Cast the first stone...

As kids, we grew up in a seemingly middle-class neighborhood.  The families were mostly intact--from the heteronormative perspective.  A mom, dad, kids--the American dream.  We played outside until the streetlights came on--and everyone knew who's houses had the best snacks, etc.  Most of us were around the same age, or within a few years of one another.  There was kick the can, street hockey, and steal the bacon occurring regularly.   But, there was one house, where my parents discouraged us to play--"Sally's kids" were primarily foster kids.  My brother and I didn't really understand why we weren't supposed to hang around with them--but the message was received.  

Fast forward 25 years.  Now, it's my childhood home and my father that people avoid.  The yard is overgrown and everyone "knows how he is" and why my brother and I do not come around often.  Yet, with my mother's anniversary and my 40th birthday occurring a few weeks back--I felt compelled to check on the house, and in essence him.  So, my partner and I did a drive-by, on my birthday.

The house looks as though it had been abandoned, with the lone inhabitant slowly giving in to his addiction and other ailments.  To say that this shook me is an understatement.  While I could not effectively articulate it at the time, I knew I could not simply leave things as they were.  I reached out to a childhood friend who owns a landscape business in town and inquired as to whether he could clean up the yard and then maintain it.  He agreed.  However, after a few days--I went back myself. 

After a few passes, my father, who currently looks like a 60s hippy with long hair and a headband, opened the door at one point and asked what brought me by.  To which I looked around and said, "well, this" before he closed the door again.  The grass was so long, that the mower kept stalling and eventually seized.  The neighbors across the street, the first to call me when my father goes off the reservation, declined to let me borrow their mower to finish the job.  So, I called a nearby friend, to see if he knew how to get the mower to restart.  Instead, he came to my aide with his electric mower until that battery died. It was then, that a middle-aged man with a bum knee wandered down with his dog.  

It was one of "Sally's kids".  He offered to fix the mower and let me borrow his gas-powered weedwhacker to finish the yard.  He is also going to continue to maintain the yard, as he also mows a few others in the neighborhood.  His kindness, and all of the emotions that had been bottled up for the few weeks prior, came bubbling out once I returned home and could fall apart.  

Those who live in glass houses, should not throw stones...

It's going to take more than thoughts and prayers...

May 21, 1998 - Thurston High School

April 20, 1999 - Columbine High School

May 20, 1999 - Heritage High School (Georgia)

November 19, 1999 - Deming Middle School

December 6, 1999 - Fort Gibson Middle School

February 29, 2000 - Buell Elementary School

May 26, 2000 - Lake Worth Middle School

August 28, 2000 - University of Arkansas (first shooting)

September 26, 2000 - Carter G. Woodson Middle School

December 1, 2000 - Junipero Serra High School

March 5, 2001 - Santana High School

March 7, 2001 - Bishop Neumann High School

March 22, 2001 - Granite Hills High School

March 30, 2001 - Lew Wallace High School

May 16, 2001 - Pacific Lutheran University

January 15, 2002 - Martin Luther King, Jr. High School

January 16, 2002 - Appalachian School of Law

February 20, 2002 - Washington High School

October 7, 2002 - Benjamin Tasker Middle School (D.C. Beltway shootings)

October 28, 2002 - University of Arizona

October 29, 2002 - Lincoln High School

April 14, 2003 - John McDonogh High School

April 24, 2003 - Red Lion Area Junior High School

May 9, 2003 - Case Western Reserve University

September 24, 2003 - Rocori High School

February 2, 2004 - Ballou High School

May 7, 2004 - Randallstown High School

February 8, 2005 - Bowen High School

March 21, 2005 - Red Lake Senior High School

September 13, 2005 - Harlan Community Academy High School

November 8, 2005 - Campbell County High School

January 13, 2006 - Milwee Middle School

February 23, 2006 - Roseburg High School

March 14, 2006 - Pine Middle School

August 24, 2006 - Essex Elementary School

August 30, 2006 - Orange High School

September 2, 2006 - Shepherd University

September 17, 2006 - Duquesne University

September 22, 2006 - Cardozo High School

September 27, 2006 - Platte Canyon High School

September 29, 2006 - Weston High School

October 2, 2006 - West Nickel Mines School

October 9, 2006 - Joplin Memorial Middle School

January 3, 2007 - Henry Foss High School

March 7, 2007 - Compton Centennial High School

April 16, 2007 - Virginia Tech

September 21, 2007 - Delaware State University

October 10, 2007 - Success Tech Academy

November 7, 2007 - Miami Carol City Senior High School

January 23, 2008 - Arkansas State University

February 4, 2008 - Hamilton High School

February 8, 2008 - Louisiana Technical College

February 11, 2008 - Mitchell High School

February 12, 2008 - E.O. Green Junior High School

February 14, 2008 - Northern Illinois University (first shooting)

February 27, 2008 - University of Arkansas (second shooting)

August 14, 2008 - Lakota Middle School

August 21, 2008 - Knoxville Central High School

September 2, 2008 - Willoughby South High School

October 16, 2008 - Henry Ford High School

October 26, 2008 - University of Central Arkansas

November 12, 2008 - Dillard High School

January 9, 2009 - Dunbar High School

April 26, 2009 - Hampton University

May 18, 2009 - Harvard College

May 18, 2009 - Larose-Cut Off Middle School

June 16, 2009 - International Studies Academy

September 3, 2009 - Skyline College

February 5, 2010 - Discovery Middle School

February 12, 2010 - University of Alabama

February 19, 2010 - Northern Illinois University (second shooting)

February 23, 2010 - Deer Creek Middle School

March 9, 2010 - Ohio State University

May 11, 2010 - West Bladen High School

September 8, 2010 - Mumford High School

September 28, 2010 - University of Texas

October 1, 2010 - Alisal High School

October 8, 2010 - Kelly Elementary School

November 29, 2010 - Marinette High School

December 6, 2010 - Aurora Central High School

January 5, 2011 - Millard South High School

March 25, 2011 - Martinsville West Middle School

March 31, 2011 - Worthing High School

April 19, 2011 - Ross Elementary School

May 23, 2011 - Highlands Intermediate School

August 19, 2011 - Albany State University (first shooting)

September 28, 2011 - Patriot High School

October 25, 2011 - Cape Fear High School

December 8, 2011 - Radford University

December 9, 2011 - Harwell Middle School

January 10, 2012 - North Forest High School

February 23, 2012 - Armin Jahr Elementary School

February 27, 2012 - Chardon High School

March 6, 2012 - Episcopal School of Jacksonville

April 2, 2012 - Oikos University

August 16, 2012 - Hamilton High School

August 27, 2012 - Perry Hall School

September 7, 2012 - Normal Community High School

October 6, 2012 - University of South Alabama

October 19, 2012 - Banner Academy South

October 31, 2012 - University of Southern California

December 14, 2012 - Sandy Hook Elementary School

January 8, 2013 - Apostolic Revival Center Christian School

January 10, 2013 - Taft Union High School

January 12, 2013 - Osborn High School

January 15, 2013 - Stevens Institute of Business and Arts

January 15, 2013 - Hazard Community and Technical College

January 16, 2013 - Chicago State University

January 22, 2013 - Lone Star College-North

January 31, 2013 - Cesar Chavez High School (first shooting)

January 31, 2013 - Price Middle School

March 18, 2013 - University of Central Florida

April 12, 2013 - New River Community College

April 16, 2013 - Grambling State University (first shooting)

April 18, 2013 - Massachusetts Institute of Technology (Marathon bomber attempted escape)

May 14, 2013 - Ossie Ware Mitchell Middle School

June 7, 2013 - Santa Monica College

August 20, 2013 - Ronald E. McNair Discovery Academy

August 22, 2013 - Westside Elementary School

August 23, 2013 - North Panola High School

August 30, 2013 - Carver High School

October 4, 2013 - Agape Christian Academy

October 21, 2013 - Sparks Middle School

November 2, 2013 - North Carolina A&T State University

November 3, 2013 - Stephenson High School

November 13, 2013 - Brashear High School

December 4, 2013 - West Orange High School

December 13, 2013 - Arapahoe High School

December 19, 2013 - Edison High School

January 9, 2014 - Liberty Technology Magnet High School

January 13, 2014 - Hillhouse High School

January 14, 2014 - Berrendo Middle School

January 17, 2014 - Delaware Valley Charter School

January 20, 2014 - Widener University

January 21, 2014 - Purdue University

January 24, 2014 - South Carolina State University

January 25, 2014 - Los Angeles Valley College

January 27, 2014 - Rebound High School

January 28, 2014 - Tennessee State University

January 30, 2014 - Eastern Florida State College

January 31, 2014 - North High School

February 10, 2014 - Salisbury High School

February 10, 2014 - Charles F. Brush High School

February 12, 2014 - University of Southern California

February 22, 2014 - Georgia Regents University

March 25, 2014 - Benjamin Banneker High School

April 9, 2014 - D. H. Conley High School

April 11, 2014 - East English Village Preparatory Academy

May 4, 2014 - Paine College (first shooting)

May 5, 2014 - Paine College (second shooting)

May 8, 2014 - Georgia Gwinnett College

May 14, 2014 - John F. Kennedy High School

June 5, 2014 - Seattle Pacific University

June 10, 2014 - Reynolds High School

September 9, 2014 - Stellar Leadership Academy

September 11, 2014 - Westbrook Elementary School

September 27, 2014 - Indiana State University

September 30, 2014 - Albemarle High School

September 30, 2014 - Fern Creek Traditional High School

October 3, 2014 - Langston Hughes High School

October 24, 2014 - Marysville Pilchuck High School

November 20, 2014 - Florida State University

November 20, 2014 - Miami Carol City High School

December 5, 2014 - Rogers State University

December 12, 2014 - Rosemary Anderson High School

January 15, 2015 - Wisconsin Lutheran High School

February 4, 2015 - Frederick High School

February 14, 2015 - Tenaya Middle School

February 23, 2015 - Bethune-Cookman University

March 30, 2015 - Pershing Elementary School

April 13, 2015 - Wayne Community College

April 16, 2015 - J.B. Martin Middle School

May 12, 2015 - Duval County Schools bus

May 24, 2015 - Southwestern Classical Academy

August 27, 2015 - Savannah State University

September 3, 2015 - Sacramento City College

September 30, 2015 - Harrisburg High School

October 1, 2015 - Umpqua Community College

October 9, 2015 - Northern Arizona University

October 9, 2015 - Texas Southern University

October 22, 2015 - Tennessee State University

November 1, 2015 - Winston-Salem State University

November 20, 2015 - Mojave High School

January 22, 2016 - Lawrence Central High School

January 29, 2016 - Franklin High School

February 9, 2016 - Muskegon Heights High School

February 12, 2016 - Independence High School

February 29, 2016 - Madison High School

April 23, 2016 - Antigo High School

June 1, 2016 - University of California Los Angeles

June 8, 2016 - Jeremiah Burke High School

September 9, 2016 - Alpine High School

September 28, 2016 - Townville Elementary School

October 11, 2016 - Vigor High School

October 13, 2016 - Linden McKinley STEM Academy

October 18, 2016 - June Jordan High School for Equity

October 25, 2016 - Union Middle School

December 1, 2016 - Mueller Park Junior High School

January 20, 2017 - West Liberty-Salem High School

January 20, 2017 - University of Washington

March 21, 2017 - King City High School

April 10, 2017 - North Park Elementary School

May 4, 2017 - North Lake College

June 14, 2017 - Warren Elementary School

September 13, 2017 - Freeman High School

September 20, 2017 - Mattoon High School

November 13, 2017 - Albany State University (second shooting)

November 14, 2017 - Rancho Tehama Elementary School

December 7, 2017 - Aztec High School

January 10, 2018 - Grayson College

January 20, 2018 - Wake Forest University

January 22, 2018 - Italy High School

January 22, 2018 - NET Charter High School

January 23, 2018 - Marshall County High School

February 1, 2018 - Sal Castro Middle School

February 5, 2018 - Oxon Hill High School

February 9, 2018 - Pearl-Cohn High School

February 14, 2018 - Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School (Parkland, Florida)

February 24, 2018 - Savannah State University (first shooting)

February 27, 2018 - Mississippi Valley State University

February 27, 2018 - Norfolk State University

March 2, 2018 - Central Michigan University

March 7, 2018 - Huffman High School

March 7, 2018 - Jackson State University

March 8, 2018 - University of South Alabama

March 9, 2018 - Frederick Douglass High School

March 13, 2018 - Seaside High School (first shooting)

March 20, 2018 - Great Mills High School

April 12, 2018 - South Middle School

April 20, 2018 - Forest High School

May 11, 2018 - Highland High School

May 16, 2018 - Dixon High School

May 18, 2018 - Santa Fe High School

May 18, 2018 - Perry Learning Center at Mount Zion High School

May 25, 2018 - Noblesville West Middle School

August 4, 2018 - Edgewood High School

August 17, 2018 - Palm Beach Central High School

August 30, 2018 - Balboa High School

September 5, 2018 - Providence Career & Technical Academy

September 10, 2018 - Fairley High School bus

September 11, 2018 - Canyon Springs High School

October 29, 2018 - David W. Butler High School

December 13, 2018 - Dennis Intermediate School

January 2, 2019 - Snyder High School

January 3, 2019 - Florida International University

January 4, 2019 - Mississippi University for Women

January 7, 2019 - Central Elementary School

January 11, 2019 - Cascade Middle School

January 19, 2019 - Lakewood Middle School

January 25, 2019 - Davidson High School

January 30, 2019 - Prairie View A & M University

January 31, 2019 - Manassas High School

January 31, 2019 - Atascocita High School

February 8, 2019 - Frederick Douglass High School

February 11, 2019 - Seaside High School (second shooting)

February 12, 2019 - Central Academy of Excellence

February 14, 2019 - Cleveland High School

February 17, 2019 - Eaglecrest High School

February 26, 2019 - Robert E. Lee High School

February 28, 2019 - Cheyenne South High School

March 7, 2019 - Grambling State University (second shooting)

March 22, 2019 - Blountsville Elementary School

March 27, 2019 - Holmes County Schools bus

April 1, 2019 - Prescott High School

April 25, 2019 - College of the Mainland

April 25, 2019 - Wynbrooke Elementary School

April 30, 2019 - University of North Carolina Charlotte

May 4, 2019 - Lane Community College

May 6, 2019 - Summerfield Elementary School bus

May 7, 2019 - STEM School Highlands Ranch

May 7, 2019 - Savannah State University (second shooting)

May 8, 2019 - Second Chance High School

May 17, 2019 - Raines High School

June 21, 2019 - Carman-Ainsworth High School

July 2, 2019 - Williwaw Elementary School

July 19, 2019 - Monroe Clark Middle School

August 8, 2019 - Blount Elementary School

August 27, 2019 - Hollenbeck Middle School

August 30, 2019 - Central Catholic High School

August 31, 2019 - Ladd-Peebles Stadium, LeFlor & Williamson Hugh Schools

September 6, 2019 - Jeanette High School

September 13, 2019 - Todd Stadium, Woodside & Denbigh High Schools

September 14, 2019 - Eastern Hills High School

September 20, 2019 - Marcus Memorial Stadium, Imhotep Institute Charter & Mastery Gratz High Schools

September 27, 2019 - De Anza & Pinole Valley High Schools

October 13, 2019 - Tennessee State University

October 22, 2019 - Ridgway High School

November 11, 2019 - Reginald F. Lewis High School

November 14, 2019 - Saugus High School

November 15, 2019 - Pleasantville High School

November 23, 2019 - Searles Elementary School

November 26, 2019 - Sarah J. Anderson Elementary School

December 2, 2019 - Waukesha South High School

December 3, 2019 - Oshkosh High School

December 16, 2019 - Catholic Academy of New Haven

December 19, 2019 - Lely High School

January 8, 2020 - Glades Central High School

January 11, 2020 - South Oak Cliff & Kimball High Schools

January 14, 2020 - Bellaire High School

January 14, 2020 - North Crowley High School

January 23, 2020 - McAuliffe Elementary School

January 31, 2020 - Deer Valley High School

February 3, 2020 - Texas A&M University Commerce

February 4, 2020 - Louisiana Culinary Institute

March 5, 2020 - Sagemount School

March 11, 2020 - Shenango Area School District bus

March 15, 2020 - Atascocita High School (second shooting)

July 29, 2020 - Collinsville High School

September 16, 2020 - Sonora High School

September 16, 2020 - Western Illinois University

Oxford High School

September 19, 2020 - Krouzian-Zekarian-Vasbouragan Armenian School

December 17, 2020 - University of Alabama at Birmingham

February 26, 2021 - George Washington Carver High School

March 1, 2021 - Watson Chapel Junior High School

March 8, 2021 - Edwards Elementary School

April 12, 2021 - Austin-East High School

April 26, 2021 - Plymouth Middle School

April 27, 2021 - Smyrna Middle School

May 6, 2021 - Rigby Middle School

August 13, 2021 - Washington Middle School

August 18, 2021 - Orangeburg-Wilkinson High School

August 27, 2021 - Freedom High School

August 27, 2021 - Academy Park High School

August 27, 2021 - New Hanover High School

September 1, 2021 - Mount Tabor High School

September 4, 2021 - Towson University

September 20, 2021 - Heritage High School (Virginia)

September 21, 2021 - Wichita East High School

September 30, 2021 - Cummings Elementary School

September 30, 2021 - Newton Elementary School

October 1, 2021 - YES Prep Southwest School

October 6, 2021 - Mansfield Timberview High School

October 12, 2021 - Wendell Phillips Academy High School

October 13, 2021 - Grambling State University (third shooting)

October 17, 2021 - Grambling State University (fourth shooting)

November 1, 2021 - Rosa Scott School

November 19, 2021 - Hinkley High School

November 26, 2021 - Westmont High School

November 29, 2021 - Cesar Chavez High School (second shooting)

November 30, 2021 - Oxford High School

November 30, 2021 - Humboldt High School

December 6, 2021 - Wilmington Park Elementary School

December 8, 2021 - Ewing Marion Kauffman School

January 4, 2022 - Auburn High School

January 9, 2022 - Chowan University

January 11, 2022 - Valley High School

January 19, 2022 - Seminole High School

January 19, 2022 - Oliver Citywide Academy

January 21, 2022 - Colonel Zadok Magruder High School

January 29, 2022 - Beloit Memorial High School

February 1, 2022 - South Education Center

February 1, 2022 - Bridgewater College

February 8, 2022 - Catonsville High School

February 9, 2022 - Minneapolis Public Schools bus

March 4, 2022 - Olathe East High School

March 7, 2022 - East High School (Des Moines)

March 31, 2022 - Tanglewood Middle School

April 5, 2022 - Erie High School

April 22, 2022 - Edmund Burke School & University of the District of Columbia

May 9, 2022 - Gwinnett County Schools bus

May 17, 2022 - Walt Disney Magnet School

May 24, 2022 - Robb Elementary School

And if you are like me--you didn't know about even 1/2 of the events on this list. Why? Because the deaths were not significant enough to make national news. Yes, let that sink in....the BODY COUNT was not high enough for the majority of Americans to hear about it in the 24hr news cycle. Now, before I lose all of you--this is not going to be an all-out rant about sweeping gun control legislation (though, I do think we need that). I want this to be a thoughtful conversation about the systemic nature of this uniquely American problem.

Let me begin by saying a few things for context:

• I am an educator--I work in both a public k-3 school AND a University (so, yeah...I could end up among the dead any day now)
• I have dedicated my professional life to providing care to those with mental illnesses
• I am a gun owner--yes, you read that right. I own a handgun, for which I have received extensive training, and practice, and have ensured its proper storage.

And yes, I do believe we need to look at gun legislation--I do not believe that the 2nd Amendment was meant to arm us with AR-15s and AK-47s--I believe these should be reserved for our military only, and believe it is unfortunate that even THEY need that level of arsenal.

However, I believe the issue to be MUCH larger than gun control. We need to look at the systemic issues within our country that have led to these instances. Whether it is a need for greater mental health services, or resources for those 18-21 who feel disenfranchised by their lack of opportunity, institutional racism, etc--these occurrences are disproportionally being conducted by young Caucasian men--so, what's going on? Theoretically, these individuals are at the top of the systemic/racial pyramid--is it that they feel threatened at the loss of white, cis-male privilege? If this is the case, would that not be an argument to end CRT and provide opportunities for individuals to develop an understanding of social justice, diversity, equity, and inclusion?

Yet, if all we can manage are our thoughts and prayers--let us not forget the shooter--and that they find peace from whatever torment and hatred that caused them to act in such violent ways. There is always focus on the victims--yet arguably, the shooter is a victim too--of a system that failed them and enabled them to feel that level of disenfranchisement--that did not recognize that they were struggling or without a sense of community and purpose beyond what led them to do something so unthinkable. Lest we not forget that THEY were also children who somehow got lost along the way.

I also cannot help but think that the number of school/community shootings is somehow linked to some of the legislative actions being taken by the minority--those looking to limit the rights of women, LGBTQ, and other minorities, and ensure that cis white evangelical males (who are the minority across the board) remain in control.

I have grown up in the age of Columbine, Matthew Shepard, George Floyd, and the threat to Roe v Wade, and I will tell you--this is not an America I would want to raise children in--and will work tirelessly to make safer for my "nieces and nephews". We need change and we needed it 20yrs ago with the first few lives taken too soon. We must address the issues that LEAD to these shootings--because let's face it, the guns do NOT fire themselves, while we also look at legislation to limit the sort of guns available to civilians.

In THIS America I am denied basic rights in 29 of the 50 states--and nearly 50% of the population is at risk of losing their right to reproductive freedom (with NO consequence or responsibility to the other 50% equality responsible, I might add...). More often than not, when asked how I am doing these days, I respond with this--"living the dream, it seems more like a dystopian novel most days, but I can't seem to wake up".

Folks, when are we going to wake up?

Port in the Storm

 Written for a friend's wedding, 5/14/22

The journey to this place, where the ocean, sky, and rivers meet,

Has not been one for the faint of heart.

Prior storms wreaked havoc, 

Eroding away the belief of what was possible.

 

Yet, in our meeting, blew in a restoring sense of peace, previously thought lost.  

In a moment we knew home lay in the solace of our embrace.

Our love is like the ocean, its depths unknown;

A strength in the calmness, yet in awe of its power.

 

The depths of our connection,

With so many knots yet to be explored—

So much beauty to be discovered.

In this previously uncharted territory.

 

There is serenity in this embrace,

Allowing for this next chapter,

To reach the darkest corners of the soul.

The caverns of the ocean floor, no other has yet to explore.

 

Today as we stand before those nearest to our hearts-

Sand between our toes-we offer ourselves up

Like the tides, to ebb and flow as one.

 

May we face the coming storms as a united front,

Fortified in our love and ever-deepening connection.

Such that when the sands of time run out,

We will know our ship was well chartered and our voyage complete.

ALICE in Wonderland

As many of you know, I have been working in schools for the past five years as a school psychologist.  I started out in grades 5-12, then 9-12, and for the past two years have worked part-time in pre-k thru 3.  While I never thought I would work with children as I went through my doctoral program (one of my former profs turned work bestie can attest); I don't regret a single day of it.  And now I can't imagine NOT working with them, at least in some capacity.

Now, working in a school is not easy--especially in the midst of a global pandemic (with rising cases locally/statewide--hello CDC just said NH is one of the worst per capita), debates over CRT, and school shootings.  Gone are the days of playing outside with the neighbors until the streetlights come on, riding bikes unsupervised to the corner store for candy and chips, and even sleepovers for many because the things that defined the childhoods of the previous generations have been shown to be unsafe.    

Enter ALICE.

Alert. Lockdown. Inform. Counter. Evacuate. 

I have spent the last week listening as my counterparts, first-grade teachers, explain what to do in the event of an intruder and/or school shooting.  Their 6-7yo charges look up at them with serious eyes and masks covering the lower parts of their tiny faces.  Timely, given that in the midst of these preparations, 4 more lives were lost in a Michigan school.  In a school, where one of my best friend's cousin's child attends. The wonderland and innocence of childhood are hanging on by a thread for America's youth.

I remember the first school shooting. Columbine in 1999.  I was a sophomore in HS. Since then there have been upwards of 300 school shootings and over 300 deaths.  Now, it's easy to say that we need more gun control--and perhaps we do--I have a hard time wrapping my head around why everyday civilians need warlike weaponry, but this is not the problem.  This technology, while advancing predates the first instance of school violence.  Guns are a symptom of the underlying problem--not THE problem.  And I suspect many of you are surprised to hear me say this--given my strongly left-leaning ways.  I say this as a Xennial who has come of age during this epidemic and someone who has dedicated their life and career to working in the mental health and education fields.

Now, do I believe we as a society need greater accountability?  Yes. Yes, I do. I believe in background checks, appropriate safety precautions (gun locks, safes, perhaps limits on magazine sizes).  But we also have to look at the WHY.  What is happening in the lives of these children to push them to act in this way?  And how do we help them?  We can blame social media, certainly.  I do believe it is a contributing factor.  I was able to leave the bullies at school when I went home for the day--the kids today face the potential for 24/7 subjection to their antagonists and the social pressures of growing up in this digital age.  And I can attest that the mental health of our youth IS in a decline.  But, the issue is bigger.  

Take a look around--we are more polarized than we have been in decades.  The civil discourse around differences of opinion is almost taboo.  Our mental health care system is at a breaking point with access to services for youth booking out 5-6 months for an initial appointment with a therapist.  School Counselors, Social Workers, and Psychologists are all critical shortage areas and caseloads are only getting larger and more complex.  Our society and our youth are hurting. Do you want to reduce the number of school shootings?  We need to start there.  Funding mental health in schools and within our communities, looking at the influence of social media, technology, and working parents, on the well-being of our kids and ourselves.  These things that were meant to bring us closer together, seem to have in effect, pushed us further apart.  What conversations are you having with your kids, your friends/family, around diversity, equity, and inclusion?  Are you talking about how to celebrate the things that make us unique or are you forging greater divisiveness and hostility?

And with that.  Our ALICE drill is about to start.

Looking in the rear view

And here we are.  The last Monday of 2020...I had an appointment with my nutritionist this morning--yes, I have one of those now--and will for the rest of my life.  She commented, that I have had a good year.  And in many ways, I have.  At least in terms of my physical health--and despite the grief, this year has brought...my emotional wellbeing too.

January 1, 2021--will mark the one-year anniversary of my decision to enter a weight and wellness program.  I was on my way to visit my mother in the geropsych unit, where she had been admitted on Christmas Eve--and I got winded walking from the handicapped spot at the entrance of the hospital to the front door.  It was at that moment, as I sat on the bench catching my breath inside the hospital entrance that I decided, I had had enough.  I was tired of living the way I had been.  I called my insurance company the next day and formally entered the program three weeks later.  

As I entered the hospital last month for my procedure, I looked back at that bench--and noted how much progress I had already made in taking control of my health.  And today, I had a follow-up appointment it was documented that I have already lost 53% of my excess weight...something that typically takes 6 months to achieve. I don't state this for the accolades or praise from anyone reading...but, for a memorial--for me.  To remember how far I have come in this past year.  

The first also marks the 6th month anniversary of my mother's death--something that I think about every day.  Yet, I feel her presence more now than I did even when I could pick up the phone and call her.  She has been with me every step of this journey--despite never knowing the promise I had made to myself on that bench a year ago. Losing my mother has been one of the greatest challenges of my life.  People would say that losing a parent--especially your mother-- changes you...and now I understand what they meant. I am not the person I was before this loss.

2020 has also taught me the beauty and power of true connection and vulnerability.  Despite the pandemic...I have laughed (and cried) more when my friends--that chosen family--than I ever have before. I have an incredible tribe of powerful, strong, absolutely beautiful women (and a few men, too 😊) who I love and love me fiercely.  This is a gift for which I am eternally grateful.  They have shown up, lifted me up, and sometimes literally picked me up--in ways I can never repay. Yet, know I do not have to...because, for the first time in my life, I no longer feel the need for performance-based acceptance. I am enough.  Just as I am.

And because it makes total sense to change jobs/careers in the midst of a global pandemic--we added that to the list of things to do in 2020.  Shifting from full-time school psych and adjunct to core faculty and part-time school psych has proven to be another amazing opportunity for me to step more fully into the person I was meant to be.  Given the latitude to address issues of social justice and equity issues in my courses (thanks, Angie)--I suddenly had a platform to challenge perceptions and biases--in myself, my students, and now colleagues.  One such pivotal moment coming just a few weeks ago, when I guest lectured in a course taught by one of the faculty who had interviewed me years ago for the EdD program.  It was in that conversation, that she acknowledged her own moment of bias--the question that had crossed her mind about whether I would have the capability to complete doctoral study given my disability.  While I tried not to skip a beat and thanked her for that admission, I find myself still reflecting on it over two weeks later. 😲 😥. 

Was I angry with her?  No...sadly, it is something I have always faced--note my earlier discussion of performance-based acceptance.  I have always felt that I had to prove or "earn" my worth or value--that I was good enough due to my disability, gender, sexual orientation, because I am me...

Yet, this year I learned that the only thing holding me back was me--so, I stopped.  I started pushing myself and taking risks.  Being vulnerable and real--opening myself up to love and connection in ways that feed my soul. And thank God for my tribe.  Do I still stumble? Get in my head? And sometimes worry about what "the world" thinks? Hell yes. But, I know there is no going back...there will be a 2x4 heading my way if I try.

I am creating my own peace.  May you find yours in the year ahead.  And know that I will walk with you as you have walked with me.

That Last Goodbye

That last voicemail--

I should never have deleted.

What I would give now to play again.

Just to hear your voice.

Or the look on your face, when I walked in the room--

To have taken a picture 

so I could hold onto that joy.

Your laughter how it carried throughout the room,

thinking of it now brings a teary smile to my face.

The pedicures, trips to the diner, and just out for coffee--just cream.

Those moments, now only memories.

The recipes that were never written down,

And stories soon to be forgotten--

I promise to hold on to them as long as I can.

And I will never forget--

Christmas Eve, it was always your favorite.

Hor-doeuvres and holiday music...

Just that one present to open.

Your excitement almost too much to contain.

I am sorry for all the ones I wasn't there.

The missed opportunities for connection.

It's just around the corner--and I know--

You made sure I wouldn't be alone.

So many things I would have said, done--

Had I known that when I hugged you that day

It would be for the last time. 

I would have held on a bit longer,

Squeezed a bit tighter;

In that last goodbye. 

Hello

Walking in, not knowing what would be in-store. 

With the first hello, an instant connection.

The depths of which, yet to unfold.

Settling into one another's souls;

as though old friends, who had come home.

 

To the exes

Rarely, we say thank you 

To the ones that touched—

Nearly broke

and deeply hurt to the core.  

Through those loves lost—

anguish and broken hearts.  

Friends and lovers gone;

I’m becoming 

The best version of myself. 

To My Teachers

You shared the common wisdom 

Of stories passed down year after year, 

To a new generation. 

Did you know the lies you told?

Of a history from the perspective of the victor—

the oppressor.

Or were you a victim too?

Awakening

My eyes are seeing the world anew; its underbelly.

as though born into a darkness,  of which I was unaware.

I cannot go back to the way things were before;

Before the awakening.

My Tribe

Scattered across many lands,
Looks and thoughts, not always in kind.
There is a thread that binds.
Time and years do not wear
on the strength of this connection.

Our journeys differ,
We walk different paths--
for weeks, months, even years.
Yet, there as if yesterday,
When the time comes.

When the collective needed,
To bolster and support.
For me--a cornerstone for others.
I sound the rally cry.
Surrounded.  My tribe.

---For Alison.

#twoblindbrothers #shopblind

Yesterday

Living in memories of times long gone,
Conversations become circular.
As I cling onto what is left of today.
In a place strange yet oddly familiar,
I find myself.  Not knowing the day.
I will not remember your call,
But somewhere in the recesses of a mind,
betraying me--I will know it hasn't been long.

Often scared and confused, I find myself.
I talk of home, often across generations.
Be patient with me, as you detangle these threads.
Someday, they will be all that remains.
As I slip more and more into yesterday.

You are my memory now; my legacy.
Carry me with you, always.
Remember the things that I cannot,
And continue to share your stories.
Until I fade away.

Post Mortem

Young and broken,

You had me believe.

Dependent solely on you.

Groomed to suite your needs.

Needing to be needed, 

I clung to your intermitted praise.

Afraid of life without you.

A love unconditional,

Until it was.

Growing and maturing.

Voice growing steadier,

The conflicts began. 

The balance of power,

No longer always yours.

Hot and cold, to keep me guessing.

Eggshells I no longer cared to walk on,

Were cracking beneath my feet.

The foundation was crumbling,

and the end drawing near.

There were conditions.

I knew.

I jumped.

In the darkness, a glimmer.

I turn to face the day.

That shame I carried, was not mine.

Those chains no longer bind me.

New life, I am finding alone.

Wearing many hats--Ethical dilemmas in education

I had a really rough few days a few weeks ago.  So much so, that I left early because I knew the mental space I was in would not be helpful in my role (I was also not feeling well, so this further compounded the issue).  Fortunately, there have not been many of these instances since I transitioned into the position I have now...but, this one threw me for a loop.

I take the confidentiality of my students and clients very seriously.  Having worked for 10yrs in the community mental health system as an LCMHC, I encountered countless instances of individuals who engaged in Non-Suicidal Self Injurious Behavior (NSSIB) and have become very familiar with suicide risk and screening (to the point that I offer 6hr trainings on the subject).  And in truth because of this high level of exposure, I may be more willing to take on the risk than others, yet it was rare that I ever notified anyone of the behavior aside from documenting it in the clinical note.  Yet, now being in the school environment, I learned the hard lesson that this is not the typical practice.  I had a student engage in NSSIB for the first time a few days prior and this information found its way to the administration.  The school social worker (also a reformed CMHC employee) and I met with the student and determined that there was no imminent risk--the grounds by which we can break confidentiality under our respective licenses (LCMHC and LICSW).  However, our principal was clear that we needed to call home albeit understanding of our ethical disagreement. However, the distinction being that we now both work for a school district...so we needed to consider the ethical guidelines that are associated with our roles not just our licenses which added a layer of complexity neither of us had considered.  In trying to wrap my brain around this notion, I reached out to my professional list serve/former professors and received multiple responses that in fact I did need to call--here is one such reply:

When I read your ethical question, and saw all of the letter after your name, I recognized that you may have several sets of professional responsibilities that you may interact with, some of which may not line up neatly with each other.   Given that, I am only answering this question from the perspective of the professional duties of School Psychologist, via the NASP Standards.     

I saw that you mentioned that the student ‘s NSSI does not place the student in a risk of imminent harm.  Even if the student is not in an imminent risk from the NSSI, it is a symptom of chronic illnesses, which the parent is entitled to know about, so they can make decisions about the student’s healthcare, as well as necessary counseling interventions.  Further the School Psych has a general duty to include parents in discussions about the student’s progress and counseling needs.  See NASP Standard II.3.10 (Below).   

 “Standard II.3.10 School psychologists encourage and promote parental participation in designing interventions for their children. When appropriate, this includes linking interventions between the school and the home, tailoring parental involvement to the skills of the family, and helping parents gain the skills needed to help their children. N School psychologists discuss with parents the recommendations and plans for assisting their children. This discussion takes into account the ethnic/cultural values of the family and includes alternatives that may be available. Subsequent recommendations for program changes or additional services are discussed with parents, including any alternatives that may be available. N Parents are informed of sources of support available at school and in the community” 

Intellectually, I get it...I have to practice within the ethical guidelines and these err on the side of caution and district liability.  But, it still gives me an icky feeling. Some of this is residual from the perspective of previous clinical practice and some is from the reality that if students think I will call home on everything--they won't talk to me or access the support that may get them the assistance they need. This is not to say that I think I should be the only one kids go to or that I can "fix" it all...but, in terms of creating a safe space for the individual to be real with what is going on....and we can talk about the pros/cons of talking with parents--ideally, having the student be the one to do so.

The following evening in one of the courses I teach, a student (who happened to see my post on the listserve as he is a school psych in another district) brought up my ethical dilemma and one of his own pertaining to assessment and learning that a student is under the influence of substances at the time of the evaluation.  This generated a lively discussion about a number of issues related to how school psychologists and school counselors navigate these situations.

I am fortunate to work for the district I do--my principal understood my concern and we came up with a way to call home without going into detail.  He was comfortable with my speaking in generalities about needing support beyond the school--so, in the end I felt okay with how this situation was resolved and am walking away with a renewed appreciation for the ethical quagmire.

think on such things

There are many times where a thought will come to mind, and I think to myself "I should write about that later".  Then later comes; and I forget.  So, I thought I would start an entry just as a means of jotting some of those ideas down--with a goal of fleshing them out (or not) at a later time.

Things I think about:

Ethical dilemmas in education
Civil Rights and Liberties
Beginnings, endings, and everything in between
Writing a book/publishing articles
When there is "nothing" left to strive for
The unseen aspects of domestic violence
Weight/disability issues
Travel
Creating a sense of home
A life of singleness

I am considering setting a challenge of a post a week for these topics over the summer.  Are there other topics others would like to hear from me on?

Coming out from the fog

I always struggle with what to name the subjects of these posts, but more so I also will often think to write and don't because I get tired of feeling like I am complaining.  I have even considered deleting the blog all together.  And yet today, I opted to write--regardless of who is reading (or not). In hopes of reconnecting with the part of myself that was an avid reader and writer.

Since February vacation (one month ago), I have read (listened) to 4 books...books that were for me--not for a class or anything else.  This is beyond the reading I do for work related things.  And I have loved it.  I can't wait for the next book in the series to be released (no idea when that will be) and am totally open to recommendations for more.

I know part of this upswing is due to some of the major changes I have implemented recently to put life back on track and returning to me.

I have learned so much through this most recent chapter; lessons I don't know I could have truly appreciated any other way.

Sometimes "unconditional love" has conditions
Never compromise your values for someone else
Doing what is right is not always what is easy
True friends really are the ones you can call at 2am (or 11:45pm in this instance)

I am beyond blessed to have the people in my life that I do...I have a village who give more to me than I can ever express--and I can only hope I give back to in kind.

There are more that are currently harder to articulate, but may come out in time.  Excited to move into my house on the lake next weekend--this one is for good.

Took a wrong turn somewhere

So many times since my last entry I have thought about posting here...but, it didn't work out for a variety of reasons.  There has been many changes since my last post.  Some less obvious than others.  And words do not flow as smoothly as they once did--but this is an attempt at reconnecting with a form that was once helpful to me.

There are days I feel like I am drowning and others content--and a range in between.  Work is one of the places where I feel most effective in my life right now, but even as I sit here now...today is an off day (it is rainy and cold and been a long week).  I am cranky today and my compassion reserves are limited (not ideal for a shrink).  But, I am human.

I find myself often filled with excitement yet dread as I am nearing the final stages of the licensure process as a psychologist.  I also feel stuck more often than not in a life that is not what I envisioned for myself unsure of what to do next and searching.

For what?  I don't know...fulfillment, I guess.  To feel whole.  I have learned that these things do not come from acts or others but from within...so that is progress.  And I am becoming increasingly disinterested in people or situations that deplete me without giving back.  Yet, I am still struggling somewhat with finding a balance or setting limits with those dynamics...which perpetuates the feeling of permanence in my current predicament.

The irony of my life these days is staggering:

I was tired of being taken advantage of and am now in a situation far worse.  On so so many levels.
 

Update as a First Year School Psychologist

So, it's been about two months since my last post about my first year as a school psychologist.  It's hard to believe how quickly the school year is going by.  

Things I have learned so far:

Kids are awesome.

Testing isn't so bad--I have done 9 evals!

I could get used to the built in breaks and vacations :)

That being said, this is a challenging time of year in a school setting--this stretch between Thanksgiving and Christmas is an interesting time.  There is a unique energy and excitement buzzing throughout each of the buildings I am in.

Today I am attending the 4th of 5 sessions on special education processes--today's topic how disability affects involvement and process in general education.  As someone who is a person with a disability, I am uniquely tuned into how my experiences may impact this discussion.  

To be continued...

Adventures in being a first year School Psychologist

A shrink should have fun shoes

Had you told me a year ago that today I would be working as a School Psychologist at both a high school AND a middle school--I would have laughed at you.  At that point, I believed that my internship was complete, I would be returning in some capacity to my role at the CMHC, that had been my employer since I left grad school (the first time). 

By New Year's, I was going to be returning to my roots in higher education.  Sending out cover letters and CVs all over New England, I was certain I would find my niche in College and University Counseling.  Some would even say, I turned down the offer of a life time, to work at the University of Notre Dame (yes, the Notre Dame).  But, something didn't feel right.

Then of course, there was the brief period of time in which I thought I was going into the private practice realm, first full time, and then part-time with a part-time University job.  It would be the best of both worlds, right?  Yet again, when asked by the program director of the academic program I was about to begin teaching in as adjunct faculty--I couldn't seem to bring myself to fill out the APA CV listing those two roles.  It was as if I was in denial of the reality I had created for myself.  I just couldn't envision myself working in private practice, yet I was willfully about to be doing just that. 

Until I received that email.  It had been forwarded to me by my program director--a school job, with the name of a contact person I recognized.  So, I called...emailed back and forth with my PD and was encouraged to apply.  Letters of recommendation were requested and revised, I was interviewed and hired.  In a whirlwind of less than a week, I quit both the private practice and university positions and began.  And now, just shy of a month in--I have no regrets.  I find myself smiling at times for no reason, as I walk down the halls.  Students stop in to see me, just because.  I learn something new everyday (I'll do an entry sometime just on acronyms in education...oy!).  The district took a risk in hiring me, just as I took a risk in jumping out of the safety of the familiar--but think both are finding it was worth it.

My friend Karen used to post a sketch or a narrative during her first year as a middle school art teacher--I would look forward to them each day.  And while I cannot promise that I will be as prolific or interesting as what she would submit, I intend to catalog my adventures here.

“Security is mostly a superstition. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” — Helen Keller

Carpe Diem

Live in the moment

I bought this for myself about a year ago.  It typically sits on the base of my computer monitor in my office at KSC (but that created a less appealing photo).  On the wall to my right, by the door to exit my office hangs a framed poster of a Buddha quote "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." I received this as a gift a few months later as I struggled to accept the loss of relationship with the person who had been my best friend for several years. 

One of the challenges of that friendship was that for much of it, I lived in the fear of losing it.  Yet, this loss came after I'd accepted it was without end.  Even now, as I reflect on that relationship my eyes fill with tears and I am forced to clear my throat.

Live in the moment.

Take risks.  Love unconditionally; even when the conditions do not suit you. 

I went into my internship year with the intention of refining my clinical skills.  I was to be in this place a year, no sense in connecting with those around me to only say goodbye a few months later.  But this is not what transpired.  Instead, I was surrounded by people intent on pushing and challenging me to face my fear of vulnerability and reconnect with emotion and those around me--because that, as was said by my director, would be the difference between my being a great clinician and an exceptional one.  In order for me to be successful here, I would need to take risks--ones that would make me break down in front of a room full of colleagues while also learning that I am okay without needing to produce or hit a certain productivity percentage.  Sure, there are 5 evaluation periods throughout the year (1 more to go!).  But, my goals were centered around authenticity and developing a more interpersonal style as opposed to the more detached and restricted one I had been operating from. 



It's possible that in order for me to engage in the transformation that has occurred over the last 11 months, I had to let go of that part of myself--step out of the shadow.  Only one or two people from my former employer even really talk to me now--and while there are certainly times this bothers me a great deal, I push forward.  I am not the person or clinician I was while there.

I also do not know if that friend and I will ever sit together again.  If so, we will need to get to know each other as we are now and in that moment.