It comes in waves

It's the day after now.  Kate is still asleep upstairs, Winslow is resting after finishing his morning routine, Lucy and Carol are at church, and Charlie is up looking after Grandpa.  At I am here.  I am okay in the moment.  Check back in about an hour or even five minutes, and we might have a different scenerio.  But we notice it and move on.

I am more quiet then usual, but I have said enough that it is understood.  Kate wants me to talk about it, but I don't really know what to say.  Plus, I don't want to bring her down.  Her family is very good to me.  It's different this year.  Carol was upset that we couldn't all be in the family picture being sent as a thank you/New Year card.  But someone had to take it.  That's a shift...a step forward.

One of the first things Carol said to me when we arrived, while expressing frustration that she does not hear from us enough, was "what am I an estranged mother?" My response was, "No Carol, don't start that...I already have one of those..."  She suddenly grew very quiet.  She didn't mean it to be hurtful.  She was just being her, guilting.  Her way of achieving validation.  She will not say anything like that again.

I told my brother last night, that the holidays make this thing we're going through reality.  It's not a bad dream where one of these days I will wake up and it will be over.  No.  There will be no calling out for my mother to comfort me. 

But I notice and move on.  I am okay.  Strong.  There are other people out there who love me.  Intellectually I know this.  But truth--deep in my core there is this piece of me that wonders why.  This little gremlin that says, you are not worthy.  They say they love you...but someday they'll see, and you will be left alone.

I am learning to tell that gremlin where to go.  But be patient with me.

I just wish I could see what they see.  What do I mean by this?  I am a good person, I know this.  I would do anything for anyone.  Caring, loyal, genuine, but I don't see these things as special or extrodinary.  I see these things as what a person should be (I know, I know...my therapist mind just went 'ding').  What makes me any different?  This is one of the reasons compliments are so hard to swallow.  I am just me, treating the world in the way I think it makes sense to be handled.  With care and concern.  So when people draw attention to it, I don't really know what to say/do.  So I say thank you...or mostly just minimize with some response like, 'I do what I can'.

Notice and move on.