Finding balance

Today has been an emotional day.  I started out on a high.  Feeling truly grateful for the people closest to me.  God sent in the heavy artillery recently to help me out of the hole I've been in.  Despite my best efforts, I have not been in the greatest shape this year.  And I know this. But things have started to turn around, and for this I am forever grateful.

Then I fell.  It hurt, on multiple levels.  I couldn't get up on my own.  I needed help.  You know how much I hate asking for help.  Talk about a dose of humility. But I stayed positive.  Focused on the day.  Still okay.  Even tried to laugh it off with one of the people who sees me through to the core.  I doubt it worked very well.

The energy from the morning faded as I moved my office.  The move itself isn't the problem.  Right now it's feeling unsettled.  It was hard to leave at the end of the day with things in disarray.  But I did it.  Because it was what needed to be done.  There will be time tomorrow.

Now, I am feeling raw.  A little insecure.  Vulnerable.  I could use a good cry, have felt that way for the last few days...but not necessarily out of sadness or despair the whole time.  In fact, there is nothing wrong as far as I can tell.  Perhaps it was the fall...taking that to a deeper level...

Perhaps some of it was the talk of walls, rubble, and gates.  How am I doing with taking down those walls?  Am I sifting through the rubble like I could be?  And who gets a key to the gate?  Yours? mine?  Do I deserve one?  Should I be allowed to help with the reconstruction?  Gremlin, I know.  But still it's where I am at.

In emotional times like this, it is not uncommon for me to have the highs and lows.  I think it is part of the balance of the universe, positive and negative, ying and yang.  Just wish I was better at slowing the roller coaster a bit.

There is also the fact that one of the ladies at the front desk asks me every day if I went to the gym the night before.  Pisses me off really.  But only because I know that it would be in my best interest if I did.  But, I can't seem to get my head out of my ass to get there.  Part of me says to go now...but if I do, I won't sleep.  I'll try to go in the morning.  She wants me to report back about the interval training.  Truth--I've been avoiding it.  Because it will be hard.  And I am mad at myself for gaining the weight back; for not stretching.  I know it was partly my depression kicking me in the ass over the last year, and partly being comfortable with Kate for the year before that.

Next Tuesday it will be one year since the things with my parents hit the fan.  I know that is weighing in too...where do I go from here? Brings me back to recent questions...does it have to be black and white?  If there is shades of gray, what does that mean?  For me?  For Matthew?  Kate? 

Complicated really.