Grounded

i can't sleep. the house is dark aside from the glow of the laptop. as i sit on the couch, the only sounds are the hissing of the heat and the clicking of the keys beneath my fingers. i enjoy this time of day. really the only time that i can sit quietly. any other time, someone person or animal needs my attention or creates a distraction from the stillness of the dark. my eyes are heavy, tired. but my body still has energy to burn, mostly from all of the coffee and chocolate consumed hours before. coffee and chocolate. one of my favorite things to do is sit and talk with a friend over coffee (or tea) and share the latest news. or maybe nothing at all. to just be.

sitting here, the song from rent came into my mind. specifically this line: take me for what i am
who i was meant to be.

tall order isn't it?

or maybe not. i think the hard part is taking ourselves for what we are. who we are. all of us. there are parts of myself that i wish i could forget sometimes. you know the ones...the unmentionables. like the fact, that when i get mad, really mad, i can lash out with words that cut to the core. i get this from my father. he said i could blame him. so i am. it's a learned behavior i think, as i suspect it was for him. but i don't actually blame him, or my mother, for that matter, for anything. i may not understand why things are, but i am not supposed to . just to know that it happens for a reason. that there is a lesson to learn. not sure what the lesson is with my parents, but someone better get on it.

this is where faith comes in. i walked away from church for many years. i thought god had left me. i was not willing to accept that there were things that are truly out of control. free will. i used to sit there and think, if there were a god, how can i believe in someone who treats others in that way.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

finally my eyes are closing, wislow is snoring in the create next to me. bed now.