Moving on

I drove past my old house yesterday.  It was impulsive--I was out running errands and debating what to get people for Christmas--I was about to pass by the street--the next thing I knew, I was going past the house.  There was a momentary pang of pain--the house looks essentially the same as when I left it over two years ago.  As I turned onto the next street, the emotion subsided.  I was reminded that I am far from the person I was when I last drove away, two years prior.

"Life before God is not worth holding onto…the past will not be different"--Boundaries


Our past never changes (though our memories and meanings of it may)--the events are static.  Yet, it is our relationships today, with God, and others that shape what tomorrow will be.

"Sometimes we have to take a leap of faith and the trust will follow"--Man of Steal

I am beginning to trust in myself through faith that there is a plan for me.  This has had a profound impact on my mental, emotional, and spiritual states of late.  When I become anxious (because lets be real, that still happens regularly), I ask for the strength to see it through--not for it to be taken away.  I realize that there is a reason I am experiencing these feelings in the moment, and I must sit with them to understand why.  This actually decreases the intensity of the feelings (which totally makes sense on multiple levels).

I still have a ways to go to get where I would like to be, and I also know that for today I am right where I am supposed to be.

lifting the fog

Yesterday as I was driving to Hanover, I found myself looking out over the valleys thru the fog to the colorful trees and rising sun over the water and it clicked.  I've been stuck in this cycle for way too long. This fog will also burn off as it has before, despite those moments where it appears so dense I can barely see through it.  

It happens sometimes when life becomes overwhelming and I lose sight of what it is I want in life.  I give into the negativity that swirls around in my head and the volume gets louder, the longer I allow it to be in control.   I need to detach from myself and in so doing, will improve the situations around me.  I am at my best when I am not listening to the negative self talk and giving in to the fear and anxiety it brings. The reality is, I am not really in control anyway. 

I have taken some steps to begin taking better care of myself--exercising again, paying closer attention to diet restrictions, and picked up the book on codependency I was reading earlier this summer.  I was more effective when these things were in the forefront of my mind.

My life is more than getting an A in every class I take.  Mastery is not perfection.  

...intellectually i get it...

There are moments throughout my day that where I think to myself, "now, if you could only believe for yourself, what you are saying to this person--you'd be set".  Intellectually, I get it--even perhaps on some emotional level, I know--otherwise I don't know that I would be able to impart it on my clients.

What was today's nugget or pearl of wisdom?

Live in the moment, and let go of the fear that [he] will walk away from you.  Not everyone leaves and the evidence supports that said person is in it for the long hall.  You don't need to push people away when things get hard or change.  The people who matter and to whom you matter will be there.

A lot is changing/happening right now.  Some is good...going back to school full time (I think--this changes moment by moment), but trying to balance this with work and relationships is a bit scary to me.  Last time, I didn't do so well at this.  And there are issues with family, that are not so good and consuming a lot of energy and space in my head.  When these things happen, it impacts my sleep/dreams.  Over the last few weeks, my dreams have involved the death of a parent and I am left alone to console the remaining spouse with my primary supports unavailable.

Fear of loss is big for me at the moment, first because of the physical and mental health concerns facing my family and also because of the changes for me personally that are underway spiritually, personally, and professionally.  The relationships I have with people will change because of the increased demands of my academic work load, but I have to listen to what I said to my client, and have faith that they are built on a strong enough foundation to withstand these changes.  These are not just fair weather people with whom if I am out of sight, I am out of mind.

I am excited (and nervous) to be moving ahead with this program--there are definitely pros and cons to it.  Major pro, being it is the only feasible way for me to obtain a PsyD at this point in my life.  But, I am aware that it may not be best program around--so struggling with the notion that it's "good enough"--that the qualities, skills, and experience I have will account for the programmatic weaknesses--and at the end of the day, my license will be the same as those from the other programs.

Still a work in progress.

progress not perfection.

pressure's rising

The pressure's rising,
weight on my chest grows heavier.
It becomes harder to breathe,
as the burning continues to mount.
The pull to the old way is strong,
disconnecting to save what self there is,
silent withdrawal leads to numbness.
Recounting events to those were there before, detached.
Suffocating with the urge to scream,
thrashing as if underwater and gasping for air.


Keeping my head above water lately, but working hard to not fall into old dynamics.  The efforts I have been making for the last few months to focus on myself are being tested.  Told that what I am doing is not enough--I recoil and back away in an effort to recollect. The topics of anxiety and meditation were common themes in my conference sessions today--practiced loving kindness in my session this morning.  And this afternoon, it was suggested by the facilitator that I needed some physical contact after I described the pressure in my chest, as part of a group exercise.  This resonated with me.  Grounding.  Attempting to sit in quiet meditation over the last few weeks, has been more difficult with my increased level of anxiety.  Distracted.  I manage the exercises in increments, the best I can do.  Process not perfection as I search for connection having pushed away too hard.

the road I am on

In my session today about the use of motivational interviewing in groups, our final exercise was to select a picture from a stack of photographs that represented our life at this time.  We then used the images as a starting point for the small group we were in to practice engaging people through motivational interviewing.  This was my picture.  I selected it because of the spiritual and emotional journey I have been on for the last year and a half. While it looks dark and scary, what you cannot see from the picture (of a picture), is that there is light at the end of the precarious path.  In fact, behind that door (?) blocking the exit, the sun is out.  But, you have to look closely, or you get caught up in the harsh angles and chasms between each of the cross beams. I am not yet to that other side.  In fact, I find myself parellized at the entrance by the fear of falling into the dark spaces between each step.  So, have been just standing there looking--sizing up whether I will be able to make the necessary jumps between each rung. 

As such, I am grateful that I am starting to push myself.  To be consciously making an effort to sit with myself (something I avoid like high heels and dresses--think, when was the last time you saw me in either of THOSE).  This journey has not, nor will it be easy--but, I know that I am not alone nor should I be as I make my way (finally, I am starting to get it).

 

 

Re: Compartments

(Typing on the iPhone, accidentally hit send before I was finished)

I compartmentalized the relationships and packed them away in the boxes--some would be unpacked, while others would remain in those few boxes filled with things you could not get rid of as you purged your belongings, but could not quite find a place for. 

It also brought up thoughts/feelings about my wavering sense of belonging and concept of home. I am incredibly fortunate. Three groups of friends have opened their homes to me over the last year--so, I must be doing something right. Yet, I am constantly waiting for the welcome to be worn out, or the door to close--for it to be time to move one--because it has happened so many other times, literally and figuratively. 

I am hoping to try something different with this move, however, to unpack all of the boxes and understand that home is a state of mind--it's about the people, not the walls that surround. My goal is learn that doors do not always close and welcomes do not all fade. 

That in order to be comfortable in a place, you must also be comfortable within oneself. 

Compartments

I realized something today as the HR lady was teasing me for moving yet again...this was the 5th address change since I started working there less than 5 years ago--the 16th since I left my parents home, and 20th in the last 30 years (suddenly it all makes sense to my therapist friends).

I have become a master at bare walls and boxes. An expert in downsizing and disgusting people, places, and things. Granted, a number of the moves were all on the same college campus--but each floor/building was a new environment in which I had to adapt.

I was also never good at maintaining the relationships from the previous residences. Though, there were some that withstood the walls that I erected, as I tried to assimilate into the new walls in which I was surrounded.


Sent from my iPhone

floating

On break from class...going through some old emails, etc (cleaning out).  Found this piece I wrote about a year ago...

Two pieces of a larger whole, edges worn and frayed.
Now woven together, new strengths emerge.
A common thread binds two, so seemingly opposite.
Amidst the darkness of each solitary past,
There is new light, with comfort in the shadows.
Where judgement resides, but is not felt.

Old patterns, which no longer fit--
the push and pull of life, driven by fear--
threaten the integrity of the stitching.

Yet, the fibers of the pairing now so intertwined,
the taring apart would be beyond repair.
Together there is comfort in this, a mutual appreciation.
A knowing that maintains the fabric.

===

I need to get my feet back on the ground, practice mindfulness, and re-focus.  Sorting out who/what is important and prioritize wants and needs.  Demands and expectations (mostly self imposed) have taken quite the toll over the last few months.  Anxiety is in full swing--dry heaving in the shower, stomach is a wreck after eating, not sleeping.  

Trying to remember to stretch and breathe, making movement towards being able to exercise again.  Wish meditation were effective--but amps up the anxiety.  May try to write more here (those that have this emailed to you--if you want that to stop, email me back and let me know, I will adjust the setting).

Years ago I was a prolific writer.  I was always writing something.  The words would just flow from my pen as if divinely inspired (and perhaps they were).  These days the words all but have dried up.  There will be weeks, even months that go by that I do not write anything.  It isn't that the need isn't there...in fact, I would probably be much more effective in my relationships with others, if I did.  But, there is a block somewhere--fear of judgement, from self and others.  Emotions buried deep inside.

Most of today, I've felt like screaming (not literally), thoughts racing--about what I couldn't even tell you.  Running--on overload.  I am struggling with opposite action (going against the urge, so to decrease the emotion), but the day's obligations, kept me home.  So, I busied myself.  And now, I'm writing.  I have few "followers" (whether they even read this, I don't know), but that's not the point of the exercise.

I tend to have the urge to write on Sundays, after church-->which leads me back to the notion that it may be divinely inspired.  If you look at the majority of my posts--they occur on Sundays.

Monster headache all day too, which has added to my current state of affairs.  Bed now.  Perhaps more tomorrow.

Keeping it close

I have a rather unique job.  People share with me some of the most intimate details of their lives, yet know almost nothing about me.  Occasionally, I will be asked if I have children or if I am married, but that's about it.  Granted, aspects of my personality show through...but limitedly.  What they don't realize is how their stories effect my own.

Today, I was sitting with someone who has seen and done more in in their life, including die twice, than most people can imagine. But, they come to me because they see themselves as broken.  We were talking about how past experiences influence interpersonal relationships--the tendency to be guarded, avoiding the true closeness that they crave so much.  They talked about the walls they constructs to keep others out.  I asked whether these same walls, that prevent others from getting too close, due to fear of being hurt, are actually also helping to keep the fear in.  In tears, the individual called me a vixen, which lightened the mood to allow for deeper exploration.

As the conversation continued, I became more aware of my own walls.  The ones that are quickly being reconstructed.  I find myself rebuilding--frantically, trying to avoid possible hurts.  Driven by fear, I am closing myself off.  Yet, in doing so I am also trying to keep those closest to me within the limits of the wall--I know it isn't effective.  And I know it isn't working and as result I risk losing the most important relationships in my life.

==
Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand.
Held loosely with an open hand,
the sand remains where it is.

The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on,
the sand trickles through your fingers.
You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled.

A relationship is like that.
Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person,
it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively,
and the relationship slips away and is lost.
 --Author Unknown

No, I haven't forgotten...

stay tuned.

getting tired of the blank page.