.thinking.

I like walking in the rain.  It allows me to practice mindfulness.  Right now I am thinking about expectations, ideals--I've been told that mine are too high.  That what I am looking for isn't realistic. 

Perhaps.

But does that mean I should stop asking for these things?  Feels like settling.  I don't know if I am ready to do that.  These are the same things I expect of myself, granted I am not always perfect either...but they are things I strive for. 

I am working toward nonjudgment and acceptance.  Not "stringing along until something better comes along".  And there has been progress. 

More later.

I do this.

I write in spurts.  I can come up with a hundred excuses for why this is, but none would matter as much as this...sometimes I don't know what to say.  There is a flaw in this argument though, my mind rarely stops.  In fact, sometimes it is going so fast everything seems like a blur, or appears that there is nothing.  Because really, there are all of the things I leave out.  The words left unsaid, because I have decided that they are not as valuable or worth the trouble to speak.  My friend Karen did a painting once, a self portrait with mouth sewn shut--I feel that way sometimes.

Just reread my last post 8/10/11.  In some ways, I am experiencing the same feeling--wanting to scream, but feeling like no words would come out.  As a kid, I had nightmares about that...I was always being chased by the housekeeper from the Brady bunch throughout my backyard--I was trapped, I would scream for help, but no sound...analyze that one, huh?

I was driving home today, texting with my priest and I looked up from the phone at one point and thought, "I don't feel God in my life".  This saddened me.  It was fleeting, I know He is there...in the work that I do, the people in my life, even in the dog.  But, I remember as a child asking to go to church on Sunday morning.  I was so strong in my faith.  They thought I was going to be a nun (you can laugh, it's okay).  But something happened.  I was hardened somehow, more skeptical.  I miss that innocence.

I miss a lot of things actually.  I have been making a lot of changes in an effort to become more authentic to who I really am (assuming that I even know).  But there are still things missing.  Writing, photography, pottery--artistic outlets. I think that if I tapped into those more, I would not feel as though I am drowning all the time.  "Drowning" sounds pretty negative, as though I am doing worse than I am.  I am okay, moving toward good, but still--there is a void. 

I am restless.  Nothing new really...it's been my tag forever:  rstlssdreamer.  I do wonder sometimes if I will ever be satisfied.  Will it ever be enough.  It, me, anything...

Is the glass half full or empty I ask her as I fill it
She said "it doesn't really matter pretty soon you're bound to spill it"
With the half logic language of the sermon she delivers
And the way she smiles so knowingly at me gives me the shivers
I pull the blankets higher when I'm finally safe at home
And she takes a hundred with her but she always sleeps alone
The girl with the weight of the world in her hands
--excerpt from The Girl with the Weight of the World in Her Hands

I was reminded of this song in group today.  Mirrors how I am feeling today. Yesterday. This week.  I am fighting with myself and the Egoic thinking.  I can't seem to shake the feeling--the weight--I have the urge to write, but as I sit to do it, I find that my mind goes blank.  But not really.  The words just don't seem to come.  I am stuck.  There is part of me that wants to scream.  Jump into an ice bath.  Anything to feel something other than this. I need to wake up, throw the gremlin back into her cage and lose the key.

It's been a long time since I have felt like this, truth is part of me is scared that I won't be able to shake it off.  Granted, I have experienced even greater darkness and have found the light again--but there is still fear.  "Let's get real, Kate...you are going to be on meds for the rest of your life".  This is who I am.  Depressed.  Anxious.  Fearful.  But this is not who I want to be.  Not today...tomorrow...

"We are not built to lead with our emotions like you are...but that doesn't mean we don't have them"--The Adjustment Bureau, the movie that is on as I write this...about our lack of free will over the major decisions in our lives, because when we have that we destroy ourselves.  If that, is in fact true I...you...have little control over what happens to us.  Everything is as it should be.  So, I should feel like this...have the experiences I am having right now.  Radical acceptance right?

numb

Last night I started a post about the masks we wear and different roles we play. I was talking about my middle school drama teacher telling me that if I wanted to pursue it, I had talent.  If she only knew...


Tonight I feel numb.  Truth is, I have felt that way a lot lately.  I am very matter of fact and have been described as cold, detached.  Really what it is, it responding without emotion.  There have been a few times where it would have been totally appropriate to cry, where I'd even wanted to...and it's as though a switch is flipped, and nothing.  Now, I know what you are thinking...fear.  I know, I get it.

I said I no longer have expectations.

What do I want?

I need to come up with specifics.

Where to start? 

How do you quantify emotion?  Respect.  Equality

Tables have turned? This I have heard more than once.

I've shut down.  Tired and emotionally drained.  I need a vacation from my life.

talking to God

I've had the urge to write for a few days now...probably longer.  Just not the time or perhaps the proper space.  Not positive tonight is much different, but the want is too great.   Lots of random thoughts coming in and out, even as I write these words, my mind races.  But, I am in a good space.  Work is probably the most common inspiration these days, or what someone did to tick me off...which can also include work from time to time.

Today, what has brought me to the page is God (and work).  In group, someone was talking about how prayer in the traditional sense does not work for her.  "So, don't do it that way", I say without hesitation.  And so, it begins...the race of thoughts about how do I pray, do I pray, what is the nature and quality of my relationship with God.

Enter the judgements about what my relationship "should" be, wishing He spoke to me, through me, the way he does others in my life (sometimes I think He is trying to tell me something--like knocking me upside the head).

If there is really no way of redemption and it is in fact, all but for the grace of God--here's to crossing my figures that the Catholics and religious fanatics were wrong!  That I will be in His good graces come judgement day, despite who I love.  Right now, I error on the side of caution...I will attempt to do his will, through my daily work, in hopes that it counts for something in the end. Despite the sins I have amassed in this life.

If I really think about it, God does speak to me--just somewhat indirectly.  He speaks to me through the people he sends into my life, friends, family, even my clients.  My ability to empathize and understand, to truly listen, are gifts which He has bestowed upon me.  He is there in the "ah ha" moments, and the tears.  He is behind the goosebumps and the powerful things that I come up with from time to time, that I have no idea where they came from.

...inside the dark...

junior year, i remember my hs english teacher saying to me, "i have seen inside your head--it's dark in there--but its nothing like mine."  i'll never forget it.  he was something of a father figure to me.  i sat in the back of the room in that class.  i always liked it in the back--less attention. 

i didn't do a fabulous job of using my skills today.

i felt myself slipping and didn't really do much about it.  no time really, was sort of on overload.  too many 'things' today.  so the gremlins crept in, and i let them...with their judgments and shoulds in tow.

not good enough....
daughter
partner
friend
employee


i should...
make amends
be honest, expect less
not deserve anything good
be better at [insert negative here]

i know what i needed to do.  but i didn't because i was being stubborn.  my dear man was weak and my intensity did not meet my level of need--because i didn't want to be a burden.  in a way, detaching in preparation for vacation.

there are benefits though of spending time inside my head.  i do figure things out in there.  i need to be better to myself.  listen to my own advise (so good at giving it--not so much at taking it).  forgive myself, like really.

truly participate.

let go of fear.
trust my wise mind.

practice radical acceptance.
learn to love myself.

Creating a life worth living...

I am learning to practice what I preach.
I am learning as much from my DBT group, as they are from me.

I am good with this.

I asked of one group:  what do you need to do to create a life worth living?  This generated good discussion, but also got my wheels turning...

I am a bit reflective as of late...I have a birthday coming up...so the questions about what I have accomplished over the last year are swirling around in my head.  Spending time with Jen last weekend we were talking about the goals we'd set for ourselves to accomplish by 30ish.  Career, home, independence from parents--few lose ends to tie up...both thought we'd be married, families on the way...but all in all doing alright.

But does this constitute a life worth living?  As I think about this question, I am thinking less about the items I can check off my list, the material things.  And more about the relationships--the people in my life, and even those who no longer are.

When we're young...we have our friends forever, the friendship bracelets, the charm necklaces, etc.  But these relationships fade.  Some remain, but not to the degree or with the same meaning as before.  You become more like acquaintances.  See each other maybe a few times a year....Few of the relationships from childhood can withstand the ebbs and flows of growing up. 

But, then there are the relationships we form as adults. Once the growing pains have gone away and all that is left is the truth.  These, for me, are what create a life worth living.  It's the people, not the things, that I have in my life, that provide meaning and comfort.  Purpose.