I'm a little jazzy tonight.  Kate is in the other room talking to Beth about Australia--we leave in six weeks and we have no where to stay.  Breathing.  By the way, did I mention that our stay down under overlaps with Gay Mardi Gras a bit?  CRAZY TOWN.  I am sitting on the couch with Lori--she is playing Red Dead Redemption--stupid cowboy video game.

Oh, and then there was the 5hr energy shot I took at 12...that stuff is AWESOME!  Works way better than coffee...too bad there was only two in my stocking...

Zachariah (the doctoral intern with the six pack--I've seen the picture--and humility) is developing an exercise and diet routine for me.  A combination of intervals and weights.  Something tells me this is gonna hurt!  But only if I follow it...have to though.  I know, I know...heard that one before.

Been thinking a lot about...about what?  Family.  What does it mean for me.  That definition has changed over the years.  It's had to...evolved as I have evolved and events unfolded.  What triggers this tonight?  Lori seeing my father in the grocery store.

This is me:

The Hero Saves the Day

There is one super-responsible child in every dysfunctional family. Usually, it is the oldest child, but if the second child is a girl she may take on the hero role. She takes care of younger siblings, cooks, cleans, shops and manages money and household tasks. The hero often becomes the unwitting confidant of a parent and has few friends her own age. There is much praise and approval from parents and outsiders for heroes. Many people do not understand the inappropriateness and weight of this role for children.
Another form the hero role takes is the super-achiever child, who may excel at sports and is driven to achieve high academic marks. The perfectionism inherent in this role creates problems when an adult child cannot control the lives of everyone around her. She means well, but often her efforts meet with resentment and her own feelings stay buried. Heroes are certain they have to earn the right to be loved, and to be happy. They equate doing enough with being enough. Their strategy to fix the family is to work as hard as they can so the family will look and be better.

Read more at Suite101: Alcoholism and Drug Addiction in the Family: The Four Roles Children Playhttp://www.suite101.com/content/alcoholism-and-drug-addiction-in-the-family-a146678#ixzz1Amg8me60

Or it was.  And I was good at it too. On the outside at least.  Made it all look easy.  But I was miserable.  I am at a turning point again.  I've been in a similar place before--10 years ago.  But there is a difference now.  I have more choices. More resources.  More supports.  But still haunted by the expectations, the recordings, memories, all of it.

But how to break free of it, is part of this process of letting go, surrender, and release.  Spiral.