These are from last week, when I was in ME.  I had the opportunity to spend time in a beautiful home (mansion) just off the water in Cape Elizabeth.  I'd needed to be by the water that day, below is a picture of the view from the sitting room.








The water always calms me, grounds me as little else can.  Right now I am trying to find my footing.  In some ways retracing my steps. Trying to find myself again.  To figure out where I went wrong, what I missed.  How to keep it from happening again.  I have yet to find answers to these questions, and sometimes I feel as though I am stumping among the roots and uneven ground beneath my feet.

Time to regroup

Sitting by the fireplace with slippers

My day started with these questions, from the pulpit:
Who have been, who are the saints of your life?
Who has called you out saying, “I see greatness in you”?  Who are the voices of reason crying out in your wilderness? God, you get us where we need to go by giving us mentors who say,
“Go and ask”; “Come and see.”  As others challenge, help, inspire us, Lord in your name, and may we do the same. AMEN.

As I listened to the words, the names and faces of the people closest to me started to swirl in my mind.  Those that have inspired and motivated me to be better, in all aspects of my life--professionally, personally, and spiritually.  I am fortunate to be surrounded by so many of these individuals on a regular basis.  Casual aquaintances turned lifelong friends mentors.  Today, I have been able to connect with some of these individuals, some in person and others through phone or text.  These are the people I turn to when wandering in the wilderness of my emotion mind.  These are the ones who ground me, the saints in my life.  These people understand me and see the potential that often I cannot. 

Sometimes I find myself feeling angry at God, for the parts of the plan that I do not understand.  And it seems, each time this happens, I receive a response to bring light to the darkness.  Today, was filled with such a response. The patience of my best friend as I made my way through recesses of the darkened corners of emotion, and now as I regroup by the fireplace of two other long time friends. 

Saturday's photo

 

Taking a time out

 Today's photo comes from the hour I took for myself this afternoon (technically now yesterday afternoon).  About once a month I go for a massage, the monthly membership ensures that I actually go.  Or else, this little piece of self care would also likely go by the wayside like all the others I have tried in the past.

I figured today was a good day for it.  Having to take the GRE this morning, I knew I would be tense once finished and saw this as a bit of a reward.  Tyler, the massage therapist (and no, I don't find it creepy to have a male), commented a few times regarding the increased number of knots he found in my back and shoulders.  Can't imagine why--not like I have any stress in my life!

photo a day 1/13/12

Mondo brownie sundae

I was at dinner tonight with a friend from work.  Recently she was telling me about the 'photo a day' project she is working on.  Each day, she finds something to take a picture of in order to record the events of her day/year.  Last week I was the subject of the day, while over her house for tea.  I liked this idea and thought it would be a good way to use this space and focus on the more positive aspects of my life.  I am surrounded by beauty on a daily basis.  There are often times, I wish I had a camera with me to capture a sunset, snowfall, or moment with friends.  This will give me an excuse to reconnect with this aspect of myself.

This has been a trying year, but each day I am reminded of how truly blessed I am to have the friends and family (blood and adopted) that I do.  Without them, I don't know how I would have fared over these last several months.  

Joan and I shared this dessert at the urging of the waitress (we had originally ordered our own).  It was so large, we were unable to finish it!

revelation

Two thousand and eleven taught me a lot of things.  It showed me that forever, sometimes isn't that long; and other times, it is.  I learned my limit, and where I would never want to be again.  I have laughed until I cried with friends and cried until there were no more tears with those same individuals.  I was reminded that it is important to stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone.  Yet, even when you think you could not be any more alone, you never really are.  The end of two thousand and eleven brought with it both grief and hope for a brighter future.  I found myself in a place I never thought I would be again, with many unknowns laying ahead of me.

I learned some valuable lessons about the beauty of friendship and the meaning of family.  This year showed me just how incredibly fortunate I am, to have the people I do in my life.  Without the love and support of my friends, I would have stayed.  And it would have destroyed me.  But because of them, knowing that I was loved, for who I truly am, I was able to say 'no more'.  I also learned that I am as important to said friends, as they are to me--that we are family.

This past year also brought with it, forgiveness and reconciliation.  The guard is still up for protection and self-preservation.  But the repairative work has begun. Though the progress is slow.

I am evolving. Growing.  Shifting. Awakening.

Staring at a photograph

I've just stumbled across an image, wound torn open yet again. Anger and pain surging through me as I look on. This picture has almost a mirror like quality to it, hard dose of reality associated, which cuts hard and knocks me off my feet.

Hot, fresh tears, leave a stain on the surface of the photograph hoping to serve as a reminder to not be fooled again into thinking "it wasn't so bad"; as we so often do to soften the memory.

----

Just over 12hrs ago, tears stained my cheeks as well. As I stood up to the hypocrisy, that is my situation. Said she understood ["no you don't", I replied," it's not happening to you"], thanked me for being so good about it all, etc.

I go downstairs to use the bathroom to find the situation, yet again, or just about. Selfish.

Yet, I don't know who or what I am more angry at. It is what it is. And I fell for it. Hundreds of times.
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Room by room

At the start of every year (or the end, depending on when you make up your mind) we make resolutions--things we are going to change in the months ahead...Ellen Goodman writes,

"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives … not looking for flaws, but for potential."

I prefer this way of looking at it.

If you had told me a year ago, this would be my life--I probably wouldn't have believed you. 2011 was a year of significant change, all of which has the potential to make me a stronger, wiser, person. Though, I am still reeling from some of it--2012, I am hopeful will be a year of even greater personal growth.

I am cleaning house. Going through and getting rid of the things I don't need and dusting off parts of myself that have been in storage for far too long.

As I go through the rooms, there are times where I stumble across a photograph or a object that triggers a memory. And like a going through that old box in the attic, there is an emotional response. I am working hard to manage these moments.
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